Dance of the Crinkled Veils (revised st 1), R&M Options

[Eisa]

With Autumn round the corner, I have found this poem I wrote some years ago and decided to revise it.





I have revised St1 - one reason being that battements had only 2 syllables not 3

REVISION

Dance of the Crinkled Veils

Beneath a screen of stratus shade
she changes into citrus hues
as breezes fan and serenade
her; ballet pointes battements tendus.

Her rustling tutu riffles, swirls
chartreuse with russet layered hems;
soft flurries tousle chestnut curls
adorned with crimson clustered gems.

She sheds her veils in lento time
-- pianissimo they pirouette;
her vibrant beauty, still sublime,
enshrouds terrains a la georgette

Diminuendo: standing bare
she silhouettes the dreary skies.
Soon frost will crown bedraggled hair,
his spangled shawl around her thighs.

With lofty body proudly posed
her feet secured against each storm,
she wavers endless arms, exposed
‘til emerald ruffles dress her form.

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Original first stanza
Beneath a screen of stratus shade
she changes into citrus hues
as breezes fan and serenade
she battements in ballet shoes.




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tweaked lines

his spangled shawl enwrap her thighs.

‘til emerald layers dress her form.



* Georgette is crinkled - so should I leave out crimped and replace with a colour - or something else??

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ORIGINAL

Dance of the Crinkled Veils

The sun has left her in the shade
to weave and twirl in ballet shoes;
while Autumn plays its serenade
she changes into citrus hues.

Her rustling veils of russet swirl
with tangerine embroidered hems;
soft breezes tousle chestnut curls
adorned with clustered crimson gems.

She slowly sheds her crinkled veils;
they pirouette without a sound.
Then vibrant loveliness prevails,
embellishing the naked ground.

The music slows until she’s bare,
her outline stark against the skies,
as frost imparts his gift with flair --
a spangled throw to swathe her thighs.

Her sable body’s proudly posed
abiding firm against each storm,
while swaying arms remain exposed
‘til buds of green enrobe her form.