Nightmare's Chamber ~ Swap Quatrain, Revised ~ 6/20/07 (a complete turnaround) Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I did some refresh research on the Swap Quatrain and discovered that it should have iambic meter. Well... the last verse in the original didn't so it's been rewritten and a verse added. Let me know what you think please?

Nightmare's Chamber ~ Swap Quatrain (Revision 2)

As darkness spreads... a raven cries;
low-sailing sun turns red and dyes
the fading light with crimson threads.
A raven cries as darkness spreads...

When midnight drapes, dank chambers reek
of shadows, weary as they seek
lost souls who drift in moonlit crepes;
dank chambers reek when midnight drapes.

Pale silhouettes of mists ensnare
soft winds still whisp'ring unaware
of pending grief; a coronet
of mists ensnare pale silhouettes.

Sweet angels weep in ancient dreams
as thoughts presage prophetic themes.
Dark velvet eyes fear Satan's sleep
in ancient dreams; sweet angels weep.


The darkness fed... a raven cried;
the failing sun turned red and died.
As waning light to crimson bled,
a raven cried... the darkness fed.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Aug 2006



Revision 1

Nightmare's Chamber ~ Swap Quatrain

Sweet angels weep in ancient dreams
as thoughts presage prophetic themes.
Soft velvet eyes fear Satan's sleep;
in ancient dreams, sweet angels weep.

As midnight drapes, dank chambers reek
of shadows weary as they seek
lost souls who drift in moonlit crepes;
dank chambers reek as midnight drapes.

A silhouette of mist ensnares
the winds still whisp'ring unaware
of silent grief; a coronet
of mist ensnares a silhouette.

The darkness spreads... a raven cries;
low-sailing sun turns red and dyes
pale streaks of light with crimson threads.
A raven cries; the darkness spreads...

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Aug 2006

S3 L1 A silhouette of hope ensnares
L2 high winds still whisp'ring unaware
L3 for silent grief and deep regret
L4 of hope ensnares a silhouette


Original~

Nightmare's Chamber ~ Swap Quatrain

Sweet angels weep in ancient dreams
as thoughts presage prophetic theme.
Dark velvet eyes fear Satan's sleep;
in ancient dreams, sweet angels weep.

As midnight drapes, dank chambers reek
of shadows weary as they seek
lost souls who drift in moonlit crepes;
dank chambers reek as midnight drapes.

When comes the morrow - hearts implore;
yet winds still whisper Nevermore!
In silent grief and gripping sorrow,
hearts implore, when comes the morrow?

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Aug 2006

S1 L2 - as thoughts flow in prophetic theme
S2 L3 - for souls who drift in ghostly capes
S3 L3 - In silent grief and deepest sorrow
S2 L3 - 'for' to 'lost'
S1 L3 - dark velvet eyes who fear to sleep
S2 L1 & 4 'the' to 'dank'
midnight
weary
chamber(s)
angels
dreams
ancient
nevermore
morrow
velvet
prophet(ic)

[AMETHYST]

Oh Cathy I remember this one and I like the changes thus far. Actually I didn't think there was room for further improvement. It really is smooth to the ear and mind. Some in line thoughts and comments, and if by chance I come across a tumble I will let you know.

Hugs, Liz ...

Nightmare's Chamber ~ Swap Quatrain

Sweet angels weep in ancient dreams
as thoughts presage prophetic themes.
Soft velvet eyes fear Satan's sleep;
in ancient dreams, sweet angels weep.

The rhythm is breath-taking. Smooth and soft to the ear and follows through without any unnatural pauses or stumbles. I relaly like the change in L2, presage - the 'age' sound bounces back onto 'angels in L1. The flow is capturing. The sense of drama rises slight in L3 which gives the reader a moment of surprise which works well.

As midnight drapes, dank chambers reek
of shadows weary as they seek
lost souls who drift in moonlit crepes;
dank chambers reek as midnight drapes.

