 Haiku or not, Wizard Award ~ haiku without season |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms
 Jun 1 07, 17:44
Post
#1
|
|
 Laureate Legionnaire  Posts: 376 Joined: 28-May 07 From: Co. Galway, Ireland Member No.: 440 Real Name: Terry O C Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Ephiny  |
4th version
 a soft kiss upon my skin snowflake With special thanks to Lary, Cleo, Liz and Snow. 3rd version softly as snowfall she kisses, I feel it not cool upon my skin 2nd version Softly like snowfall she kisses, I feel it not cold upon my skin 1st version Softly so softly
you kiss me, I felt it not not upon my skin ·······  ·······Terry
light lights light --Raymond Rosliep "The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates." --Oscar Wilde MM Award Winner      |
  
|
|
 |
Replies
|
Jun 2 07, 06:35
Post
#2
|
|
 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Terry,
Welcome to our new forum!  On first read, I made three observations: (1) this seems more like a Senryu since its about 'people' and (2) the repeat of words seems overkill and (3) the double negative seems out of place? QUOTE Softly so softly you kiss me, I felt it not not upon my skin Perhaps with a little playing - you could add a season element like 'summer wind, spring breezes' or something else that enhances the 'softly' phrase/image? Maybe something like: A summer breeze echoes a soft kiss -- not upon my skin or A warm wind ? ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner       |
|
|
|
|
Jun 2 07, 15:59
Post
#3
|
|
|
Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 376 Joined: 28-May 07 From: Co. Galway, Ireland Member No.: 440 Real Name: Terry O C Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Ephiny |
Hi Cleo,
thanks, I think you've hit the nail on the head. I will be adding a season but not a warm one. I want to make this fit into haiku form without changing the look of the words too much, I like those lips. I'll make the changes now and would be grateful of any more advice. Terry ······· ·······Terry
light lights light --Raymond Rosliep "The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates." --Oscar Wilde MM Award Winner |
|
|
|
Posts in this topic
Terocon101 Haiku or not Jun 1 07, 17:44 
laryalee Hi Terry,
it's nice to meet you!
This is s... Jun 1 07, 21:27 
Terocon101 Hi Lary,
the pleasures all mine. I'm glad you... Jun 2 07, 15:47 Eisa Hi Terry
I give a thumbs up to a tanka for this o... Jun 2 07, 04:50 Terocon101 QUOTE (Eisa @ Jun 2 07, 10:50 ) Hi Terry
... Jun 2 07, 15:51 Kathy Terocon wrote:
I want to make this fit into haiku ... Jun 2 07, 18:01 Terocon101 QUOTE (Kathy @ Jun 3 07, 00:01 ) Terocon ... Jun 3 07, 12:47 laryalee Hi Terry,
one thing that takes time to understand
... Jun 3 07, 00:05 Terocon101 Hi Lary,
I hear what your saying and I love your ... Jun 3 07, 13:10 AMETHYST Hello Terry,
I am a newbie in the world of Haiku... Jun 3 07, 14:02 Terocon101 [quote name='AMETHYST' date='Jun 3 07,... Jun 4 07, 17:22 laryalee Terry,
it's a delight to discuss this with you... Jun 3 07, 15:39 Terocon101 Hi Lary,
neighbour's field
newborn lambs play... Jun 4 07, 20:00 Terocon101 Whoops Jun 4 07, 20:05 Kathy QUOTE These bloody haiku
I dont really see the poi... Jun 4 07, 21:24 Terocon101 Kathy wrote,
Hahahaha Terry. You'll be glad t... Jun 5 07, 11:39 laryalee a soft kiss
upon my skin
snowflake
Terry, this is... Jun 5 07, 12:46 JustDaniel A wonderful discussion! Thank you all... and ... Jun 29 07, 19:46 Terocon101 Hello again Danny boy,
glad you enjoyed, I can ha... Jun 29 07, 20:38 Rosemerta Hey there, Terry,
It has been interesting readi... Jul 1 07, 14:02 Terocon101 QUOTE (Rosemerta @ Jul 1 07, 20:02 ) Hey ... Jul 9 07, 15:39 4rum Hey Terry...
I think when contemplating a new d... Jul 21 07, 17:38 Terocon101 Hi Sam,
firstly, it's a pleasure to meet you ... Jul 22 07, 16:35 4rum Morning Terry;
Part of the point there was in the... Jul 23 07, 04:31 JustDaniel ... but I think that others have well noted that 5... Jul 23 07, 09:28 Terocon101 Hey Daniel,
Yeah, I think we're all in mutual... Jul 23 07, 13:56 Lady Poet Yes! Yes! YES!!!
Terry your 4... Sep 27 07, 03:54 Terocon101 Hi Pami,
I have to say I'm happy with that ... Sep 27 07, 07:23 Lady Poet You're so very welcome Terry...this modern for... Sep 27 07, 08:18 Terocon101 Classes...here...?...Well, yes & no, by worksh... Sep 27 07, 11:01 Cleo_Serapis Congrats Terry on your wizard award winning tile... Nov 4 07, 10:43 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
 |
|
Lo-Fi Version | Time is now: 14th September 2025 - 08:54 |
Read our FLYERS - click below
|
| more Quotes |
| ||
|
|
|
|
