Critiquer of the Month - JULY Noms, Respond by October 30th! Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Calling all writers of the Mosaic!

The time has come to nominate a member who you feel best demonstrated the CRITIQUE in JULY.



Nominate a member here by replying to this tile.

The award:
*Laurel Wreath

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

The details:

• Choose at least TWO posts critiqued by the member you'd like to nominate from the month of JULY. *You can do this by utilizing our 'sort by topic started' OR last post date' and 'descending sort' functions located at the bottom of each forum's page display and then look to make sure the critiques were posted in July as well.
• Post the two examples in this thread.
• Post only the CRITIQUES.
• Make sure your examples are from the month of JULY.
• State the tile's name, author and forum the critique was replied to.
• Eligible forums:
  Herme's Homilies and Seren's Synapse for poetry COM nominations
  Stonehenge and Loch Ness for Prose COM nominations

Nominations will be taken through October 30th, 2006.

Additional note: If more than one member is nominated for the COM award, this tile will serve as a balloting process. We will create a POLL and the members will vote the winner.

Good luck all!
Thank you for helping to build the Mosaic!

~ Mosaic Musings Staff

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I would like to nominate Merlin for July COM.

Psyche's 'The Sign' in Herme's...

Nice sign, Psy.

Your rhyme scheme is known as 'enveloped' rhyme, or other names. It's common enough, and if you were to add a couplet at the end, you'd have a nice sonnet.

I believe the last line is half a beat short, and could use something inserted before the white swan... ie - my/our/your/the/ or a blue swan, which would reestablish the IP.

L3 has the word "dreamt" repeated - unless that's necessary, a substitution for the second could describe the dream. I dimly dreamt of magic nights to come: There will be 100 or more better words to describe them.

You stopped me in my curly shoes with the word "instants" - should that be "instance(s)"?

Lovely.

Merlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``
Cathy's 'Unstoppable Dreams' in Herme's...

Hi Cathy,

A nice quatern – I do like those things since they don’t make the repetition appear too overbearing.

Here’s my input for what it’s worth – as usual, take or leave.

The title – cut it off after Unstoppable Dreams, the rest kills it.

V1, the second clause isn’t agreeable to me. it seems, a chance unrav’ling darkest screams. Firstly, the apostrophe isn’t needed cuz I believe the normal way of pronouncing it is without the “e” anyway. Perhaps some will say, “rav-ell-ing,” but I’d chance it. I’m also not that crazy about chances unraveling darkest screams. I’d suggest a different color for the screams, like silent, soundless, or muted. The entire phrase is cockeyed for me – would suggest rewording to something like (but not this) it seems
a ghost has/d heard my muted screams.

V2L1, I like “toward” to replace “within”, but I know that the American way is to pronounce it as 1 syllable, unlike me who breaks it in 2 – “to-ward”. We’ll accept that. L3, I’d suggest, “enlivened” to replace “enlightening”.

V3 is actually a statement, not a question. “What lives inside are woven dreams
combined of good and bad regimes.” That should be “made up of,” as “combined” needs “with”. At sometime or more often, we all get caught for using fillers and rhyme driven words. After all, we write rhyme & meter, so it’s natural. I’ll call you on “that surely deems” and suggest an alternative –
What lives inside and smolders, breams (verb meaning to singe the bottom of)
my self-esteem to low extremes
into the night, are woven dreams
made up of good and bad regimes.

V4L1, “beseems” is a verb transitive, and cannot stand by itself.

This has been a joy to read and consider. I hope my suggestions don’t spoil it for you.

Merlin