 The Old Armchair (Tweaked 19/04/07), Wizard Award ~ memories |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
 Feb 21 07, 18:38
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#1
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori  |
 The Old Armchair (tweaked 19/04/07) Merging with mizzle I turn Mam’s front door key, numbed by emptiness until I step into her parlour: gold velour drapes the window bay; keepsakes swamp the sill. Her talent paints the walls exhibited in oils. Centre floor, a sheepskin hugs my feet in luxury. I brush with guests, once ushered in for tea and cakes, warmed by their chatter always tinged by laughter. When the alien scrambled her mind, visitors dwindled with her memory. They won’t seek hospitality in her nursing home. I sift though drawers, see my grandparent’s smiling faces. China ladies dance in a box with glass fish. Reminiscences blur, until two burly men arrive to collect the borrowed hospital equipment. Her armchair stands alone. I sit on the faded velvet, nudging back the years to … smooching on the matching sofa breathless with love …. waiting with Dad for my wedding car nerves gnawing inside… cushioned, I nursed my boys, inhaling their baby scents, while lulling them to sleep … over-feasted on Boxing Days, we piled in, sipping the mellow atmosphere. I caress the cherished arms, swathed in auld lang syne, sensing her comforting aura… It’s only a chair, love. Outside the clouds open; releasing a deluge I whisper Yes ... a chair padded with nostalgia. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Old Arm Chair (third revision) March 29th 2006 Merging with mizzle I turn her front door key, numbed by emptiness until I step into Mam’s parlour: gold velour drapes the window bay; keepsakes swamp the sill. Her talent paints the walls exhibited in oils. Centre floor, a sheepskin hugs my feet in luxury. I brush with guests, once ushered in, for tea and cakes, warmed by their chatter tinged by laughter. The alien scrambled her mind; visitors dwindled with her memory. They won’t seek hospitality in her nursing home. I sift though drawers, see grandparent’s smiling faces. China ladies dance in a box with glass fish. Reminiscences blur, until two burly men arrive to collect hospital equipment. Her armchair stands alone. I sit on faded velvet, nudging back the years to … smooching on the matching sofa breathless with love ... … waiting with Dad for my wedding car nerves gnawing inside ...… cushioned, I nursed my boys, inhaled their baby scents, lulling them to sleep ... … over-feasted on Boxing Days, we piled in, sipping the mellow atmosphere. I caress the cherished arms, swathed in auld lang syne, sensing her familiar aura… It’s only a chair, love. Suddenly, a cloud bursts outside; tears splatter as I whisper Yes … a chair padded with nostalgia. ******************************* The Old Arm Chair (second revision) Merging with the mizzle I turn her front door key shivering at the emptiness, then step in Mam’s parlour: gold velour drapes the window bay; the sill is still swamped with keepsakes. Oil paintings decorate walls exhibiting her talent. A sheepskin rug, centre floor, hugs my feet into its luxury. I brush with guests once ushered in for tea and cakes, warmed by their chatter tinged by laughter; then the alien scrambled her mind and visitors dwindled with her memory. I fear they won’t seek her hospitality in the nursing home. Sifting though drawers and shelves, I reminisce with family photographs and sentimental heirlooms, then supervise the removal of hospital equipment; her armchair stands alone. I sit on faded dappled velvet, nudging back the years to … smooching on the matching sofa breathless with love ...…. waiting with Dad for my wedding car nerves gnawing inside…... cushioned on this chair I nursed my baby boys, inhaled their baby scents, lulling them to sleep ...… over-feasted on Boxing Days, we piled in here, sipping the comfy atmosphere. For a final time I stroke the cherished arms, while swathed in auld lang syne; I sense her familiar aura.… It’s only a chair, love. My tears splatter with a sudden cloud burst outside; Yes, I whisper … a chair padded with memories. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Old Arm Chair -- FIRST REVISION Emotions merge with grey sky as I turn her front door key. Everywhere looks abandoned except Mam’s parlour: understated in grandeur, gold velour drapes the window bay, while the sill is swamped with keepsakes. A sheepskin rug, centre floor hugs my feet into its deep pile. Guests were ushered in here for cups of tea and cakes. I can still hear their chatter warmed by laughter, until the alien scrambled her mind; I know she’ll be forgotten in the nursing home. I sift though drawers and shelves and supervise the removal of hospital equipment. The sofa has long resided in the garage, now her old armchair stands alone. Feeling jaded, I sit on the faded chair of dappled velvet, nudging back the years, to smooching on the brand new sofa breathless with love ... … waiting with Dad for my wedding car nerves gnawing inside ...… cushioned on this chair I nursed my baby boys, inhaled their honeyed fragrance ... … over-feasted on Boxing Days, we piled in here, sipping the cosy atmosphere. Stroking the familiar arms for a final time, as the past wraps around me, I can almost hear her voice It’s only a chair, love My tears sprinkle like the showers outside. Yes, a chair full of memories. