We Grieve En Masse, x10 Challenge - Revised 6/6/07 Options

[JLY]

1st Revision: 6/6/07

WE GRIEVE EN MASSE

We pray today for the fearless;
bugles' echoes solemnly flow
casting a faithful closing veil
with reverence, we now bestow.

Processions of grieving marchers
lay wreaths at every sacred tomb;
honors, mothers never envisioned
the day their child left the womb.

Many rally cries for retribution,
but who is the enemy we fight?
Power should never embolden us
to deny one's unalienable rights.

WE GRIEVE EN MASSE

We pray today for the unafraid;
solemn echoes of bugles' blows
cast their faithful closing veil
with reverence we only now bestow.

Processions of grieving marchers
lay wreaths at every sacred tomb,
accolades, mothers never envisioned
the day their prince left the womb.

Many of us rally the cry for retribution,
but who is the enemy we seek to fight?
May our children learn that other cultures
are also blessed with an inalienable right.

Words used (in order of appearance): pray, unafraid, echoes, bugle, faith, tombs, accolade, prince, learn, right

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi John,

Such a beautiful poem in honor of those who gave the ultimate sacrifice. Just a few thoughts... use or lose~

Cathy


We pray today for the unafraid;
solemn echoes of bugles' blows
cast their faithful closing veil
with reverence we only now bestow.

'bugles' blows' was almost a tongue twister for me. And I'm wondering if 'unafraid' is quite the right word. Wouldn't they have been afraid a time or two? Maybe a bit of rearranging?

We pray today for faithful hearts;
bugle echoes in poignant flow
cast their fateful final veil
with reverence we now bestow.

Processions of grieving marchers
lay wreaths at every sacred tomb,
accolades, mothers never envisioned
the day their prince left the womb.

If you changed 'prince' to 'child' it would make it universal. Women are allowed in battle now and this would include both.

Many {of us} rally {the} cr[ies]{y} for retribution,
but who is the enemy we {seek to} fight?
May our children learn that other cultures
are also blessed with an inalienable right.

I think you could omit some of the words above and it would read similar to the previous verses. And what about 'foreign' instead of 'other' in line 3? Or something more descriptive than 'other'.

Many rally cries for retribution,
but who is the enemy we fight?
May our children learn that foreign cultures
are also blessed with an inalienable right.