|
|
|
Tart! ~ When you've had it! [ Revised 10/18 ], nonet (advertisement) |
|
|
|
Oct 14 06, 09:06
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 19,117
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
|
This one will never be published, but I still welcome casual suggestions for imporvement:Tart!
When you’ve had it!
You’ve searched for a brew to be quenching
your afternoon thirst for sweet-sour
that’s frothy, with no wrenching
rich, bubbly, fruit—power?
Want smooth and creamy
yet full of heart
not dreamy?
Chug a
Tart
!
© MLee Dickens’son 13 Oct 2006 ___________________
A D V E R T I S E M E N T ___________________
I've invented an alcoholic beverage ~ Tart! ~ that not only tastes great, but also improves a guy's ability to be a FED-UP MAN. This is my promo for my new beverage utilizing these key words:
bubbly smooth sweet tart quenching sour frothy fruit (y) rich creamy Original: L4 ~ rich, bubbly, fruity power?1st Revision: L4 ~ rich, bubbly, fruity pow'r?
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Oct 16 06, 17:08
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
|
Hi Daniel, I like what you've done with this one and if as you say you'd like some suggestions, I feel the best place for it would be Herme's. Why not give it a try as this is not really a critiquing forum.
Snow
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Oct 16 06, 18:48
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
|
HAHAAA... Wonderfully Written, and so deliciously delightful! Daniel, I think your Ad for a FED UP man could be pushed through out Florida... There's a lot of non manly men here, looking really fed up! LOL Hugs, Liz
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Oct 16 06, 19:37
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
|
Well done Daniel with this month's Pandora challenge'! I think though you might have one extra beat here: rich, bubbly, fruity power? [shouldn't this line have 6 syllables?] My Q for this one: is the 'power' enabled 'fruity'? Cheers ~Cleo
······· ·······
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
|
Oct 18 06, 15:48
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 19,117
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
|
QUOTE (Eisa @ Oct 16 06, 18:08 ) Hi Daniel, I like what you've done with this one, and if as you say you'd like some suggestions, I feel the best place for it would be Herme's. Why not give it a try as this is not really a critiquing forum.
Snow Of course I know that, Snow... and I'm not looking for critique. I'm really satisfied with this as merely a novelty piece for the sake of practice, as some fun pieces are. This is not the sort of 'work' that could be utilized in any collection of poems. I'm only letting folks know if they see something more, just let me know, whether here or privately. Again, I don't consider this to be a serious piece, and therefore am not posting it for critique. deLighting in your oversight, Daniel
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Oct 18 06, 15:50
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 19,117
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
|
QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Oct 16 06, 19:48 ) HAHAAA... Wonderfully written, and so deliciously delightful! Daniel, I think your Ad for a FED UP man could be pushed through out Florida... There's a lot of non manly men here, looking really fed up! LOL Hugs, Liz Thanks, Liz. It was really fun to put this one together... and several of my co-workers got a kick out of it... and one of them is what some folks here would call a real 'tart' -- and a very good friend whose paper for a graduate class I'm about to 'edit' for her! deLightin' to share, Daniel
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Oct 18 06, 16:00
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 19,117
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
|
QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Oct 16 06, 20:37 ) Well done Daniel with this month's Pandora challenge'! I think though you might have one extra beat here: rich, bubbly, fruity power? [shouldn't this line have 6 syllables?] You're quite right, Lori. I ALWAYS debate whether to use the apostrophe or not when I want to distinguish how I intend a word to be READ (as to syllables). As you know, some folks say not to, and other folks say to do it. I think, however, in THIS case, I SHOULD include the apostrophe, since a nonet is PURELY a syllabic poem. Though there is no rhyme requirement, I've used rhyme, and in this case, power rhyme with sour... which of course some folks pronounce with two syllables though I count only one, at least here. My Q for this one: is the 'power' enabled 'fruity'? Good question! But haven't you ever been overPOWered by the taste of a particular fruit in a drink? And have you not seen commercials about a BURST of lime or somesuch? Cheers~Cleo see now... you've got be Lightly sTARTed!
deLighting in your response, Daniel
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Oct 18 06, 19:45
|
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 80
Joined: 3-August 04
From: Richfield, Utah
Member No.: 74
Writer of: Poetry
|
Had to do a double take on the title to make sure it didn't say Phart.......... If I get fed up, I may have to try one of them "Tarts" Cheers......... WRITE ON!!
······· ·······
Jim AKA Rapid-Fire Publisher/Editor of WRITE ON!! Poetry Magazette
|
|
|
|
|
Oct 26 06, 16:41
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,250
Joined: 2-August 03
From: USA
Member No.: 7
Writer of: Poetry
|
Hello Daniel, You have done a delicious job of appealing to all of the senses. :) I love the shape of the glass too! Quite refreshing. Well, tarty-tart tart! Cheers! Lindi
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
Guest_poeticpiers_*
|
Dec 3 06, 05:35
|
Guest
|
This is FUN as all good poetry should be Daniel. You made your case I would buy such a brew
|
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
|
|
Read our FLYERS - click below
Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning
your writings. ENJOY!
|
|
|
|