Hope's Slope, From Flash No.52 Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hope's Slope


On Hope’s Peak, we wend our way
through powdered paradise,
gleaming smiles in sun’s warmth.

Cutting fresh tracks, we

slow

the

pace

down …

just long enough to enjoy
Nan’s lunch at her “Heavenly Hut”
high in the clouds.

We can almost touch

His

nebulosity

overhead --

embracing the might of this
wondrous slope before us.

Lofty, emerald pines shroud the
terrain just out of reach, the city beyond --
we realize time’s passing and tepidly

wave

goodbye.

Humbly trodden paths
of this fantastic forest
reveal the way home;
we compliment sun’s

descent

toward

dusk.

Jamie slides to an abrupt stop:
ski shop owner Hope lays injured…

“Just - one - slalom…
Rescue? Ski Patrol?” her words
barely audible,

trail off.

“Once - a long time ago, friend.”
Their eyes say so much more.

I wend my way through
powder’s hell-fire,
hoping upon life’s hands
I make it back before

Hope

and

time

surrender.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter

[AMETHYST]

Hi Lori,

I know the other night I posted a critique to this and I am dumbfounded as to what happened to it. I know I did, because I couldn't make the formatting the same and winked at you that you might help on that.

Anyway, perhaps when I hit post, it didn't and I didn't realize it. So here goes my thoughts again, I hope this one is better than it was... :) Maybe the universe thought I could do better and deleted it so I would have a clearer mind!

Hope's Slope

I like this title. Fresh, interesting to get the reader curious. It brought to mind 'Hope Floats" the movie and I entered wondering if it was a twist on the movie...

On Hope’s Peak, we wend our way
through powdered paradise,
gleaming smiles in sun’s warmth.

A nicely formed opening. Nice line breaks and inner rhymes to offer a pleasant tone and a taste of alliteration that compliments the voice. I like the use of 'wend' here ... Only suggestion I would add 'a' between through/powdered in L2.

Cutting fresh tracks, we

slow
the
pace
down …

Nice formatting emphasizes the slowing and sort of a lazily step. Nice word working and crafting.

just long enough to enjoy
Nan’s lunch at her “Heavenly Hut”
high in the clouds.

Some minor weeding here and perhaps something to break up the alliterative force of heavenly hut' either 'Heavenly nut Hut' or Heavenly Lunch Hut ...

Example:

long enough to enjoy
lunch at Nan's "Heavenly Hut"
high amid the clouds.


( or actually with the clarity of omitting 'her ...' and placing the possessive noun in a stronger position, I don't think nut is needed.

We can almost touch
His
nebulosity
overhead --
embracing the might of this
wondrous slope before us.

Absolutely marvelous. I love the use of nebulosity.

Lofty, emerald pines shroud the
terrain just out of reach, the city beyond --
we realize time’s passing and tepidly

Some line break suggestions...
L1, break after shroud
L2, sort of feels incomplete with 'the city beyond' and it doesn't follow up with from what... I would gather it is beyond the terrain, but the terrain is near enough that it closer than the city, but not near enough to engage. mmm...

Perhaps...

Lofty, emerald pines shroud
the terrain remains out of reach,
with the city just beyond --
we realize time’s passing and tepidly

wave
goodbye.
Humbly trodden paths
of this fantastic forest
reveal the way home;
we compliment sun’s

descent
toward
dusk.
Jamie slides to an abrupt stop:
ski shop owner Hope lays injured…

“Just - one - slalom…
Rescue? Ski Patrol?” her words
barely audible,
trail off.
“Once - a long time ago, friend.”
Their eyes say so much more.

I wend my way through
powder’s hell-fire,
hoping upon life’s hands
I make it back before
Hope
and
time
surrender.

I would suggest line break after way ...

I wend my way
through powder's hell-fire,

instead of hoping upon life's hands, maybe leaning upon life's hands

hope
and
time
surrender.

Love it.



Hugs, Liz ...

Wonderful creative thinking here... I enjoyed this.