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Old Armchair My mood mirrors the grey sky as I turn the front door key, relieved to shelter from the deluge. All rooms look abandoned -- except Mam’s best room It’s dated appearance has an understated grandeur. Gold velour drapes the window bay; the sill is swamped with keepsakes. A sheepskin rug, centre floor hugs my feet into its deep pile. Guests would be ushered in here for cups of tea and cakes. I still hear their chatter warmed by laughter, until the alien scrambled her mind and visitors dwindled. I doubt she’ll have any callers at the nursing home. I sift though drawers and shelves -- supervise the gathering of hospital equipment. Two armchairs now stand alone, the sofa has long resided into the garage, giving way for a downstairs bed. Feeling jaded, I sit on the faded chair of dappled velvet, my mind somersaulting back through the years. The room nudges me with reminiscences … courting days, smooching on the sofa breathless with love ... waiting with Dad for my wedding car -- nerves gnawing inside ... … cushioned on this chair I nursed my baby boys, inhaled their honeyed fragrance ... … over-feasted, on Boxing Days, we piled in here, drinking up the cosy atmosphere. Stroking the familiar arms for a final time, the past wraps around me so tears tumble like the showers outside. I sense a rush of warmth -- a celestial embrace. ‘It’s only a chair, love’ ‘I know, Dad -- a chair full of memories’ ·······  ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
  
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Mar 7 07, 10:27
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Hi Snow,
I had a Fibro week and couldn't get back to this as I had liked to, but I will do what I can now! This is quite powerful in memory, and emotions that most readers will in some way relate and find themselves slipping into their own sense of meloncholy in light of our growing up and our parents growing on ward - ... Hope something I leave helps some, Big Wishes and hugs, Liz QUOTE The Old Arm Chair -- FIRST REVISION The title is perfect! Emotions merge with grey sky as I turn her front door key. Everywhere looks abandoned except Mam’s parlour: The opening stanza is strong with powerful and meaningful images, such as L1, how the feelings of the narrator blend with the greyness of the day- I loved the sound partnership between emotions/merge. L3, felt weak to my ear/minds eye. Perhpas... Emotions merge with grey sky as I turn her front door key, stepping in, swallowed by abandonment- except Mam's parlour: or as I turn her front door key, stilled-as each room appears abandoned except Mam's parlour: understated in grandeur, gold velour drapes the window bay, while the sill is swamped with keepsakes. A sheepskin rug, centre floor hugs my feet into its deep pile. Very active descriptions. In L2, I like how the word drapes is used as a verb and not a noun, so it gives off a dual effect 'Gold velour drapes'/ drapes the window bay, ' In L3, the word while doesn't seem to fit, as the line comes to a full end stop. I like the slight rhyme between parlour/velour/grandeur' smooth and unintrusive. Perhaps understated in grandeur gold velour drapes the window bay, and the sill is still swamped with keepsakes. A sheepskin rug warms a centre floor, hugs my feet into its deep pile. (Instead of pile, perhaps plush) Guests were ushered in here for cups of tea and cakes. I can still hear their chatter warmed by laughter, until the alien scrambled her mind; I know she’ll be forgotten in the nursing home. I would have liked a stronger sense of memories coming to life here... some thoughts... In L1, I don't think you need to tack on 'here' at the end, it really doesn't add anything, I love your use of ushered and would like to bring that line to life bouncing off of the sounds attributed there... A ghostly brush of guests once ushered in for tea and cakes, a whisper of chatter warmed by laughter, until things changed, she changed as if an alien scrambled her mind; I fear that she'll be forgotten, in the nursing home. (I was contemplating trying to blend her forgetting her life, and the fear of the narrator that she will be forgotten just like how she forgets her own life. Just stirring thoughts that are bounced off of what you have) I sift though drawers and shelves and supervise the removal of hospital equipment. The sofa has long resided in the garage, now her old armchair stands alone. I would suggest elliminating the sofa and focus the intention on the old armchair. Where the sofa is doesn't change and weakens the image of the armchair alone... Typo in L2, 'through' Perhaps ... I sift through drawers, rearrange some shelves and supervise the removal hospital equipment; her old armchair stands alone. Feeling jaded, I sit on the faded chair of dappled velvet, nudging back the years, to Perhaps, Feeling jaded, I sit on the faded chair of dappled velvet, nudging back the years, to - smooching on the brand new sofa breathless with love ... … waiting with Dad for my wedding car nerves gnawing inside ... cushioned on this chair I nursed my baby boys, inhaled their honeyed fragrance ... I would move up 'I nursed to the end of the first line. cushioned by this chair, I nursed my baby boys, inhaled their honeyed fragrance, lulled them to peaceful sleep ... over-feasted on Boxing Days, we piled in here, sipping the cosy atmosphere. Stroking the familiar arms for a final time, as the past wraps around me, I can almost hear her voice It’s only a chair, love I would stanza break here after love. Perhaps... A soft stroke against familiar arms, one final time, like an old friend comforts, as the past wraps around me, I can almost hear her voice, It's only a chair, love ... My tears sprinkle like the showers outside. Yes, a chair full of memories. [b] I would omit the first 2 lines, or perhaps... Through a swell of tears, sprinkling down like the misty rain outside; I whisper, "Yes, a chair of our memories." Big Hugs, this brought surges of mysty tears...  Liz
