Monkey See, Tenex Terzanelle Options

[Merlin]

Here's another from the 10 x selection. See the colorful words HERE .
Do leave a comment, even a simple "HI" is more appreciated than silence.



Monkey See

Once there was a monkey in a tree
who liked his apple pie with cheddar cheese
until a waiter fooled him, serving brie.

He stormed about at first, began to wheeze
but settled down, a cherry-cracker knight
who liked his apple pie with cheddar cheese.

Before too long, perhaps the second bite,
things changed as they are bound – flopped up
but settled down, a cherry-cracker knight.

He snapped to have his empty mug topped up
with banished mango juices brought from home –
things changed as they are bound – flopped up.

Paying his bill, it’s onward he must roam.
Ma Hogany has coconuts to spare
with banished mango juices brought from home.

Dining out in calm, refreshing air,
once there was a monkey in a tree.
Ma Hogany has coconuts to spare
until a waiter fooled him, serving brie.

[Thoth]

Hi Merlin,

Since you insist I will make a comment.

I don't normally respond to challenge poems as I find them usually just exercises in wordplay and seldom have the emotional triggers I seek and can relate to -Forced word choice often jars badly. This one, sadly for me me is no different. Yes the word-craft is skilfully done as I would expect from a writer of your talent but in the end I will forget the piece soon after I close the page.

Mahogany is a tropical hardwood used here as a proper noun - clever nonsense stuff and combined with the well executed form variation was interesting but comes over very forced and has has no authenticity or soul.

Perhaps its just just my mood tonight Merlin but this one simply didn't work for me, forgive me.

Cheers

Wal

[Alan]

Hi !

Love
Alan

Oh all right, I will comment as well : I am familiar with the villanelle, but not this form. Either the form, or possibly your execution of it, seem/s a bit irregular. The words are there, but I failed to follow the logic or story line.

I don;t agree with Wally that challenge poems are mere word-exercises tho. They can be, but if I find myself doing that, I either start again or quit.

Love
Alan

[Merlin]

Hi Wally & Alan,

Thank you both for leaving a comment in your wake. The reason behind my reference is that I have, or have had, postings that have resulted in total zero even after a week and more. That makes me very apprehensive - am I in the wrong place, or have I scared everyone off? While I never expect everybody to like what I post, it is always nice to have a small howdy-do.

It's made me wonder if my presence is unwanted and I should go back into hiding again.

The challenge words have their limits, I agree. However, they can also be motivation to get the muse started again. The above is certainly not a serious piece of writing, actually intended to be humorous. Humor is very often a difficult thing to bring across successfully, and perhaps here is another example. What the writer intends and what the reader sees may be off somewhat. There is a link in the title which goes to a more serious piece.

Alan the terzanelle is a variant of the villanelle, only slightly different. Rhyme scheme is:

A1 B A2 (Capitals indicate repeated lines)
b C B
c D C
d E D
e F E
f A1 F A2 (both “a” rhymes get repeated)

End line may also appear as “f F A1 A2”

Your comments are a welcome sight - proof that MM still twitches.

Merlin

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Merlin,

I admire the villanelle and am still catching on to the terzanelle wave. I have not tried to write either after all this time, although your skill with wit and pen stirs my competitive side to try them some day.

What a far different topic from your Cambridge Mound response!

Enjoyed this and the other too.
Cheers,
~Cleo

[Thoth]

Hi All,

Sadly, comment is difficult to elicit these days and not just MM. Seems the popularity of critiquing forums has waned over the last few years and several once busy forums have closed down or are now virtually dormant.

Regarding challenge poetry; I don't disapprove of it entirely as Alan says and agree that sometimes it can jog the muse into producing something good. Rather, I find it difficult to make meaningful comment or crit, knowing that if the words are successfully concealed in the chosen form then the poem is OK, rather than seeking deeper symbolism embedded in words selected by the poet to suit exactly the mood and message.

The real test of such a poem would be to ask ask for an honest crit without revealing that it stemmed from a word challenge. If no-one suggests alternate words or finds the script strange then would't that would be a fait accompli?

Cheers,

Wally

OH! and please don't go away again. We do - do love your witty poetry and educated contributions. Its not just you, I too feel unloved and neglected at times as Im sure many other do when comments are slow in coming.

[Larry]

Hi Merlin,

As I'm sure you're aware, Terzanelles should be strictly IP but if not, they should be metrically consistant throughout. I'm also sure that as talented as you are, you probably diverged from that parameter just to mess with meter maids such as I. Given that, I'll pretend that this is news to you and critique "Monkey See" accordingly.

I do prefer your envelope sonnet "Cambridge Castle" derived from the same times ten to this humorous bit of fluff and feel you might have posted it here without the highlighted challenge words. Even with its ironic twist at the end, I consider it a better use of the given words.

Crit:
S1/L1 - You didn't waste any time with busting one parameter by starting with Trochaic meter and it's also half a foot short.
S3/L2 and its repeat S4/L3 - a foot short
Quatrain L1 - Again with Trochaic meter and also half a foot short
L2 noted above with S1/L1
L4 - I know this is a repeat of S1/L3 and there is no problem with that particular line but there seems to be a gender mix with "until a waiter fooled him". In this line's instance, it seems that "him" would refer back to "Ma Hogany". In keeping with the vein of your poem, I guess she/he could be an older person of indeterminate sexual orientation. I wooden put that past you!

This is a cute piece and utilized the ten given words very well but as Wally intimates, it's not memorable and I feel it is no where near the usual quality of your work.

Take or toss as you will!

Larry

[Merlin]

Thank you Lori, Larry & Wally.

Larry, not every source requires the IP, and I'm often one to step outside the fence lines. As you see, this isn't a serious bit of writing. I took the 10 words after doing the sonnet to see if a lighter work could be created and came up with this. It's likely to find the "discard" file once done.

Wally, you're right on - some high profile sites such as Sonnet Central seem to have had their day in the sun. Action is the wrong word to use in certain cases. Perhaps other venues such as Facebook are more entertaining grounds for others.

A long time ago I posted some humorous stuff here, which got a generous share of laffs. I'll go thru my archive to see if I can stir something up again.

Merlin