Candy Clouds (tweaked Feb 20), Wizard Award ~ sonnet for children Options

[Eisa]

This is a revision of an oldie that I am considering for submission to a children's (older) magazine.

I'm trying a slight change to the first line

RECENT REVISION 19/01/07
TWEAKED 16/02/07
tweaked again 20/02/07




Candy Clouds

A shoal of phantom barracuda floats
in cerulean ripples, quickly chased
by snapping crocodiles; two sun-bleached boats
pursue the quaint parade; with greatest haste
a giant gerbil paddles his canoe.
Is this the hungry hunter, who’s the bane
of Cobalt Kingdom -- or the kangaroo
that sambas on a patchwork counterpane?

Who gobbles up the gooey, candy clouds?
The topaz master of the skies should know.
Observing every prank, he laughs aloud,
reclining, plumped on pillows – face aglow.

He toasts the mallow pictures cruising by
with fingers blazing patterns through the sky.

First line was ~
A shoal of phantom flatfish slowly floats

then was~
A spooky shoal of phantom haddock floats

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REVISION

Candy Clouds

A shoal of phantom flatfish, slowly float
among cerulean ripples, quickly chased
by snapping crocodiles. A sun-bleached boat
pursues the quaint parade. With greatest haste
a giant gerbil paddles his canoe.
Perhaps he is the hungry hunter, bane
of Cobalt Kingdom -- or the kangaroo
that sambas on a patchwork counterpane.

Who gobbles up the gooey candy clouds?
The topaz master of the skies should know.
Observing every prank, he laughs aloud,
reclining on plump pillows – face aglow.

He toasts the mallow pictures cruising by;
his fingers blazing patterns through the sky.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ORIGINAL


Candy Clouds

A shoal of ghostly fishes slowly float
along the azure ripples, quickly chased
by snapping crocodiles. A washed-out boat
pursues the quaint parade. With eager haste,
a giant hamster darts across the blue.
Perhaps he is the hungry hunter, bane
of Sapphire Kingdom, or the kangaroo
that leapt upon a candied counterpane.

Who gobbles up the fluffy mallow clouds?
The topaz ruler of the skies will know.
He watches all their antics, looking proud
upon a plumped-up pillow -- face aglow.

He toasts the changing pictures cruising by;
his fiery arms outstretched across the sky.

Reason for edit: changing 1st line