 Hope's Slope, From Flash No.52 |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
 May 6 07, 10:22
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep  |
Hope's Slope
On Hope’s Peak, we wend our way through powdered paradise, gleaming smiles in sun’s warmth. Cutting fresh tracks, we slow the pacedown … just long enough to enjoy Nan’s lunch at her “Heavenly Hut” high in the clouds. We can almost touch His nebulosity embracing the might of thisoverhead -- wondrous slope before us. Lofty, emerald pines shroud the terrain just out of reach, the city beyond -- we realize time’s passing and tepidly wave Humbly trodden pathsgoodbye. of this fantastic forest reveal the way home; we compliment sun’s descent toward Jamie slides to an abrupt stop:dusk. ski shop owner Hope lays injured… “Just - one - slalom… Rescue? Ski Patrol?” her words barely audible, “Once - a long time ago, friend.”trail off. Their eyes say so much more. I wend my way through powder’s hell-fire, hoping upon life’s hands I make it back before Hope and timesurrender. Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter ·······  ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
  
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May 8 07, 11:15
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#2
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 10,024 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
This is a great one, Lori. I love the way you've weaved the snow slopes, the enjoyment, as well as the accident, into your poem. Wonderful Flash work!!
I'll see whether I have any suggestions, to take or toss... :-) QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ May 6 07, 17:22 ) [snapback]95551[/snapback] Hope's Slope
On Hope’s Peak, we wend our way through powdered paradise, gleaming smiles in sun’s warmth. [b]I'm not sure about 'gleaming smiles'...sounds toothpasty...sorry!!! Otherwise, excellent beginning. Cutting fresh tracks, we slow the pacedown … just long enough to enjoy Nan’s lunch at her “Heavenly Hut” high in the clouds. Beautiful!!!! We can almost touch [glow=yellow]His cotton balls[[/glow]indent] overhead --[/indent]embracing the might of this wondrous slope before us. Lori, I'm probably dirty-minded, but doesn't '....touch----His----cotton balls----- sound a bit, well...you know, not quite respectful?! Unless I've completely missed the meaning...  Lofty, emerald pines shroud the terrain just out of reach, the city beyond -- we realize time’s passing and tepidly wave goodbye. Humbly trodden paths of this fantastic forest reveal the way home; we compliment sun’s descent toward Jamie slides to an abrupt stop:dusk. ski shop owner Hope lays injured… This surprise event is very well managed. I hadn't expected anything of the sort. Good story woven in, congrats! “Just - one - slalom… Rescue? Ski Patrol?” her words barely audible, trail off. “Once - a long time ago, friend.” Their eyes say so much more. How true...how poignant. I wend my way through powder’s hell-fire, hoping upon life’s hands I make it back before Hope and timesurrender. The ending leaves me wondering whether you get back in time to save Hope. I suppose the Flash didn't allow more time. All the same, I like poems -and stories- where the reader has to decide, or imagine, various finales. Lovely, touching work, Lori! Good idea to post it in the forum. I shall be watching developments. Hugs, Syl ***  Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter[/b] ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner     |
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May 11 07, 05:49
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Sylvia!
 Thanks - I'm glad you enjoyed the shaping in this one! It was fun to write, although tricky with these indent tags.  QUOTE (Psyche @ May 8 07, 12:15 ) [snapback]95714[/snapback] This is a great one, Lori. I love the way you've weaved the snow slopes, the enjoyment, as well as the accident, into your poem. Wonderful Flash work!! I'll see whether I have any suggestions, to take or toss... :-) On Hope’s Peak, we wend our way through powdered paradise, gleaming smiles in sun’s warmth. I'm not sure about 'gleaming smiles'...sounds toothpasty...sorry!!! Otherwise, excellent beginning. LOL! Never thought of it sounding that way - I'll think on alternatives for beaming smile/sun's warmth. Cutting fresh tracks, we slow the pacedown … just long enough to enjoy Nan’s lunch at her “Heavenly Hut” high in the clouds. Beautiful!!!! Thanks very much! We can almost touch [glow=yellow]His cotton balls[/glow] embracing the might of thisoverhead -- wondrous slope before us. Lori, I'm probably dirty-minded, but doesn't '....touch----His----cotton balls----- sound a bit, well...you know, not quite respectful?! Unless I've completely missed the meaning... LOL! I hadn't seen it until you mentioned it -  Yes, that is too funny - I've made a change to the 'cotton balls' with 'nebulosity'.' Jamie slides to an abrupt stop: ski shop owner Hope lays injured… This surprise event is very well managed. I hadn't expected anything of the sort. Good story woven in, congrats! Thanks again - glad you liked the change there. “Once - a long time ago, friend.” Their eyes say so much more. How true...how poignant. I wend my way through powder’s hell-fire, hoping upon life’s hands I make it back before Hope and timesurrender. The ending leaves me wondering whether you get back in time to save Hope. I suppose the Flash didn't allow more time. All the same, I like poems -and stories- where the reader has to decide, or imagine, various finales. Lovely, touching work, Lori! Good idea to post it in the forum. I shall be watching developments. Hugs, Syl *** Yes, I was thinking of continuing this in a part 2 but wanted to leave the suspense ending - I hope it isn't too disappointing that way? Its like tossing out breadcrumbs but the reader doesn't find the hut....  I look forward to your return!~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Posts in this topic
Cleo_Serapis Hope's Slope May 6 07, 10:22 
Ephiny Hi Lori,
I always love a poem that tells a story ... May 8 07, 06:22 
Cleo_Serapis QUOTE (Ephiny @ May 8 07, 07:22 ) 95692Hi... May 11 07, 05:41 JaxMyth Lori,
Enjoyed in the main with a couple of nits.
... May 9 07, 22:02 Cleo_Serapis QUOTE (JaxMyth @ May 9 07, 23:02 ) 95811L... May 11 07, 05:53 Judi I will be waiting for your followup poem...
I hav... May 11 07, 07:21 Cleo_Serapis QUOTE (Judi @ May 11 07, 08:21 ) 95893I w... May 11 07, 17:00 AMETHYST Hi Lori,
I know the other night I posted a criti... May 12 07, 18:24 Cleo_Serapis Hey Liz,
I can't believe I didn't reply t... Dec 24 08, 07:10 vessq Hello Lori,
I read the poem. Read the suggestion... Jan 6 09, 20:17 Cleo_Serapis Thanks so much for your visit, Vess.
I live in M... Jan 8 09, 17:13 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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