······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner  |
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Mar 8 07, 04:46
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#3
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Liz
I thought you were having a bad patch as I hadn't seen you around. I'm glad you are able to come back to this and give your expert opinions. QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Mar 7 07, 15:27 ) [snapback]92333[/snapback] Hi Snow, I had a Fibro week and couldn't get back to this as I had liked to, but I will do what I can now! This is quite powerful in memory, and emotions that most readers will in some way relate and find themselves slipping into their own sense of meloncholy in light of our growing up and our parents growing on ward - ... Hope something I leave helps some, Big Wishes and hugs, Liz QUOTE The Old Arm Chair -- FIRST REVISION The title is perfect! Emotions merge with grey sky as I turn her front door key. Everywhere looks abandoned except Mam’s parlour: The opening stanza is strong with powerful and meaningful images, such as L1, how the feelings of the narrator blend with the greyness of the day- I loved the sound partnership between emotions/merge. L3, felt weak to my ear/minds eye. Perhpas... Emotions merge with grey sky as I turn her front door key, stepping in, swallowed by abandonment- except Mam's parlour: or as I turn her front door key, stilled-as each room appears abandoned except Mam's parlour: Yes... that line is weak, I hadn't realized understated in grandeur, gold velour drapes the window bay, while the sill is swamped with keepsakes. A sheepskin rug, centre floor hugs my feet into its deep pile. Very active descriptions. In L2, I like how the word drapes is used as a verb and not a noun, so it gives off a dual effect 'Gold velour drapes'/ drapes the window bay, ' In L3, the word while doesn't seem to fit, as the line comes to a full end stop. I like the slight rhyme between parlour/velour/grandeur' smooth and unintrusive. Perhaps understated in grandeur gold velour drapes the window bay, and the sill is still swamped with keepsakes. A sheepskin rug warms a centre floor, hugs my feet into its deep pile. (Instead of pile, perhaps plush) Guests were ushered in here for cups of tea and cakes. I can still hear their chatter warmed by laughter, until the alien scrambled her mind; I know she’ll be forgotten in the nursing home. I would have liked a stronger sense of memories coming to life here... some thoughts... In L1, I don't think you need to tack on 'here' at the end, it really doesn't add anything, I love your use of ushered and would like to bring that line to life bouncing off of the sounds attributed there... A ghostly brush of guests once ushered in for tea and cakes, a whisper of chatter warmed by laughter, until things changed, she changed as if an alien scrambled her mind; I fear that she'll be forgotten, in the nursing home. (I was contemplating trying to blend her forgetting her life, and the fear of the narrator that she will be forgotten just like how she forgets her own life. Just stirring thoughts that are bounced off of what you have) I like your suggestion that visitors might now forget her just as she forgets her own life. I'll work on that. I sift though drawers and shelves and supervise the removal of hospital equipment. The sofa has long resided in the garage, now her old armchair stands alone. I would suggest elliminating the sofa and focus the intention on the old armchair. Where the sofa is doesn't change and weakens the image of the armchair alone... Typo in L2, 'through' Perhaps ... I sift through drawers, rearrange some shelves and supervise the removal hospital equipment; her old armchair stands alone. I agree -- forget the sofa and the other chair and concentrate on THE arm chair! Feeling jaded, I sit on the faded chair of dappled velvet, nudging back the years, to Perhaps, Feeling jaded, I sit on the faded chair of dappled velvet, nudging back the years, to - smooching on the brand new sofa breathless with love ... … waiting with Dad for my wedding car nerves gnawing inside ... cushioned on this chair I nursed my baby boys, inhaled their honeyed fragrance ... I would move up 'I nursed to the end of the first line. cushioned by this chair, I nursed my baby boys, inhaled their honeyed fragrance, lulled them to peaceful sleep ... over-feasted on Boxing Days, we piled in here, sipping the cosy atmosphere. Stroking the familiar arms for a final time, as the past wraps around me, I can almost hear her voice It’s only a chair, love I would stanza break here after love. Perhaps... A soft stroke against familiar arms, one final time, like an old friend comforts, as the past wraps around me, I can almost hear her voice, It's only a chair, love ... My tears sprinkle like the showers outside. Yes, a chair full of memories. [b] I would omit the first 2 lines, or perhaps... Through a swell of tears, sprinkling down like the misty rain outside; I whisper, "Yes, a chair of our memories." I am glad of your thoughts for the ending as I was not sure about it. The ending is important. Thanks for your suggestions. Big Hugs, this brought surges of mysty tears... LizI'm sure you had a surge of your own memories, Liz I pray your health will continue to improve. You hve given me plenty to chew over here. Thanks! Hugs Snow 
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Posts in this topic
Eisa The Old Armchair (Tweaked 19/04/07) Feb 21 07, 18:38 
Alan The Old Armchair
My mood mirrors the grey sky
as ... Feb 22 07, 15:50 Eisa Dear Alan
These are just the suggestions I'm ... Feb 22 07, 19:02 ohsteve Snow,...in this stanza.....
