LAST LETTER, Wizard Award Options

[Psyche]

Thank you, everyone, for your invaluable assistance and ideas!!
The change is rather big, so I'm open to more crits!!!


REVISION


LAST LETTER

A groom unnerved,
wondering whether his bride will show up
at church…

expectant Dad pacing corridors,
waiting for Baby
to be born…

committing a murder,
accepting God’s salvation of his soul
is improbable…

a grown man’s hope
that dawn will dispel
night terror…

in Death Row,
anticipating the governor’s reprieve
on the eve of execution…

Unforgiving,
time has revealed certainty:
I know you’ve penned me
…your last letter.

By Psyche

Copyright: Sylvia Maclagan, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2006.



THE LETTER

It’s like
a groom sweating
before his bride shows up
at church.

It’s like
anticipating the governor’s reprieve
on the eve
of execution.

It’s like
committing a wrong,
praying for God’s salvation
of your soul.

It’s like
striding up and down,
waiting for a baby
to be born.

It’s like
a grown man’s hope
that dawn will dispel
night’s terrors.

It’s the love letter
you’ll never send me…

By Psyche

Copyright:Sylvia Maclagan, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2006.

[azurepoetry]

Hi Sylvia,

i love Cathy's trimming of your piece. i think it's universal that the first line could use some cutting. Gregory is also spot-on about dropping love out of it to let the 'suggestion' come through. i would go one step farther. Consider moving your current S4 (about pacing for a baby) into the position of S2. This would allow the images that have been strengthened in their link, through Cathy, to follow a timeline of events. 1. aniticapation of marriage, 2. anticiapation of child birth, 3. anticipating salvation 4.night terrors, 5. anticipation of reprieve, 6. waiting for letter.
Salvation goes straight into the (love) letter. It would read like this, keep in mind i think night's terror should be night terror (it would still allude to prison, but the actual phrase indicative of mental disorder/illiness is night terror.

Like a groom sweating
before his bride shows up
at church...

pacing up and down,
waiting for a baby
to be born...

committing a wrong,
praying for God's salvation
of a soul...

a grown man's hope
that dawn will dispel
night terrors...

anticipation
of the governor's reprieve
on the eve...

of executing
a letter
you'll never send me...

This may be a bit too corny. i went for unifying three lines in each stanza. i also liked the idea of the guy looking forward to seeing the dawn, and then given the idea of being on deathrow to add meaning to the previous stanza. This set up allows the assonance, reprieve, eve and me. This is jmo, so please use or lose.

~tim/azurepoetry

[Psyche]

Hi Tim !

I'll confess to you, and you only, that this piece is something I fished out of a box, something I scribbled when I was SO young...haha... I seem to remember that I was feeling lovelorn at the time, not really sure.

Your word "corny" hit hard, I believe the whole poem sounds corny. Do you think it can be salvaged?

I've noted your modifications and will study the whole package, thank you! I don't understand the last strophe, where you suggest
"executing a letter you'll never send me"....?

Do you mean that I'll write the letter to myself, since evidently the guy isn't going to? Or is it metaphorical, meaning that I'll cut the whole idea out of my mind, for ever, sort of kill it?

Interesting, will mull over all this, if I don't throw the whole poem into the dustbin...

Sylvia

Hi Sylvia,

i love Cathy's trimming of your piece. i think it's universal that the first line could use some cutting. Gregory is also spot-on about dropping love out of it to let the 'suggestion' come through. i would go one step farther. Consider moving your current S4 (about pacing for a baby) into the position of S2. This would allow the images that have been strengthened in their link, through Cathy, to follow a timeline of events. 1. aniticapation of marriage, 2. anticiapation of child birth, 3. anticipating salvation 4.night terrors, 5. anticipation of reprieve, 6. waiting for letter.
Salvation goes straight into the (love) letter. It would read like this, keep in mind i think night's terror should be night terror (it would still allude to prison, but the actual phrase indicative of mental disorder/illiness is night terror.

Like a groom sweating
before his bride shows up
at church...

pacing up and down,
waiting for a baby
to be born...

committing a wrong,
praying for God's salvation
of a soul...

a grown man's hope
that dawn will dispel
night terrors...

anticipation
of the governor's reprieve
on the eve...

of executing
a letter
you'll never send me...

This may be a bit too corny. i went for unifying three lines in each stanza. i also liked the idea of the guy looking forward to seeing the dawn, and then given the idea of being on deathrow to add meaning to the previous stanza. This set up allows the assonance, reprieve, eve and me. This is jmo, so please use or lose.

~tim/azurepoetry