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SANTA'S GROTTO, Finalist |
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Nov 2 04, 09:52
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Dear Sir,
Last week I took my seven-year-old son Rocky (His real name is Roger - the vicar wouldn't let us christen him Rocky) to visit Santa’s Grotto in your store.
Firstly, I should like to say that either your Santa was inebriated and/or deaf, since he addressed my boy as Roxy and presented him with a gift of a skipping rope! While I agree Rocky’s mane of golden curls would be the pride of any little girl, he is otherwise most definitely a little boy.
Rocky thought he might quite like to be a boxer when he grows up so he would need to do lots of skipping. Therefore I agreed he could keep the rope. Two days later, Rocky was skipping in the garden – when suddenly one of the handles came off the rope. The end flew out of his hand and hit our Pekingese dog Tyson on the nose, almost taking his eye out. Needless to say, Tyson was somewhat annoyed at this, grabbed the offending rope and yanked it out of my Rocky's hand, sending him sprawling onto his little bottom causing painful cuts and bruising when he came into contact with one of my garden gnomes, which of course shattered to pieces. My garden gnomes are not those ghastly, cheap plastic ones. Mine are made of clay and painted individually to exacting standards as it says on the label, which comes with each gnome.
The skipping rope meantime, was receiving a right good seeing to by our precious little Tyson when the other handle came off and the rope went flying. It finished up wrapped around the bottom rung of a ladder, which my husband was using to repair the guttering of our semi-detached residence in a quiet cul-de-sac in Wigan. Tyson chased after the rope, caught the end and tried to run off with it. Unfortunately, this resulted in unsteadying the ladder, which then collapsed to the ground bringing my down husband with it. This would have been all right if he had been 2 feet further along the guttering, since he would have landed on snow. As luck would have it he was working above the greenhouse.
Having crashed through the roof he landed on his trays of dahlia bulbs. These dahlias were his pride and joy. He has been cultivating and cross breeding them for seventeen years and this was to be HIS year to win the Dahlia Championship Cup at our local Flower Show, and not that Harry Higginbottom's, who wins every year. (Fred said he is sure he cheats and buys them on the Internet.)
I therefore wish to claim compensation for shoddy goods, which you presented (at our expense) to an unsuspecting, innocent little boy. I am enclosing photographs of:
One shattered hand painted garden gnome My poor little Rocky's badly bruised bum Darling Tyson’s red and black eye The greenhouse remains The trays of ruined dahlias My husband's plastered and bandaged body parts The remains of the skipping rope
Also enclosed a bill to put these matters right.
Item
a) New hand painted garden gnome from Marie's Elegant Garden Accoutrement Catalogue B) Ointment for Rocky's bruises c) Vet’s bill for Tyson's treatment d) New greenhouse (wood framed) e) Loss of irreplaceable dahlias f) Private treatment for my husband's injuries (we don't have private health insurance) g) One new skipping rope
COST OF ITEM
a) £19.99 B) £2.99 c) £127.00 d) £659.00 e) £500.00 f) £750.00 g) £1.99 £2039.97 All receipts are enclosed.
This total does not include any trauma treatment, which may be necessary for Rocky, Tyson or Fred. I am sure we can negotiate a fair settlement for this if it becomes necessary.
I look forward to your early reply before I contact my solicitor. I'm sure you would prefer to settle this amicably, rather than drag it through the courts, thereby causing untold damage to your Company’s good name.
Yours sincerely
Hilda Clitheroe
P.S I think you will agree when studying little Rocky's bottom that he is getting very muscular and shaping up nicely for his future career in the ring, bless him.
P.P.S I would suggest you either vet your applicants for the role of Santa more closely next year, or offer a higher wage and employ a better class of person for this important role.
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Nov 3 04, 06:30
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Thank you for your Holiday entry! :holly:
Best of luck to you! :dove:
May the 'classic' holiday spirit be shared in your heart throughout the season! :blueorn:
~ Mosaic Musings Staff :knight: :pharoah: :viking: :vic: :tut: :vic: :cali: :knight:
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Nov 7 04, 06:50
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hello Grace! :reindeer:
This is hysterical! :snowflake: You've made me laugh so hard, my eyes are watering! :ornament:
What a great imagination (I do hope this isn't a real life experience)?! :holly:
Best of luck! :dove:
~Cleo :blueorn:
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Nov 8 04, 06:21
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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So now I know where the inspiration came from Grace!
We are down to the last week, so the max of 2 per member is no longer applicable. Here's hoping you'll post a few pieces this week by Nov 15!
Cheers! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest__*
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Nov 14 04, 17:11
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Guest
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Dear Grace,
This lovely piece reminded me of Gerard Hoffnung's recording of a letter describing having several meetings with a barrel of bricks going up and down a winch with the bricklayer tangled in the rope and always travelling in the opposite direction !
"causing severe abrasions about the head" etc etc. It ends with "I respectfully request sick leave".
Well done !
Love Alan
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Nov 15 04, 03:11
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Good Sir Knight
I am glad you enjoyed this piece of frippery Alan,
Yes I remember reading about Gerard Hoffnung's time at the Ministry of Pensions, where he had to answer letters sent to the department, which contained messages such as:
Sir, I have been in bed with a doctor for a week, and it doesn't seem to be doing me much good. If things don't improve, I must get another doctor.
Sir, this is to notify you that I have given birth to twins, in the enclosed envelope.
Re: your dental enquiry. The teeth on top are fine, but the ones on my bottom are hurting terribly.
They seem to suit my sense of humour.
Love
Grace
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Nov 28 04, 17:03
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Congratulations! :blueorn: This submission has been nominated as a finalist in the First Annual Mosaic Musings Holiday Classic! Best of luck! :holly:
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Dec 12 04, 05:20
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Thank you for your finalist submission.
Although your tile did not win, we congratulate you for bringing the spirit of the holidays to all. :holly:
Look for our MMHC chapbook with all the submissions in the future!
Happiest of holidays to you and yours!
~Cleo :xmas:
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Sep 25 05, 16:05
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Permission granted for MMHC chapbook compilation
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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