L2, perhaps 'peek' is more closer to intent. seek, to me, feels like someone is out searching but has not found it. However in L3, it paints a picture that the souls are lost and the narrator is viewing these lost souls, not that the narrator is looking for them. I envision the narrator onviewing the drifting souls, flowing through the moonlit crepes (excellent image) and they are looking for their way. It might just be me. The line change over is commendable. YAHOOOO...


A silhouette of hope ensnares
high winds still whisp'ring unaware;
for silent grief and deep regret
of hope ensnares a silhouette.

Oh my this is delicious. The sense of dramatic undertone builds here, yet still maintaining an innocence. The word choices are perfect, especially L3... 'for silent grief and deep regret' EXCELLENT!

The darkness spreads... a raven cries;
low-sailing sun turns red and dyes
pale streaks of light with crimson threads.
A raven cries; the darkness spreads...


Excellent ending. Bowing to you Cathy ... What I felt worked best about this ending is how it leaves the reader with specks of their own assumtions. The way the picture, the visual picture presented unfolds and reveals the ending. I loved your use of dyes ... Excellent... just excellent

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Aug 2006

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Oh Cathy I remember this one and I like the changes thus far. Actually I didn't think there was room for further improvement. It really is smooth to the ear and mind. Some in line thoughts and comments, and if by chance I come across a tumble I will let you know.

Hugs, Liz ...

Thank you!

Nightmare's Chamber ~ Swap Quatrain

Sweet angels weep in ancient dreams
as thoughts presage prophetic themes.
Soft velvet eyes fear Satan's sleep;
in ancient dreams, sweet angels weep.

The rhythm is breath-taking. Smooth and soft to the ear and follows through without any unnatural pauses or stumbles. I relaly like the change in L2, presage - the 'age' sound bounces back onto 'angels in L1. The flow is capturing. The sense of drama rises slight in L3 which gives the reader a moment of surprise which works well.

Thanks Liz! I like 'presage' too... it's not often you see that word.

As midnight drapes, dank chambers reek
of shadows weary as they seek
lost souls who drift in moonlit crepes;
dank chambers reek as midnight drapes.

L2, perhaps 'peek' is more closer to intent. seek, to me, feels like someone is out searching but has not found it. However in L3, it paints a picture that the souls are lost and the narrator is viewing these lost souls, not that the narrator is looking for them. I envision the narrator onviewing the drifting souls, flowing through the moonlit crepes (excellent image) and they are looking for their way. It might just be me. The line change over is commendable. YAHOOOO...

Thanks again~ I think the shadows are seeking the lost souls, maybe to lead them home? *smiles* 'Flowing through the moonlit crepes'... now that's an interesting interpretation of the image. Works quite well IMO. The actual thought was that the lost souls are wearing moonlit crepes. You know how in the movies the ghost is always drifting around in a sheer white gown of some sort. Now I have dual images! LOL

A silhouette of hope ensnares
high winds still whisp'ring unaware;
for silent grief and deep regret
of hope ensnares a silhouette.

Oh my this is delicious. The sense of dramatic undertone builds here, yet still maintaining an innocence. The word choices are perfect, especially L3... 'for silent grief and deep regret' EXCELLENT!

Thank you! That's a bit odd that you would like this verse so well. I'm not too sure of it myself, being a bit unsure of the clarity and Lori was a bit confused by it as well. It all hinges on 'regret'. Hope shouldn't be regretted.

The darkness spreads... a raven cries;
low-sailing sun turns red and dyes
pale streaks of light with crimson threads.
A raven cries; the darkness spreads...


Excellent ending. Bowing to you Cathy ... What I felt worked best about this ending is how it leaves the reader with specks of their own assumtions. The way the picture, the visual picture presented unfolds and reveals the ending. I loved your use of dyes ... Excellent... just excellent

Thanks Liz! I like cliff-hangers! LOL How far is it going to spread, what else will be revealed, will it come for me???

Thanks for taking a look-see and adding your thoughts. They are most appreciated and I thank you for the lavish compliments!

Cathy

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Aug 2006