Despair, A Rose ~ was Winter To Spring, Wizard Award ~ based on Lai Options

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy,

First, I require you to put away all 'throwable" objects, including shoes, knives, even soft teddy bears! before I comment! I will ducking and going from side to side if I must! LOL

Seriously, Hi Cath, I like some of the added images, some metaphors are stronger, but I (IMO) really liked a few things in the original too. Here are some of the variances between them that I noticed. :)

Hugs, Liz

Love's vibrance bleeds red,
warm sweet feelings ebb,
blooms curl
as memories drift
to distant shores, rifts
unfurl
sighs amid regrets;
life sadly besets
a swirl.

I think the metaphorical change over in the first few lines works well. The image is full and action of the words relates to the reader what is happening. I liked in the original, the way 'sigh' in my mind could be heard, as if the narrator 'sighed,' then spoke of regrets coming about... Perhaps... a consideration might be ...

sigh, amid regrets
life sadly besets
a swirl.

It is a very minor change, but includes that personal touch that allows the reader to experience the narrators emotion.


As purpose renews
in rainbow-hued views,
dawn glows;
new roots arise,
gentle tears baptize
spring rose.

I love the way you've used natures process to liken our own process of healing from heartaches and hurts, to allowing the love inside of us to grow again, as does the Spring rains, nurture the seeds that grow into a rose...

No nits here... I like the way you've revised this into a Lei... It is quite a lovely form, reminds me very much of the Logarhyme, with shorter lines.



Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright July2006

Hugs, Liz

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Liz,

I appreciate you coming back to this one!

L> First, I require you to put away all 'throwable" objects, including shoes, knives, even soft teddy bears! before I comment! I will ducking and going from side to side if I must! LOL

Now I wouldn't do that!

Seriously, Hi Cath, I like some of the added images, some metaphors are stronger, but I (IMO) really liked a few things in the original too. Here are some of the variances between them that I noticed. :)

Hugs, Liz




QUOTE

Love's vibrance bleeds red,
warm sweet feelings ebb,
blooms curl
as memories drift
to distant shores, rifts
unfurl
sighs amid regrets;
life sadly besets
a swirl.

I think the metaphorical change over in the first few lines works well. The image is full and action of the words relates to the reader what is happening. I liked in the original, the way 'sigh' in my mind could be heard, as if the narrator 'sighed,' then spoke of regrets coming about... Perhaps... a consideration might be ...

sigh, amid regrets
life sadly besets
a swirl.

It is a very minor change, but includes that personal touch that allows the reader to experience the narrators emotion.
That was one thing I missed about the changes. I like the feeling of 'hearing' the sigh as well. I like your suggestion and will probably be using it. Thanks!


As purpose renews
in rainbow-hued views,
dawn glows;
new roots arise,
gentle tears baptize
spring rose.

I love the way you've used natures process to liken our own process of healing from heartaches and hurts, to allowing the love inside of us to grow again, as does the Spring rains, nurture the seeds that grow into a rose...
I have a habit of doing that... I'm glad you think it works.

No nits here... I like the way you've revised this into a Lei... It is quite a lovely form, reminds me very much of the Logarhyme, with shorter lines.
I thought it worked well for this one. Thank goodness! I was getting very frustrated! LOL

Thank you for your thoughts~
Cathy

[azurepoetry]

Hello Again Cathy,

I know it needs some work but as I explained to Lori, right now I was more concerned about finding a form or format that would fit it well to kinda bring it together. Now for the rest of it so that it conveys the idea well.

Okay, what would work?

Looking at the link you provided me to Daniel's instructional thread, i see the example he originally offers as a galloping sort for the first two lines and a sort of drop on the third - sometimes a summary or sometimes a switch as the previous two lines set up.

After going back and reading your original offering, i would ask do you have the conceit firmly planted (no pun) in your head? The subject matter is a topic to be entrusted to five, short stanzas. i don't think format is relevant. In small stanzas, a lot of compression is needed.

The first revision seems to be straying away from the theme, 'my love is like a red, red rose'. As i said, you've added some nice depth with the sailing theme, yet neither idea really shines through. i get a semblance overall of a metaphor suggesting the N is on a ship with a rose in hand that is dying (as roses oft do) while she sails into the setting sun (because horses are cliche ) the night passes and the rose returns with the dawn. Through this the reader gets the tenor of the metaphor, however, the continuity is not quite there. This is not yet a Cathy masterpiece i have come to know.

So, what's tim's rambling point? hmmmmm. Good question.

Maybe the format is not the problem. Maybe the length on the timeline of events is still a little too long and is overwhelming the existing length of poem. Or to compensate, you (the writer) need to compress the events and force into choppiness.
Why not start the poem with the old love already over, use one or two lai stanzas to convey that and set up for the 'sunrise' portion of the poem. Focus on the renewal without going too far into the ending. Let things remain open and suggestive.
Using the imagery of the rose as metaphor, the N could already have them dried and hanging over a window or pressed into a scrapbook/picture book/whatever that could also allude to photos or keepsakes of the old lover that maybe gets put away. The N 'drifts' off to sleep on ship and awakes the next day with something new. i don't know if the renewal is the return of the old love or a completely new love entering the N's life, either would work fine.
Heck, if you felt masochistic you could even leave the ending open enough to make the reader wonder if the N is still dreaming or not.

