Starlit Seduction, Sonnet Options

[Eisa]

My muse might be resting as far as writing new poems, but I am learning a lot through revising old ones and here is another --



Starlit Seduction

The curtain’s drawn; a spangled velvet sheet
creates a welcome shade from summer’s heat.
A slumber blankets earth with dreams, as night’s
seductive moonbeams dance in shadowed light.

Big eyes entice the sky, they wink and flirt;
she fingers silver buttons on his shirt
to proudly flaunt her galaxies of gems
on midnight’s hand. He lifts her sequined hem
as stellar rays caress the dark. She sighs
when kisses scatter over sultry skies
to burst in supernova’s rising cloud;
the climax of the night -- she gasps aloud.

The curtain slowly opens -- there’s no rush;
as dawn appears, the sky begins to blush.
----------------------------------------
Couplet was --
The curtain opens slowly -- there’s no rush;
as dawn peeps out, the sky begins to blush.

[jgdittier]

Dear Eisa,
A fascinating piece of literature/poetry/verse!
You've made it say virtually nothing and yet tell it all. It takes a particular talent to do that few have and few have ever done so well.
As far as the technique goes, I've no proposed improvements. My only suggestion is enter it in a contest.Cheers, Ron jgd

[JLY]

Eira:

I read this through four times and each time I liked it more and more. You have captured a sultry magic that seems to rear it's salacious head only at night.

It reads fairly smoothly. My only suggestion would be to add a few more lines....I was left wanting for more.

JLY

[jgdittier]

Dear Eisa,
I've reread it too and the thought that came to me was the warm feeling I get after a strong cocktail and before the next one.
It is deliciously suggestive, just as is the drink.
You hit this one on the sweetspot!!!
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow,

What a lovely poem! I too find this one pretty polished as is - a romatic, yet sensual expression done with what appears to be such ease. I'm jealous!

If I must, here's two ideas to toss at ya for the closing couplet, (1) switch slowly and opens:
The curtain opens slowly -- there’s no rush;
as dawn peeps out, the sky begins to blush. (2) see below for alternate

The curtain slowly opens -- there’s no rush;
as dawn emerges, sky begins to blush.

Enjoyed this!
~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Hey Snow,

Yes, I agree with everyone. This is a final deal. I remember it's start as well and the times of revision - I do think Lori's suggestion to switch the words is an excellent one, the lines reads like warm butter when swtiched.

Well ... I've nothing further to leave on this either - Just to give a Thumbs up! :)

Love you, Liz


PS I Nominate this Sonnet for IBPC ...

[Eisa]

Eira:

I read this through four times and each time I liked it more and more. You have captured a sultry magic that seems to rear it's salacious head only at night.

It reads fairly smoothly. My only suggestion would be to add a few more lines....I was left wanting for more.

JLY

Thanks John - yes it was difficult getting everything innto the 14 lines of a sonnet. perhaps one day I'll write a longer poem.

Snow

[Eisa]

Dear Eisa,
I've reread it too and the thought that came to me was the warm feeling I get after a strong cocktail and before the next one.
It is deliciously suggestive, just as is the drink.
You hit this one on the sweetspot!!!
Cheers, Ron jgd

Thanks Ron!!!

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,

Hi Lori

What a lovely poem! I too find this one pretty polished as is - a romatic, yet sensual expression done with what appears to be such ease. I'm jealous!

Don't be jealous Lori - this has taken years to write! LOL! It started off full of cliche's.

If I must, here's two ideas to toss at ya for the closing couplet, (1) switch slowly and opens:
The curtain opens slowly -- there’s no rush;
as dawn peeps out, the sky begins to blush. (2) see below for alternate

The curtain slowly opens -- there’s no rush;
as dawn emerges, sky begins to blush.

Hooray!!! it was the couplet I was not completely happy with and I do like your suggestions. Changing 'slowly & opens' is spot on!'

I like your suggestion for the last line too - only one nit-picky thing, it would change to 'sky' instead of 'the sky' This wouldn't matter if I hadn't used 'the sky' in L5.

I'm probably being overly picky, but know some would criticise that.
I could change th last line to -
'as dawn appears, the sky begins to blush'

I'll think on this - thanks for your thoughts.

Enjoyed this!
~Cleo

Hugs
Snow

[Eisa]

Hey Snow,

Yes, I agree with everyone. This is a final deal. I remember it's start as well and the times of revision - I do think Lori's suggestion to switch the words is an excellent one, the lines reads like warm butter when swtiched.

Well ... I've nothing further to leave on this either - Just to give a Thumbs up! :)

Love you, Liz


PS I Nominate this Sonnet for IBPC ...

Hi Liz ...

... and you had a hand in the revisions too!

Hugs
Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Yep - that would definitely work too for that last line Snow:

'as dawn appears, the sky begins to blush'

~L

[Thoth]

Hi Snow,
I'm glad you dug this one out of storage. It is one of the most beautiful sensual sonnets I have ever read! I'm a sucker for this kind of romantisism so was captivated from the first quantrain. One of the reasons I love the desert is because of the nights where stars dance from one horrison to the other in splendor such as this described. To fall sleep under such a sky is a privilage few ever experience.

No nits at all from me, it's absolutely perfect now and deserves to be presented to the public.

Masterfully written, my deepest compliments to you.

Wally

[Eisa]

Hi Wally

Thank you for coming here to comment. This sonnet has evolved from one of my very first poems (which was very different to this final revision). I really love poems about the sky & have written quite a few on that subject. I'm glad you enjoyed this one.

Snow