Critiquer of the Month for April Nominations, now through May 13th Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Calling all writers of the Mosaic!

The time has come to nominate a member who you feel best demonstrated the CRITIQUE in APRIL.



Nominate a member here by replying to this tile.

The award:
*Laurel Wreath

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

The details:

• Choose at least TWO posts critiqued by the member you'd like to nominate from the month of APRIL. *You can do this by utilizing our 'sort by topic started' OR last post date' and 'descending sort' functions located at the bottom of each forum's page display and then look to make sure the critiques were posted in April as well.
• Post the two examples in this thread.
• Post only the CRITIQUES.
• Make sure your example critiques are from the month of APRIL.
• State the tile's name, author and forum the critique was replied to.
• Eligible forums:
  Herme's Homilies and Seren's Synapse for poetry COM nominations
  Stonehenge and Loch Ness for Prose COM nominations

Nominations will be taken through May 13th, 2007.

Additional note: If more than one member is nominated for the COM award, this tile will serve as a balloting process. We will create a POLL and the members will vote the winner.

Good luck all!
Thank you for helping to build the Mosaic!

~ Mosaic Musings Staff

[Guest_Cathy_*]

LOL I was just about to nominate Kathy myself but I get here and find that you've already done it! Oh well, here are my examples... one of which you've used! LOL

I would like to nominate Kathy...

First example from Escaping From Tedium in Seren's



First impressions: I like the idea; it made me smile. The baby's crying is used well, linking the whole thing and ultimately giving an excuse for laziness/um repose. That baby is probably the cause of piled-up, postponed tasks, anyway. They do that. Make a person put things off, I mean.

The first stanza tended to put me off, (in another way.) I don't think you need it. Have a look at it. Isn't it just the cue to start you? Isn't it redundant now that you've written the poem? Isn't it similar to thousands of other verses about a dream? What does it really add?


I fly higher... gigantic birds snapping
at my feet, their screeches deafening,
then slowly I drift back to bleak reality,
waking late, to the phone's shrill tone

I'd prefer a start with the baby. How many other poems have you seen that begin like this? Look how fresh it is:

... and baby crying.

My hands race against the clock:
scrubbing caked on baked bean sauce
from last night's dishes, crammed into the sink;
shining hazy windows, before
the sun's blaze spotlights fingerprints.

Hush baby ... don't cry.

Dirty laundry pleads to look pristine,
a tower of ironing teeters, tumbling
over on the mud-printed floor
-- mop's mislaid

... and baby's still crying!

Stop! there's no time for games,
I must iron out the wrinkles
left creased from yesterday.

Oh! ... that baby.

Damn those big baby eyes...
I can't resist your screen any longer

I’ll check messages... the forums ...
... the latest game, 'Pterodactyl Island'

Mmm … Mama loves to play with baby.


Well, maybe change and tighten, but you get wot I mean don't you?


A few suggestions:


... the baby's crying.

{My hands} I race against the clock: (but 'against the clock' is hackneed...you can do better!) I suggested a change re 'hands' simply because of the rhythm, but maybe was too hasty.
scrubbing caked on baked bean sauce it should be caked-on, shouldn't it?
from last night's dishes, crammed into the sink; no comma needed after dishes, and only a comma needed after sink; the following segment has nothing to do with the sink.
shining hazy windows, before take the comma out
the sun's blaze spotlights fingerprints.

Hush baby... don't cry.

Dirty laundry pleads to look pristine,
a tower of ironing teeters, tumbling
over on the mud-printed floor
-- mop's mislaid

I enjoy the rhythm of it,the alliteration, and this 'mud-printed floor'. YES!

… and baby's still crying! Great! Just right. The poem is taking off.

Stop! there's no time for games,
I must iron out the wrinkles
left creased from yesterday. I like the suggestion of a metaphor here.

Oh! … that baby.

Damn those big baby eyes …
I can't resist your screen any longer

I’ll check messages … the forums …
… the latest game, 'Pterodactyl Island'

Mmm … Mama loves to play with baby.

Yep, it goes like a crackerjack, all the way to the end.

Cool.

K

Second example ~ Senescent in Herme's



Interesting, Liz. The special attributes of the Triolet are used to advantage here, especially From here:

.................... In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting each day? I have become no one.

I will have to come back after this has settled a while, but the beginning doesn't really sit properly. ie:

To merely exist sitting in silence,
counting each day until one becomes none
has left me lonely. There is no defense
to merely exist, sitting.

To merely exist, sitting in silence, counting each day

sounds ok to me, but not:

'until one becomes none' I get what you mean, and maybe I am being too picky. But no-one would say it like that. It has to be 'counting down,' doesn't it?

'There is no defense to merely exist' is not a proper sentence either. No defense to what?

So I have to think.

Pesky things, aren't they!