A Wintry Heart-Final Revision, Wizard Award ~ Rondeau #2 Options

[AMETHYST]

These temporary revisions have been stirred by many of your suggestions and guidences. TY!

~~~~~Third Revision ... TY ALL ~~~~~
He died by spring's seductive scent;
gardenia's bloom on redolent
winds, hatchlings peep at skies of blue,
winter's ice turned to morning dew
and dreams that stirred old sentiment.

The damage of his decadent
days, spurred reclusive ways. He spent
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? By spring

the wounds of those, once innocent,
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old aches; he caused a few,
And by the grace of God, renewed...
he died in Spring.




~~~~~Temporary Revision~~~~~

He died by spring's seductive scent;
gardenia's bloom on redolent
winds, fledglings taking flight, skies blue,
winter's ice turned to morning dew
and dreams that stirred old sentiment.

The damage of his decadent
days, spurred reclusive ways. He spent
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? By spring

the wounds of those, once innocent,
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he caused a few,
And by the grace of God, renewed...
he died in Spring.


~~~~~~Original Draft~~~~~~~~~

He died by spring, just as the scent
of gardenia bloom-wafting, sent
fledglings to flight in skies lit blue;
while winter ice turned morning dew
and rainbow rays stirred sentiment.

Depression, selfishness had lent
a hand to his coldness, he spent
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? By spring

the wounds of who were innocent
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he caused a few
And by the grace of God, anew...
he died in Spring.

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Jan 28 07, 14:23

[Merlin]

I'll join in the applause for the 2nd, Liz. Yes, they can become addictive - as jgd Ron sez, they've become his second favorite form, along with the sonnet.

I found the rondeau to be very flexible, from serious to nonesensical. It's a great form to have fun with.

In yours, I'd suggest tossing the "by" into the spring, and going with "in" - because "by" sounds somewhat harsh... you can die by spring, ok. It would also fit all the way down.

Keep 'em commin'.

Merlin

[AMETHYST]

I'll join in the applause for the 2nd, Liz. Yes, they can become addictive - as jgd Ron sez, they've become his second favorite form, along with the sonnet.

I found the rondeau to be very flexible, from serious to nonesensical. It's a great form to have fun with.

In yours, I'd suggest tossing the "by" into the spring, and going with "in" - because "by" sounds somewhat harsh... you can die by spring, ok. It would also fit all the way down.

Keep 'em commin'.

Merlin

Hi Merlin,

Thank you for that encouragement. Yes, these can become very, very addictive. I think I might be following in Ron's footsteps, as the Sonnet is my first favorite form of poetry and can see this becoming a very near second to the sonnet.

I like the versitility of the Rondeau as well. I also thought that mini Rondeau you posted is very interesting and will be trying that as well.

In S1, by is to imply that the change in the surroundings, the sentiments of spring was what caused his death, and the change into S3's refrain is to advise he died in spring. There is so much more work that needs to be done on this to sharpen this idea and will be open to any thoughts that will enhance the intention!

Hugs, Liz ...

I will try to keep these coming... I just need the inspiration! LOL