Senescent (Temporary Revisions), Wizard & Faery Awards ~ Triolet Options

[AMETHYST]

Needs polishing for submission to The Guardian Poetry Workshop

. .


*******Third Revision*********

For The Senescent (Alternative Title - For the Aging)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist ... sitting ... in silence,
counting down days? I have become no one.



******Second Revision******


For The Senescent (Alternative Title - For the Aging)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting down days? I have become no one.






*******First Revision******

For The Senescent (Alternative Title - For The Aging)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has striped away my mind. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting down days? I have become no one.





********Original**********

For The Senescent


To merely exist sitting in silence,
counting each day until one becomes none
has left me lonely. There is no defense
to merely exist, sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting each day? I have become no one.

OPTIONAL L6 "their triumphs, growing old. What have I done

Reason for edit: Made Temporary Revisions

[Alan]

Dear Liz,

I thinl the optionalline is far stronger than the one in the poem, growing old relates more that "from afar".

Also, L8 could be closer to L2 while still retaining your thought :

counting each day until one's become none

You could in fact use that as L2 as well, thus complying totally with the rule, tho I know minor variations are allowed. Just thought yours was not sominor ?

Love
Alan

[AMETHYST]

Hi Alan,

Thank you for the feedback, especially for the optional line - I am playing around to two variations of the poem, one including that line in L6, while another incorporates the description of aging into L3, so I will be bouncing these thoughts here and there.

counting each day until one's become none

This is the exact line I had for L2, The idea of the Workshop this month is to do a Triolet and use make it different. I enjoy the Triolet Form for the slight variations that create such differences in meaning within the repeated lines. In L2, the intention is to show that this lonely person, counts the days until the last day become no more days. While in L8, I had hoped would inply that as she/he gets older and more people in their life are gone, one is left and then, without making memories and actually living, one they are gone, they will have been 'no one' so the change in the final word of 'none' and no-one' I felt necessary to imploy the rule of variation in words in the repeat line.

I am hoping that is how it comes across, but will be weeding it and tweaking it per critiques as they come.

I am glad that you've given me a thumbs up for the optional line, I also liked the idea of offering growing old, but am still unsure it might work best in L3.

Hugs, Liz ...

Thank you Alan! :)

Dear Liz,

I thinl the optionalline is far stronger than the one in the poem, growing old relates more that "from afar".

Also, L8 could be closer to L2 while still retaining your thought :



You could in fact use that as L2 as well, thus complying totally with the rule, tho I know minor variations are allowed. Just thought yours was not sominor ?

Love
Alan