 LAST LETTER, Wizard Award |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
  Sep 19 06, 12:41
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 11,085 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting  |
 Thank you, everyone, for your invaluable assistance and ideas!! The change is rather big, so I'm open to more crits!!! REVISION LAST LETTER A groom unnerved, wondering whether his bride will show up at church… expectant Dad pacing corridors, waiting for Baby to be born… committing a murder, accepting God’s salvation of his soul is improbable… a grown man’s hope that dawn will dispel night terror… in Death Row, anticipating the governor’s reprieve on the eve of execution… Unforgiving, time has revealed certainty: I know you’ve penned me …your last letter. By Psyche Copyright: Sylvia Maclagan, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2006. THE LETTER It’s like a groom sweating before his bride shows up at church. It’s like anticipating the governor’s reprieve on the eve of execution. It’s like committing a wrong, praying for God’s salvation of your soul. It’s like striding up and down, waiting for a baby to be born. It’s like a grown man’s hope that dawn will dispel night’s terrors. It’s the love letter you’ll never send me… By Psyche Copyright:Sylvia Maclagan, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2006. ·······  ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner              |
  
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Oct 5 06, 11:19
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#2
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Hi Sylvia,
I cannot believe this slipped by me and I hadn't gotten the early opportunity to review it. Loved the title. The individual snap shots of images are each a story within themselves. What I also found quite profound in your make up of this poem was the link between one to the next image... I haven't been able to read through all the other critiques and will be focusing on the revision, so forgive me if I repeat what others say or miss a meaning that was explained, as I haven't read through replies either...  Here goes... Hugs, Liz QUOTE LAST LETTER GREAT TITLE! A groom unnerved, wondering whether his bride will show at church… Dad pacing corridors, waiting for baby to be born… S1L2: I like the alliteration between wondering/whether, however-I keep feeling that whether might need that follow through of 'or not' ... I think it just may be a personal thought. The first stanza, is excellent lead in, especially to reflect inner conflict of the title. "Last Letter" ... L3 of S1, blends well to introduce the next stanza... church links my mind to birth and purity and wonder of Godly things, as a father waiting the coming of his new born... While ... (let's go to the next stanza... come on, follow along! LOL) committing a murder, knowing God’s salvation of your soul is improbable… The ending of S2, birth...being born, then leads to death, and linking God from both church of S1, birth and goodness in S2, to salvation ... I wasn't too keen on the word 'knowing' perhaps... accepting ... The word 'improbable' then links to the next stanza, like a domino effect... "where the man links this man with the improbability of hope that what they fear will not disappear. a grown man’s hope that dawn will dispel night terror… in Death Row, anticipating the governor’s reprieve on the eve of execution… The connect again between 'night terror' / and the image of a death row inmate waithing their execution the night before is profound. Well Done Sylvia... Well done. Also, strong alliteration, blends well, not forced for the rhyme, off the tongue natural and smooth. Irrevocably, I know for certain you’ve penned me …your last letter. The waiting of the reprieve/links to the word irrevocably with a very powerful connection to my mind... and the confidence of the narrator comes to link with the inmate. How life's events domino from one stimulating the next and cause and effect of a process and how things ripple in our lives.. EXCELLENT POEM! By Psyche I hope I interpreted this near your intent. I found the duality of each stanza, linking each other a very powerful technique done quite well. Hugs, Liz ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
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Oct 10 06, 12:57
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 11,085 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Liz!
 I'm very glad you've dropped by, never mind the exact moment. I believe the links between one stanza to another were improved with Tim's help, way back...  Now let's see what you suggest...  QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Oct 5 06, 18:19 ) [snapback]84598[/snapback] Hi Sylvia,
I cannot believe this slipped by me and I hadn't gotten the early opportunity to review it. Loved the title. The individual snap shots of images are each a story within themselves. What I also found quite profound in your make up of this poem was the link between one to the next image... I haven't been able to read through all the other critiques and will be focusing on the revision, so forgive me if I repeat what others say or miss a meaning that was explained, as I haven't read through replies either... Here goes... Hugs, Liz QUOTE LAST LETTER GREAT TITLE! A groom unnerved, wondering whether his bride will show at church… Dad pacing corridors, waiting for baby to be born… S1L2: I like the alliteration between wondering/whether, however-I keep feeling that whether might need that follow through of 'or not' ... [b] I believe I did have "show up" included in one version, then dropped it...I agree with you and will revise again. I think it just may be a personal thought. The first stanza, is excellent lead in, especially to reflect inner conflict of the title. "Last Letter" ... Glad you like the title! L3 of S1, blends well to introduce the next stanza... church links my mind to birth and purity and wonder of Godly things, as a father waiting the coming of his new born... Thank you, Liz.[/b]While ... (let's go to the next stanza... come on, follow along! LOL) committing a murder, knowing God’s salvation of your soul is improbable… The ending of S2, birth...being born, then leads to death, and linking God from both church of S1, birth and goodness in S2, to salvation ... I wasn't too keen on the word 'knowing' perhaps... accepting ... [b]Yes, I accept "accepting" LOL. Good idea. The word 'improbable' then links to the next stanza, like a domino effect... "where the man links this man with the improbability of hope that what they fear will not disappear. [/b] Yes, that's my intention, Liz. a grown man’s hope that dawn will dispel night terror… in Death Row, anticipating the governor’s reprieve on the eve of execution… The connect again between 'night terror' / and the image of a death row inmate waithing their execution the night before is profound. Well Done Sylvia... Well done. Also, strong alliteration, blends well, not forced for the rhyme, off the tongue natural and smooth. Again, thank you. Irrevocably, I know for certain you’ve penned me …your last letter. The waiting of the reprieve/links to the word irrevocably with a very powerful connection to my mind... and the confidence of the narrator comes to link with the inmate. How life's events domino from one stimulating the next and cause and effect of a process and how things ripple in our lives.. EXCELLENT POEM! By Psyche I hope I interpreted this near your intent. I found the duality of each stanza, linking each other a very powerful technique done quite well. Hugs, Liz Yes, your interpretation is quite correct. Thank you so much for taking all this trouble, your comments are always to the point and highly appreciated. Hugs, Sylvia  ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Posts in this topic
Psyche LAST LETTER Sep 19 06, 12:41 
Peggy Carpenter Harwood Hi Psyche,
I'm not good at critiquing free ve... Sep 19 06, 14:13 
Psyche QUOTE (Peggy Carpenter Harwood @ Sep 19 06, 2... Sep 19 06, 17:12 Cyn Ah Sylvia
Such a feeling write
I love the sentime... Sep 19 06, 16:39 Psyche Hi Cyn !
