LAST LETTER - Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews

LAST LETTER, Wizard Award

Psyche View Member Profile Find Member's Posts	Sep 19 06, 12:41 Post #1
Ornate Oracle Group: Praetorian Posts: 11,085 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting	Thank you, everyone, for your invaluable assistance and ideas!! The change is rather big, so I'm open to more crits!!! REVISION LAST LETTER A groom unnerved, wondering whether his bride will show up at church… expectant Dad pacing corridors, waiting for Baby to be born… committing a murder, accepting God’s salvation of his soul is improbable… a grown man’s hope that dawn will dispel night terror… in Death Row, anticipating the governor’s reprieve on the eve of execution… Unforgiving, time has revealed certainty: I know you’ve penned me …your last letter. By Psyche Copyright: Sylvia Maclagan, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2006. THE LETTER It’s like a groom sweating before his bride shows up at church. It’s like anticipating the governor’s reprieve on the eve of execution. It’s like committing a wrong, praying for God’s salvation of your soul. It’s like striding up and down, waiting for a baby to be born. It’s like a grown man’s hope that dawn will dispel night’s terrors. It’s the love letter you’ll never send me… By Psyche Copyright:Sylvia Maclagan, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2006. ·············· Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner

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JustDaniel View Member Profile Find Member's Posts	Oct 4 06, 11:37 Post #2
Ornate Oracle Group: Gold Member Posts: 20,858 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori	I've read this over and over, and then read others' comments and suggestions. Again I come to my own internal frustration with the enormity of the possibilities open for the revision of almost any piece of free verse... and I'm reminded of Frost's comment something to the effect that he would no more write in free verse (I think, as others conceived it) than play tennis with the net down. So I'm just gonna throw caution to the wind and jump onto the court and start makin' some raquet. K? [ Remember, I'm just practicin', o' course! ] QUOTE (Psyche @ Sep 19 06, 13:41 ) [snapback]83690[/snapback] LAST LETTER Missing Let er [ I like your title, but remember, I'm jest makin' a raquet! I've never won a tennis title, but I've learned how important they are to some bystanders. ] A groom unnerved, wondering whether his bride will show at church… Like a groom, unnerved at the front of the church, Is she gonna show?... Dad pacing corridors, waiting for baby to be born… a new dad pacing ER corridors... committing a murder, knowing God’s salvation of your soul is improbable… a murderer with gnawing doubt of God's forgiveness... a grown man’s hope that dawn will dispel night terror… a grown man in night terror, wondering if dawn might dispel it... in Death Row, anticipating the governor’s reprieve on the eve of execution… a death row inmate watching midnight approach staring at a silent phone... Irrevocably, I know for certain you’ve penned me …your last letter. ... is your love letter lost in the male. Note, of course, that I've jest been knockin' the bawl around, but the main thing I was attempting to do with your excellent thoughts was to find a way to place them in parallel speech, such that each of them could grammatically begin with: My waiting for your letter is like... Lightly puttin' my racket in my bag, walkin' away from the courtier, Daniel ·············· Slow down; things will go faster! MM Award Winner

Psyche View Member Profile Find Member's Posts	Oct 4 06, 12:34 Post #3
Ornate Oracle Group: Praetorian Posts: 11,085 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting	Hey Daniel! You've made me laugh outright, which is the best solution when watching rotten tennis players like yours truly... Really, you've practically re-written my poem, but in a humorous fashion, so perhaps I better use your parallel version to get some grins on solemn faces in this forum. Is one allowed to post parallel revisions?! I'm in a real stew, now, Daniel, in fact I'm on my way to dumping this whole poem, as I said at the beginning, to Tim's alarm!! It was written many years ago, at the dawn of time (my time...). So I'll do some hmmmm... & mmmmm... over your amusing changes, and try to come up with something that's still mine...haha... Thanks so much for shedding light on dark, dank death rows.... Cheers, Syl PS: Love your title "Missing Let er".... QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Oct 4 06, 18:37 ) [snapback]84512[/snapback] I've read this over and over, and then read others' comments and suggestions. Again I come to my own internal frustration with the enormity of the possibilities open for the revision of almost any piece of free verse... and I'm reminded of Frost's comment something to the effect that he would no more write in free verse (I think, as others conceived it) than play tennis with the net down. So I'm just gonna throw caution to the wind and jump onto the court and start makin' some raquet. K? [ Remember, I'm just practicin', o' course! ] QUOTE (Psyche @ Sep 19 06, 13:41 ) [snapback]83690[/snapback] LAST LETTER Missing Let er [ I like your title, but remember, I'm jest makin' a raquet! I've never won a tennis title, but I've learned how important they are to some bystanders. ] A groom unnerved, wondering whether his bride will show at church… Like a groom, unnerved at the front of the church, Is she gonna show?... Dad pacing corridors, waiting for baby to be born… a new dad pacing ER corridors... committing a murder, knowing God’s salvation of your soul is improbable… a murderer with gnawing doubt of God's forgiveness... a grown man’s hope that dawn will dispel night terror… a grown man in night terror, wondering if dawn might dispel it... in Death Row, anticipating the governor’s reprieve on the eve of execution… a death row inmate watching midnight approach staring at a silent phone... Irrevocably, I know for certain you’ve penned me …your last letter. ... is your love letter lost in the male. Note, of course, that I've jest been knockin' the bawl around, but the main thing I was attempting to do with your excellent thoughts was to find a way to place them in parallel speech, such that each of them could grammatically begin with: My waiting for your letter is like... Lightly puttin' my racket in my bag, walkin' away from the courtier, Daniel ·············· Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner

