Seasickness, Wizard Award ~ 06 Revision, 30 Nov 06 Options

[Guest_Don_*]

*******Revision 06~~~November 30, 2006 *******
removed last stanza

Seasickness
(version 06)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blow out the sun
as rogue wave crest bounds out of sight,
which decks me to the pebbled beach;
and drowns my fancy in fierce fright.

*******Revision 05~~~October 26, 2006 *******
Lines 6 and 12

Seasickness
(version 05)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blow out the sun
as rogue wave crest bounds out of sight,
which decks me to the pebbled beach;
and drowns my fancy in fierce fright.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declares a tale of facts clearly
as a boatswain pipes his whistle
to belay a sea dog whimsy.

~~~~~~Revision 04~~~October 10, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 04)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blow out the sun
when waves rise to outrageous height,
which deck me to the pebbled beach;
and drown my fancy in fierce fright.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declares a tale of facts clearly
as a boatswain pipes his whistle
to belay a foolish whimsy.

~~~~~~Revision 03~~~August 17, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 03)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blew out the sun
when waves rose to outrageous height,
which decked me to the pebbled beach;
and drowned my fantasy in fright.

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blow out the sun
as rogue wave crest bounds out of sight,
which decks me to the pebbled beach;
and drowns my fancy in fierce fright.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declares a tale of facts clearly
as a boatswain pipes his whistle
to belay a sea dog whimsy.

~~~~~~Revision 04~~~October 10, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 04)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blow out the sun
when waves rise to outrageous height,
which deck me to the pebbled beach;
and drown my fancy in fierce fright.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declares a tale of facts clearly
as a boatswain pipes his whistle
to belay a foolish whimsy.

~~~~~~Revision 03~~~August 17, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 03)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blew out the sun
when waves rose to outrageous height,
which decked me to the pebbled beach;
and drowned my fantasy in fright.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declared a tale of facts clearly;
like a clarion wake-up call
as retort to foolish whimsy.

~~~~~~Revision 01~~~August 13, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 01)

I went to the seashore again
to see the lonely surf, to sigh
a silent whim for a Tall Ship
to command and wind to defy.

Then blowing clouds snuffed out the sun,
and wind hatched waves too high to scale.
This frightful sight from deck of sod
did drown my breezy dream to sail.

A wisdom rove upon this gale
in time to cure a fool’s query,
to grant a beyond rainbow wish;
and tell its tale of facts clearly.


I went to the seashore again to see the lonely surf, to sigh a silent whim for a Tall Ship to command and wind to defy. Then blowing clouds snuffed out the sun, and wind hatched waves too high to scale. This frightful sight from deck of sod did drown my breezy dream to sail. A wisdom rove upon this gale in time to cure a fool’s query, to grant a beyond rainbow wish; and tell its tale of facts clearly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~original~~~~~~~~~~~
Seasickness

I went down again to the sea
to see the lonely surf to sigh
with silent whim for a Tall Ship
to command the wind to defy.

Then I saw clouds blow out the sun,
and waves rise to forbidden height,
which dashed my soul to deck of soil,
to squelch my fantasy with fright.


© 2006, D.E. Holmes
22 July

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Cleo and Cathy,

Thanks for entering the fray again. I've since gotten additional remarks from a writer's club. You two and a few at the club are disturbed by the fourth line. The word comply seems to be the irritant. Is this the main irritation for you, Cleo and Cathy?

There is no need for a hope when it is already within a wish for complimentary winds. As explained to another, in open sea the trade winds dominate, but storm winds would not be considered compliant.

First line: I doubt readers will accept walking on sand which later turns to pebbles. The word saunter adds a syllable compared to stand. Is the idea to add motion?

First line: what about standing at rather than on the shore?

Second line: Why use glimpse instead of the alliteration of see? Were you avoiding similar sounding words per your revision of first line of see/sea?

A number of critics have noted that the last stanza is confusing or too complex. What is your take?

Second line, last stanza: What about changing "tale" to "trail?"

What do you think about adding a fourth stanza to say that this is a typical lesson of life?

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Don.

Hi Cleo and Cathy,

Thanks for entering the fray again. I've since gotten additional remarks from a writer's club. You two and a few at the club are disturbed by the fourth line. The word comply seems to be the irritant. Is this the main irritation for you, Cleo and Cathy? There is no need for a hope when it is already within a wish for complimentary winds. As explained to another, in open sea the trade winds dominate, but storm winds would not be considered compliant.

I'm not certain that 'irritant' is the right word Don? I just think there is another word that might work better, such as the one I suggested 'rely' - knowing that the winds will do what they please and the ship may or may not 'comply'. The way I read the line it sounds like the winds are the ones that comply and not the ship.
"to sail in stiff winds that comply."

First line: I doubt readers will accept walking on sand which later turns to pebbles. The word saunter adds a syllable compared to stand. Is the idea to add motion? First line: what about standing at rather than on the shore?

"I stand on the sandy seashore"
Yes and no Don. I was thinking more that the rhythm of this opening line is not as succinct as the rest of the poem. And yes, my suggestion wouldn't add a syllable because I edited seashore to 'shore' and hoped it would add a bit of movement and rhythm to your opening to read:
I saunter on the sandy shore

Second line: Why use glimpse instead of the alliteration of see? Were you avoiding similar sounding words per your revision of first line of see/sea?

Yes, 'see' would add alliteration there and not seem repetitive if you opt for the suggested change in L1 (to delete sea from seashore).

A number of critics have noted that the last stanza is confusing or too complex. What is your take?
A roving wisdom in this squall
declares a tale of facts clearly
as a boatswain pipes his whistle
to belay a sea dog whimsy.

IMHO, I actually like version 1 - it seems less confusing to me:
A wisdom rove upon this gale
in time to cure a fool’s query,
to grant a beyond rainbow wish; (except here I would revise as:
to grant a rainbowed sea dog wish
and tell its tale of facts clearly. (then you would have a pun on the word 'tale' with sea dog).

Second line, last stanza: What about changing "tale" to "trail?"

No, personally, I like tale.

What do you think about adding a fourth stanza to say that this is a typical lesson of life?

Now that would be up to you Don. What would it say?

Cheers
~Cleo