You know, thanks to your suggestion, ... Sep 19 06, 17:16 Cathy Hi Sylvia!
Cyn's suggestions for the firs... Sep 19 06, 18:45 Psyche Hi Cathy!
Wonderful suggestions, thank you... Sep 20 06, 14:25 Gregory Sylvia, I agree with your previous posts about the... Sep 20 06, 05:09 Psyche Hi Gregory !
Yes, the modifications sound ... Sep 20 06, 14:28 azurepoetry Hi Sylvia,
i love Cathy's trimming of your pi... Sep 20 06, 09:43 Psyche Hi Tim !
I'll confess to you, and you ... Sep 20 06, 14:39 azurepoetry Sylvia,
No, no. i meant my rearraingment was corn... Sep 20 06, 14:41 Psyche QUOTE (azurepoetry @ Sep 20 06, 21:41 ) 8... Sep 20 06, 14:47 azurepoetry Sylvia,
Sorry, i responded so quickly to your com... Sep 20 06, 14:49 Psyche Great, Tim! Asking questions is the best way t... Sep 20 06, 15:20 azurepoetry Sylvia,
It's not necessary to have cohesion a... Sep 20 06, 16:16 Psyche QUOTE (azurepoetry @ Sep 20 06, 23:16 ) 8... Sep 24 06, 10:49 ohsteve Sylvia.. I have read this piece now four times, an... Sep 21 06, 12:46 Psyche QUOTE (ohsteve @ Sep 21 06, 19:46 ) 83806... Sep 24 06, 10:45 Cleo_Serapis Hi Sylvia.
Apologies if I repeat anything as I ha... Sep 24 06, 12:06 Psyche QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Sep 24 06, 19:06 ) ... Sep 24 06, 13:16 Psyche Hi Cleo, Tim, Steve, Cathy, Peggy and everyone who... Sep 26 06, 10:21 Cathy Hi Sylvia,
At first I wasn't sure if I liked ... Oct 4 06, 09:24 Psyche QUOTE (Cathy @ Oct 4 06, 16:24 ) 84504Hi ... Oct 4 06, 10:49 JustDaniel I've read this over and over, and then read ot... Oct 4 06, 11:37 Psyche Hey Daniel!
You've made me laugh outri... Oct 4 06, 12:34 JustDaniel Hey, Sylvia!
Don't even be thinkin' o... Oct 4 06, 13:14 Psyche Right, Daniel, I get your point... There will b... Oct 4 06, 18:03 Cleo_Serapis Hi Sylvia.
I really find your revised ending:
... Oct 4 06, 18:58 Psyche Oh, Cleo, I'm so relieved you like the revisio... Oct 10 06, 12:40 Cyn well Syl
I may be the lone dissenter
See all the ... Oct 5 06, 13:30 Psyche Thank goodness for dissenters, Cyn! Without yo... Oct 10 06, 13:05 jgdittier Dear Psyche,
I'm only exploring, but this, my ... Oct 10 06, 09:27 Psyche QUOTE (jgdittier @ Oct 10 06, 16:27 ) 848... Oct 10 06, 13:00 Psyche Thank you all for your help with this difficult on... Oct 12 06, 09:43 Cleo_Serapis Congrats Sylvia on your wizard award winning tile!... Jan 28 07, 16:13 Cathy Congratulations on your Wizard Award Sylvia!
... Jan 28 07, 19:18 Psyche Hi Cleo & Cathy!
Ooooooooo, what an un... Jan 29 07, 12:35 azurepoetry Hey there Sylvia,
A belated congrats on your awar... Mar 4 07, 00:54 Siren Hey Sylvia,
Congrats on the award. Really a deser... Mar 4 07, 11:06 Psyche Hi Dani & Tim!
Thanks so much for your co... Mar 7 07, 13:58 AMETHYST Congrats Sylvia ...
This is nearing it's high po... Mar 8 07, 01:15 132 User(s) are reading this topic (132 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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