Guests would be ushere... Feb 24 07, 16:24 
Eisa QUOTE (ohsteve @ Feb 24 07, 21:24 ) 91844... Feb 27 07, 05:35 JustDaniel Ah, Snow... as I started to comment, my eyes droop... Feb 24 07, 22:30 Eisa QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Feb 25 07, 03:30 ) 91... Feb 27 07, 05:39 Cathy Hi Snow,
I wanted to let you know I've been h... Feb 25 07, 10:34 Eisa QUOTE (Cathy @ Feb 25 07, 15:34 ) 91872Hi... Feb 27 07, 05:42 AMETHYST Hi Snow,
My is this chocked full of memories and... Feb 27 07, 08:24 Eisa Hi Liz -- look forward to your return.
Snow Feb 27 07, 19:38 Cathy Hi Snow,
I made it back... finally! LOL As ... Mar 3 07, 09:12 Eisa Hi Cathy
Thanks for coming back to this with some... Mar 3 07, 16:18 azurepoetry Hi Snow,
i have many duties to attend to today, b... Mar 3 07, 16:22 Eisa Hi Tim
Nice to see you here. You are right -- thi... Mar 3 07, 16:53 Eisa Hi Tim
Well I couldn't wait to get my scissor... Mar 3 07, 20:23 azurepoetry Hi Snow,
You may need to oil your clippers after ... Mar 8 07, 11:15 Eisa Hi Tim -- nice to see you back!
QUOTE (azurep... Mar 8 07, 18:42 Peterpan Hi Snow~
WOW this is a tear jerker. I have not be... Mar 8 07, 14:22 Eisa QUOTE (Peterpan @ Mar 8 07, 19:22 ) 92407... Mar 8 07, 18:49 Eisa Second revision coming up!
Snow Mar 10 07, 19:33 Peterpan Hello Snow~
My comments in BOLD
This is such a m... Mar 11 07, 01:47 Eisa Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this Bev.
I t... Mar 11 07, 06:17 JaxMyth Thank you for the gift of 'mizzle' I have ... Mar 11 07, 23:25 Eisa Hi Jax -- it's good to have your thoughts on t... Mar 12 07, 09:49 Peterpan Snow~
Is mizzle miserable drizzle? heee hee that ... Mar 12 07, 12:31 Eisa QUOTE (Peterpan @ Mar 12 07, 17:31 ) 9270... Mar 13 07, 05:35 JaxMyth I would really query that dictionary Snow. This is... Mar 12 07, 18:13 Eisa Hi Jax
Thanks for the info. I did originally writ... Mar 13 07, 05:42 Kathy Snow, I've come late to this but I am glad I h... Mar 17 07, 11:11 Eisa QUOTE (Kathy @ Mar 17 07, 16:11 ) 92949Sn... Mar 18 07, 20:54 JaxMyth Very nice Snow.
Regards,
Jax Mar 19 07, 17:54 Eisa QUOTE (JaxMyth @ Mar 19 07, 22:54 ) 93118... Mar 19 07, 20:45 Eisa Third Revision
Snow Mar 28 07, 19:39 Cleo_Serapis Congrats Snow on your wizard award winning tile!
... Apr 15 07, 12:01 Eisa QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Apr 15 07, 18:01 ) ... Apr 17 07, 07:29 Kathy Ah, I forgot to come back, and look what I have mi... Apr 16 07, 02:50 Eisa Dear Kathy
Thank you so much for your good wishes... Apr 17 07, 07:31 Cathy Congratulations on your Wizard award Snow!
I ... Apr 17 07, 08:17 Eisa Hey Cathy
I like your suggestions very much ... I... Apr 17 07, 17:51 JaxMyth Merging with mizzle
I turn [her] (Mam’s )front doo... Apr 19 07, 09:11 Eisa Hi Jax
Thanks for coming back to this one -- some... Apr 19 07, 18:24 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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