A Wintry Heart-Final Revision, Wizard Award ~ Rondeau #2 Options

[AMETHYST]

These temporary revisions have been stirred by many of your suggestions and guidences. TY!

~~~~~Third Revision ... TY ALL ~~~~~
He died by spring's seductive scent;
gardenia's bloom on redolent
winds, hatchlings peep at skies of blue,
winter's ice turned to morning dew
and dreams that stirred old sentiment.

The damage of his decadent
days, spurred reclusive ways. He spent
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? By spring

the wounds of those, once innocent,
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old aches; he caused a few,
And by the grace of God, renewed...
he died in Spring.




~~~~~Temporary Revision~~~~~

He died by spring's seductive scent;
gardenia's bloom on redolent
winds, fledglings taking flight, skies blue,
winter's ice turned to morning dew
and dreams that stirred old sentiment.

The damage of his decadent
days, spurred reclusive ways. He spent
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? By spring

the wounds of those, once innocent,
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he caused a few,
And by the grace of God, renewed...
he died in Spring.


~~~~~~Original Draft~~~~~~~~~

He died by spring, just as the scent
of gardenia bloom-wafting, sent
fledglings to flight in skies lit blue;
while winter ice turned morning dew
and rainbow rays stirred sentiment.

Depression, selfishness had lent
a hand to his coldness, he spent
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? By spring

the wounds of who were innocent
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he caused a few
And by the grace of God, anew...
he died in Spring.

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Jan 28 07, 14:23

[TygerTyger]

Hey Liz!

You expressed a desire to have me look at your revision. So here then is my look-see!


He died by spring's seductive scent; <- Nice sounding line but "by" now has an unclear meaning. I know you mean 'before', but, it could also mean 'at the hand of'. And unless it's a Siren's scent, it's not likely to kill a man!
gardenia's bloom on redolent <- Good word choice here!
winds, fledglings taking flight, skies blue,
winter's ice turned to morning dew
and dreams that stirred old sentiment. <- Still a great poetic ride, just like before.

The damage of his decadent
days spurred reclusive ways. He spent
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? By spring <- I dropped the comma after "days" and changed "Who'd" so you could see how it reads. There's some really good changes here that serve well to set up the sestet. Nicely done!

the wounds of those, once innocent,
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he caused a few, <- This still seems a bit awkward to me. I have suggested some changes below for your consideration.
And by the grace of God, renewed...
he died in Spring.



he had realized his heart's intent,
to heal the wounds of the innocent
ones, for he had caused not a few. <- 'ones' and 'not' were here added to suggest possibilities to you for the subtle shift in perspective they bring.
And by the grace of God, renewed...
he died in Spring.

I think this is a lovely poem, Liz. I love reading about hearts changing for the better. It's the only way to live... or die. Keep working on it and it will be a dandy, one to be proud of.

As you wish!

Dennis!

[AMETHYST]

Hey Liz!

You expressed a desire to have me look at your revision. So here then is my look-see!

Hi Dennis! Thanks for coming back in to give a look see. All types of views are the best way to see if what you're doing is coming along as you hope!


He died by spring's seductive scent; <- Nice sounding line but "by" now has an unclear meaning. I know you mean 'before', but, it could also mean 'at the hand of'. And unless it's a Siren's scent, it's not likely to kill a man!

Yes I meant it as by the hand of... actually not like the season got up and killed him, but the change from winter into spring and the newness, purity of the scents and visions, the sentiments of spring, brought on severe depression and he died.

gardenia's bloom on redolent <- Good word choice here!
winds, fledglings taking flight, skies blue,
winter's ice turned to morning dew
and dreams that stirred old sentiment. <- Still a great poetic ride, just like before.

Thanks Dennis, I am glad the revisions hadn't lost anything in the change. :)

The damage of his decadent
days spurred reclusive ways. He spent
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? By spring <- I dropped the comma after "days" and changed "Who'd" so you could see how it reads. There's some really good changes here that serve well to set up the sestet. Nicely done!

Good eye. I didn't realize that comma was even there. LOL Again, thank you. I want some further revisions here to clarify some things that still seem rather vague. Will be working on it!

the wounds of those, once innocent,
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he caused a few, <- This still seems a bit awkward to me. I have suggested some changes below for your consideration.
And by the grace of God, renewed...
he died in Spring.



he had realized his heart's intent,
to heal the wounds of the innocent
ones, for he had caused not a few. <- 'ones' and 'not' were here added to suggest possibilities to you for the subtle shift in perspective they bring.
And by the grace of God, renewed...
he died in Spring.

I'll think on these suggestions. I don't think the word 'not' is inline with the intent. It sort of implies he didn't cause these hurts, while the intent was to show he was a little 'pip...'

I think this is a lovely poem, Liz. I love reading about hearts changing for the better. It's the only way to live... or die. Keep working on it and it will be a dandy, one to be proud of.

Thank you. I am very glad to hear that the endings intention is coming through clearly. I wanted to show that his owning up to his down falls, and his bequesting of God for forgiveness, God granted him sanction...

Oh this is just my little story, I don't know it is all that easy or if stupid heartaches are cause for forgiveness, but it was a poem! :)



As you wish!

Dennis!

Thanks Dennis. I will continue to work things out in this till I feel it has reached a higher potential, and I am always open for your thoughts and ideas.
Best Regards, Liz