Senescent (Temporary Revisions), Wizard & Faery Awards ~ Triolet Options

[AMETHYST]

Needs polishing for submission to The Guardian Poetry Workshop

. .


*******Third Revision*********

For The Senescent (Alternative Title - For the Aging)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist ... sitting ... in silence,
counting down days? I have become no one.



******Second Revision******


For The Senescent (Alternative Title - For the Aging)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting down days? I have become no one.






*******First Revision******

For The Senescent (Alternative Title - For The Aging)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has striped away my mind. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting down days? I have become no one.





********Original**********

For The Senescent


To merely exist sitting in silence,
counting each day until one becomes none
has left me lonely. There is no defense
to merely exist, sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting each day? I have become no one.

OPTIONAL L6 "their triumphs, growing old. What have I done

Reason for edit: Made Temporary Revisions

[Cleo_Serapis]

There's not much to crit here Liz!

To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In Silence, (Why capitalize silence)?
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting down days? I have become no one.

As a suggestion for L5:
I scrutinize other's lives, experience (to add more alliteration to 'silence' and 'sitting')

A poignant ending too - so sad!

Good luck in the comp!
~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Hi Lori,

Thank you for coming in, both regarding your title suggestion and this offering. I really think that the idea of 'scrutinize' is going in the direction I would hope, I am looking to establish that the narrator's life is a dull and uneventful life and that all her/his memories, conversational interests or anything that could be spoken of are but things others do, have had done to them, experience and the only emotions that are experienced are about what is happening in other peoples lives, because he/she doesn't participate in life, but just watches it. I am not sure if scrutinize is the right word, but it has me thinking along those lines. I was very unhappy with 'watch' and had played with it awhile but couldn't think of anything that would fit. Your suggestion now has me looking at other alternatives. I do love the alliteration and inner rhymes scruntinize/lives, which seems to bounce nicely off of one another. I will be playing with that.

Also, good eye, Lori, thank you for catching my typo, I have no idea what silence was capped, but I hadn't seen it or noticed it till you brought it to my attention! Thank God for critique and great friends! :)

Big Hugs, Liz

There's not much to crit here Liz!

To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In Silence, (Why capitalize silence)?
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting down days? I have become no one.

As a suggestion for L5:
I scrutinize other's lives, experience (to add more alliteration to 'silence' and 'sitting')

A poignant ending too - so sad!

Good luck in the comp!
~Cleo