 A Rephrased Shakespearean Sonnet, Perhaps I've used TWO much poetic license |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Jul 29 08, 13:49
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#1
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 1,802 Joined: 24-April 04 From: Connecticut Member No.: 58 Real Name: Ron Jones Writer of: Poetry  |
Comments and critiques are best aimed at changes attempting to better bring this tribute to the original sonnet. (It is intended to sound more like the 17th century than modern style.)
When twice the age of twenty you're extant And wrinkles dig a trench across your brow, Your youth that once was proud is now but scant... Of little truth is fair complexion now. So if I ask you where your beauty lies, "Was all its value in your early life"? You'd say that beauty with each year, some dies And all should be accepted without strife... Should praise be given when its cause begone? Why canst but beauty, once alive, endure? Can pulchritude be made to e'er belong? Inheritance to always aid your score...? "My dear, now old, where wrinkles overwhelm, With mine and me, come share my SHAKY realm." line 3 is now - Your youth that once was proud is sadly scant... ·······  ······· |
  
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Jul 30 08, 02:14
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#2
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Ron,
Read earlier, did not respond cuz I cannot fathom what the "TWO" much refers to. Did you mean TOO much, or have I missed something ? Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Jul 30 08, 05:46
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#3
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Great rhythms Ron!
My only nit is that I don't think you need to use any quotations in this piece. I've only just had a quick scan so I'll be back again in the next few days... One other thought is here: You'd say that beauty with each year, some dies I suggest changing 'some' to 'soon' dies for a more gramatically correct flow and thought there. TTYL ~Cleo 
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Jul 30 08, 06:11
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#4
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,802 Joined: 24-April 04 From: Connecticut Member No.: 58 Real Name: Ron Jones Writer of: Poetry |
Dear Alan,
http://wwwpoetry-archive.com/s/shakespeare_sonnet_002.html Dear Cleo, The quotation marks were an embellishment intended to make the sonnet more personal. They'll be removed in the final version. Cheers, Ron jgdittier ······· ······· |
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Jul 30 08, 14:50
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#5
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,802 Joined: 24-April 04 From: Connecticut Member No.: 58 Real Name: Ron Jones Writer of: Poetry |
Dear Alan,
The base sonnet is Shakespeare's #2. Cheers, Ron ······· ······· |
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Jul 30 08, 15:34
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#6
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Ron,
Thanks, never would have known ! That earlier link never works for me, but I found it. Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Aug 9 08, 08:50
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#7
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 Greek Posts: 698 Joined: 29-May 06 From: US East Coast Member No.: 185 Real Name: Peggy Harwood Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:just wandered in |
Hi Ron,
I agree with Cleo on the rhythm: It seems very well done!! It sounds very 17th century to me except one place: I thought "begone" was two words. Very good job IMHO!!! Peggy ······· ······· |
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Aug 9 08, 09:17
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#8
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 2,085 Joined: 24-May 04 From: Time, Immoral Member No.: 66 Writer of: Poetry |
Greetings, Ron.
Here's a speare or two... To go even further back in the diction, note that a score of years is 20, so your opening line could use that >> With two score years and more, ye be extant. Agreed on "begone". unless you're using it like Ms McBeth addressing her dog >> "Out, out, damn Spot!" or, "Begone, Spot!" Of course "belong" will stay as 1 word. I looked up "pulchritude" to make sure it wasn't that Russian dude you were referring to. Merlin ······· ······· |
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Aug 11 08, 15:34
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#9
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 783 Joined: 24-July 07 From: South Africa Member No.: 457 Real Name: Walter Schwim Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Mistral |
Hi Ron,
Great work on this project, I am no literary scholar but to me it has a really good authentic feel about it. It all seemed to be in order with the R&M so no nitpicks from me except for L3 "now". This word is repeated in the following line, but worse still, it is the rhyme-word of that line so this is a nasty little clash. I don't have a suggestion off the cuff but I'm sure you will find a way round it quickly enough. Have a good one, Wally ······· ······· |
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