JustDaniel View Member Profile Find Member's Posts	Oct 4 06, 13:14 Post #4
Ornate Oracle Group: Gold Member Posts: 20,858 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori	Hey, Sylvia! Don't even be thinkin' o' tossin' this little gem! You have a great idea there. I know I threw a wry bit o' (serious) humor in at the end, but that was just me practicin' FV. I just wanted you to visually see your ideas slightly differently, taking note of 1) parallel speech, 2) brevity, 3) word-picture in place of description... all wherever possible without losing your ideas. Now just run your own words through your own head with those thoughts and other poetic devices in mind, and you'll have a sparkler here! One note: I think the closing of your revision has FAR LESS BITE than the original, so I was merely nudging you back in that DIRECTION. Please don't forget that I'm a novice in FV, but I'm doin' my level best. I know that your time on the boards is severly limited, but when ya can, I'd love your input on my latest attempt. It's a bit of a frosty mug. deLightin' in the journey, Daniel ·············· Slow down; things will go faster! MM Award Winner

Posts in this topic

Psyche LAST LETTER Sep 19 06, 12:41

Peggy Carpenter Harwood Hi Psyche, I'm not good at critiquing free ve... Sep 19 06, 14:13

Psyche QUOTE (Peggy Carpenter Harwood @ Sep 19 06, 2... Sep 19 06, 17:12

Cyn Ah Sylvia Such a feeling write I love the sentime... Sep 19 06, 16:39

Psyche Hi Cyn ! You know, thanks to your suggestion, ... Sep 19 06, 17:16

Cathy Hi Sylvia! Cyn's suggestions for the firs... Sep 19 06, 18:45

Psyche Hi Cathy! Wonderful suggestions, thank you... Sep 20 06, 14:25

Gregory Sylvia, I agree with your previous posts about the... Sep 20 06, 05:09

Psyche Hi Gregory ! Yes, the modifications sound ... Sep 20 06, 14:28

azurepoetry Hi Sylvia, i love Cathy's trimming of your pi... Sep 20 06, 09:43

Psyche Hi Tim ! I'll confess to you, and you ... Sep 20 06, 14:39

azurepoetry Sylvia, No, no. i meant my rearraingment was corn... Sep 20 06, 14:41

Psyche QUOTE (azurepoetry @ Sep 20 06, 21:41 ) 8... Sep 20 06, 14:47

azurepoetry Sylvia, Sorry, i responded so quickly to your com... Sep 20 06, 14:49

Psyche Great, Tim! Asking questions is the best way t... Sep 20 06, 15:20

azurepoetry Sylvia, It's not necessary to have cohesion a... Sep 20 06, 16:16

Psyche QUOTE (azurepoetry @ Sep 20 06, 23:16 ) 8... Sep 24 06, 10:49

ohsteve Sylvia.. I have read this piece now four times, an... Sep 21 06, 12:46

Psyche QUOTE (ohsteve @ Sep 21 06, 19:46 ) 83806... Sep 24 06, 10:45

Cleo_Serapis Hi Sylvia. Apologies if I repeat anything as I ha... Sep 24 06, 12:06

Psyche QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Sep 24 06, 19:06 ) ... Sep 24 06, 13:16

Psyche Hi Cleo, Tim, Steve, Cathy, Peggy and everyone who... Sep 26 06, 10:21

Cathy Hi Sylvia, At first I wasn't sure if I liked ... Oct 4 06, 09:24

Psyche QUOTE (Cathy @ Oct 4 06, 16:24 ) 84504Hi ... Oct 4 06, 10:49

JustDaniel I've read this over and over, and then read ot... Oct 4 06, 11:37

Psyche Hey Daniel! You've made me laugh outri... Oct 4 06, 12:34

JustDaniel Hey, Sylvia! Don't even be thinkin' o... Oct 4 06, 13:14

Psyche Right, Daniel, I get your point... There will b... Oct 4 06, 18:03

Cleo_Serapis Hi Sylvia. I really find your revised ending: ... Oct 4 06, 18:58

Psyche Oh, Cleo, I'm so relieved you like the revisio... Oct 10 06, 12:40

AMETHYST Hi Sylvia, I cannot believe this slipped by me a... Oct 5 06, 11:19

Psyche Hi Liz! I'm very glad you've dropp... Oct 10 06, 12:57

Cyn well Syl I may be the lone dissenter See all the ... Oct 5 06, 13:30

Psyche Thank goodness for dissenters, Cyn! Without yo... Oct 10 06, 13:05

jgdittier Dear Psyche, I'm only exploring, but this, my ... Oct 10 06, 09:27

Psyche QUOTE (jgdittier @ Oct 10 06, 16:27 ) 848... Oct 10 06, 13:00

Psyche Thank you all for your help with this difficult on... Oct 12 06, 09:43

Cleo_Serapis Congrats Sylvia on your wizard award winning tile!... Jan 28 07, 16:13

Cathy Congratulations on your Wizard Award Sylvia! ... Jan 28 07, 19:18

Psyche Hi Cleo & Cathy! Ooooooooo, what an un... Jan 29 07, 12:35

azurepoetry Hey there Sylvia, A belated congrats on your awar... Mar 4 07, 00:54

Siren Hey Sylvia, Congrats on the award. Really a deser... Mar 4 07, 11:06

Psyche Hi Dani & Tim! Thanks so much for your co... Mar 7 07, 13:58

AMETHYST Congrats Sylvia ... This is nearing it's high po... Mar 8 07, 01:15