Okay, i'm done. This crit has been brought to you by the letter "L" for loquacious and the letter "D" for dun.

~tim

[JustDaniel]

Now do ya see why I generally stay away from free verse?! The very 'freedom' entraps me with its infinity and my mind boggles standing at the crossroads wondering which of hundreds of directions to go!

If ya's gonna keep this as a lai, ya's goin' in the right direction, an' I'll offer some comment... but if not, ya's got it from me as much as ya's gonna git! If ya can con yer ceit ta stayin' in one place, I'll be back ta kick it around a little.

Lightly, Daniel

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cathy.

Now that this has been revised to more of an R&M and fixed form (variation of Lai), can we move this one into Herme's Homilies?

I just got confused on Daniel's reply and wondered why this was in Seren's... then remembered the original poem was FV, but now it is R&M...

Be back again soon!
~Cleo

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi again Tim!

LOL

T> Looking at the link you provided me to Daniel's instructional thread, i see the example he originally offers as a galloping sort for the first two lines and a sort of drop on the third - sometimes a summary or sometimes a switch as the previous two lines set up.

After going back and reading your original offering, i would ask do you have the conceit firmly planted (no pun) in your head? The subject matter is a topic to be entrusted to five, short stanzas. i don't think format is relevant. In small stanzas, a lot of compression is needed.
And I still haven't seemed to find the path I want to travel...

The first revision seems to be straying away from the theme, 'my love is like a red, red rose'. As i said, you've added some nice depth with the sailing theme, yet neither idea really shines through. i get a semblance overall of a metaphor suggesting the N is on a ship with a rose in hand that is dying (as roses oft do) while she sails into the setting sun (because horses are cliche ) the night passes and the rose returns with the dawn. Through this the reader gets the tenor of the metaphor, however, the continuity is not quite there. This is not yet a Cathy masterpiece i have come to know.
Don't scare me like that. I don't write masterpieces! LOL

So, what's tim's rambling point? hmmmmm. Good question.

Maybe the format is not the problem. Maybe the length on the timeline of events is still a little too long and is overwhelming the existing length of poem. Or to compensate, you (the writer) need to compress the events and force into choppiness.
Why not start the poem with the old love already over, use one or two lai stanzas to convey that and set up for the 'sunrise' portion of the poem. Focus on the renewal without going too far into the ending. Let things remain open and suggestive.
Using the imagery of the rose as metaphor, the N could already have them dried and hanging over a window or pressed into a scrapbook/picture book/whatever that could also allude to photos or keepsakes of the old lover that maybe gets put away. The N 'drifts' off to sleep on ship and awakes the next day with something new. i don't know if the renewal is the return of the old love or a completely new love entering the N's life, either would work fine.
Heck, if you felt masochistic you could even leave the ending open enough to make the reader wonder if the N is still dreaming or not.
A couple of very interesting ideas... thanks!

Okay, i'm done. This crit has been brought to you by the letter "L" for loquacious and the letter "D" for dun.
ROFL Thanks Tim! I've got a lot of thinking to do. *smiles*
Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Daniel,

Now do ya see why I generally stay away from free verse?! The very 'freedom' entraps me with its infinity and my mind boggles standing at the crossroads wondering which of hundreds of directions to go!
I know what you mean! It's been so long since I've attempted any serious FV that I seem to be at a loss!

If ya's gonna keep this as a lai, ya's goin' in the right direction, an' I'll offer some comment... but if not, ya's got it from me as much as ya's gonna git! If ya can con yer ceit ta stayin' in one place, I'll be back ta kick it around a little.
That's the 'lai' of the land... LOL Go for it! I'd be interested in what you have to say.

Cat

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Lori!

Now that this has been revised to more of an R&M and fixed form (variation of Lai), can we move this one into Herme's Homilies?
Oh my! I'd forgotten that it was originally FV and posted in Seren's...LOL

I just got confused on Daniel's reply and wondered why this was in Seren's... then remembered the original poem was FV, but now it is R&M...
I've got it moved! Thanks for bringing that up!

Be back again soon!
Ta for now then! *smiles*
Cathy

[AMETHYST]

Mind adrift;
memories enhanced, (sharpened as a possible substitute)
sigh ...
regrets arise.
You don't think 'sharpened' sounds a bit harsh? It makes me think of a pair of scissors. Yikes!

No - but I was thinking of sharpened to mean acute/refined/enhanced.

Hey how's about ... HONED? ...


Quote by Dictionary.com

honed, hon‧ing.

–noun 1. a whetstone of fine, compact texture for sharpening razors and other cutting tools.
2. a precision tool with a mechanically rotated abrasive tip, for enlarging holes to precise dimensions.
–verb (used with object) 3. to sharpen on a hone: to hone a carving knife.
4. to enlarge or finish (a hole) with a hone.
5. to make more acute or effective; improve; perfect: to hone one's skills.

or

tr.v. honed, hon·ing, hones

1.To sharpen on a fine-grained whetstone.
2.To perfect or make more intense or effective: a speaker who honed her delivery by long practice.

Just a thought!

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Liz,

'Honed' will work fine if I should decide to go back to parts of the original while revising again. Those definitions are right on the money. Thank you~

Cathy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Congrats Cathy on your wizard award winning tile!

Well done!

~Cleo

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thank you Lori!

[Eisa]

CONGRATULAIONS again Cathy!

Well done!

Snow

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thank you Snow!