Critiquer of the Month, June Noms, Cast your nom by August 26th Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Calling all writers of the Mosaic!

We've fallen behind again with these monthly nominations - so sorry all! If anyone would like me to go back and do one for March, April and May, please DO let me know.


The time has come to nominate a member who you feel best demonstrated the CRITIQUE in JUNE.



Nominate a member here by replying to this tile.

The award:
*Laurel Wreath

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

The details:

• Choose at least TWO posts critiqued by the member you'd like to nominate from the month of JUNE. *You can do this by utilizing our 'sort by topic started' OR last post date' and 'descending sort' functions located at the bottom of each forum's page display and then look to make sure the critique replies were made in June as well.
• Post the two examples in this thread.
• Post only the CRITIQUES.
• Make sure your examples are from the month of JUNE.
• State the tile's name, author and forum the critique was replied to.
• Eligible forums:
  Herme's Homilies and Seren's Synapse for poetry COM nominations
  Stonehenge and Loch Ness for Prose COM nominations

Nominations will be taken through August 26th, 2006.

Additional note: If more than one member is nominated for the COM award, this tile will serve as a balloting process. We will create a POLL and the members will vote the winner.

Good luck all!
Thank you for helping to build the Mosaic!

~ Mosaic Musings Staff

[Cleo_Serapis]

As promised, here are two critiques that Liz offered in June:

To ArtesiaMeeks "Manual Exchanges Funless" on June 26th:

Hello Carol,

Every poem is written for an special audience. The information that you've provided in your reply is perfect to allow those who are not familiar with this procedure to take in the fullness of the poem. Keeping your inoformation in mind, I think much of this works well.
First, let me say I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers. I know such daily procedures are emotionally overwhelming and mentally exhausting. It takes a strong support system to keep spirits up and positive. You sound, from your poetry to be taking the bull by the horn and handling things in a positive way. I admire that.

I think the form you've chosen for this is perfect. As you've mentioned the many times daily this needs to be done, the repetition of the final line, emphasizes the repetition.

Some other thoughts, pertaining to the poetry within the poem... Over all once I got a glimspse of what meanings certain words and images offered I felt this poem worked well.
The only thing I wanted to point out of the tone of voice--it sounded a little mechanical. I am not sure if A. This is your style of writing/speaking, B. it is to emphaszie on the mechanis of the machine and process or c. it was to meet the requirements of the poem in meter.

So let's see if we cannot offer something helpful. Please use anything that is useful, otherwise, disregard the rest.

Best Regards, Liz

A Roswell trip to clinic site
and training course with nurses’ byte
who teaches us, prevent a risk,
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

In S1, L1.. is a perfect example of what I was meaning by mechanical. If that is what you were going for, than this is a great opening stanza. If you wanted a little more personal toen, something more natural to voice, than maybe you would consider switching some words..
L1, "A trip to Rosewell clinic site
to train a course with nurse' byte,
who'll teach us to prevent such risk,


Why did his kidneys fall asleep?
His road to health is long and steep.
He works, round track, with walks that’s brisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.


Great opening line. Shows the expected confusion of an unexpected turn in the life of illness. Straight to the point. Honest and is followed yet, by another strong line.
I was a little unsure of L3, perhaps because I am not sure if this refers to the field of employment or if this is another regference to a medical term I am not familiar with.

A higher power holds our hands.
He gives us strength. He understands
the pain we feel without life’s frisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

Great stanza. I like the show of faith and support it paints for the reader. It relates to anyone who is or has gone through any life changing , point in there roads.
Not a single nit here.

His renal glands are shutting down
but nurse removes his doubt and frown.
New chance for life like tennis bisque,
we mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc. I must say, I didn't think the bisque works. It had two downfalls for me, first it sounded too rhyme driven and scond, in light of the seriousness of the subject, it was too frivilous. However, I am not too up on tennis, so it might be a meaning that fits and I just didn't get it..

To Peterpan's "Just a Little Girl" on June 28th:

Hi Bev,

A very powerful poem. Aggressively presented to bring the reader a full emotional understanding of the plight, using detailed descriptions and emotional realities that we are not privvy to in our daily lives.

I have some minor suggestions or thoughts to offer. I hope something I leave is helpful...

Hugs, Liz

Just A Little Girl

At first I wasn't too taken by the title, but after reading through the poem a few times, I cannot imagine it being anything else. It seems to provide that KICK/PUNCH to the reader that this heartaching imagery is just a little girl. I did feel that it would make a great difference if the title wasn't repeated thorugh out.

Frightened, quivering, sweating.
Skin tight over bones;
pregnant with famine;
just a little girl.

Suggest omitting sweating.
L2/L3... Absolutely excellent descriptive lines. "Pregnant with famine" strong, forceful image.

Eyes fixed, wide holes,
heart calm, slow;
body cradled by dirt;
just a little girl.

L1, 'wide holes' didn't do it for me...
I keep imagining a sunken, dark circles... I would also suggest
switching eyes fixed with wide holes. Perhaps ...

Wide and sunken; eyes fixed, ...

Bones swaddled with dust.
Brown leaves gust, settle.
Nobody cares.
Just a little girl.

Again, I would suggest omitting all the ending lines from each stanza, and this final stanza would be more powerful when connected with the title, and ending with 'Nobody Cares" ... Perhaps, even adding 'nobody notices' Which to my mind is much more profound than nobody cares, because I think if we all took the time to notice, others would care.... but the twist in using the word 'notices' is how can one NOT NOTICE a starving, neglected, discarded and abused, unhealthy child and not do something about it. ... That is just me... The word 'notices' would add so much more depth to the images that surround it.