Soul Bouquet (Revised 27 Aug), Quatern & new title Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Some of you will remember this tribute poem to a dear friend of ours who passed away last year (hard to believe it's been almost a year).

Putting those tears aside, I am hoping to polish this poem as a tribute to those who move to another place.
Your comments are appreciated.

Revision 1 - thanks everyone

Soul Bouquet

I’m saddened that you went away
to travel unknown paths to where
no more a puzzle: heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.

Instead of being mad at Him -
I’m saddened that you went away
through valleys steeped in God’s own trim;
you’ve left this life a soul bouquet.

When I go limping through the days
with thoughts of you, I’ll shed a tear…
I’m saddened that you went away,
foundations forged with loving care.

The contours of your gentle smile,
the mounds of things I’d hoped to say.
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened that you went away.

Copyright © 2006 Lorraine M Kanter


On Your Way (Original)

I’m saddened you went on your way
to travel to a dwelling where
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.

Instead of being mad at Him -
I’m saddened you went on your way,
through valleys steeped in divine trim;
you’ve left these woods a soul bouquet.

When I go limping through the days
with thoughts of you, I’ll shed a tear…
I’m saddened you went on your way,
foundations forged with tender prayer.

The contours of your gentle smile.
The mounds of things I’d hope to say.
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened you went on your way.

Copyright © 2006 Lorraine M Kanter

[AMETHYST]

Hi Lori,

I've skimmed this a few times, reading it and feeling so lost with myself without Larry that I find nothing but love and beauty in the words. However, I am going to give a try at finding some feedback detached from the emotions I feel when reading it.

On Your Way

This title is so fitting.

I’m saddened you went on your way
to travel to a dwelling where
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.
I agree with Nina that L2, can be improved. I'm not sure if it is the word 'dwelling' or if it the lead in to the ending part of the line. I want to say 'to travel t'ward a dwelling where
and into L3, I keep wanting to say there are no more puzzles, will think on how to say it in keeping with your meter and line of thought. The meaning of your first stanza is quite forceful and I like that it starts with the narrators loss, but reflects that the subject is going to a place of comfort and will not be alone.



Instead of being mad at Him -
I’m saddened you went on your way,
through valleys steeped in divine trim;
you’ve left these woods a soul bouquet.

LOVE this stanza. Especially the final line. L1, is profound and is fitting with the capital on Him to show the narrator speaking of God, or higher powers that have control of our destinies. I liked this very much.

When I go limping through the days
with thoughts of you, I’ll shed a tear…
I’m saddened you went on your way,
foundations forged with tender prayer.

L4, I felt stumbles a bit, although I cannot pin point what. I think I feel uncomfortable with 'foundations forged' I feel that it is for alliterative purposes. Again, I will return with some suggestions or avenues to consider.
I felt lines 1-3 are very indepth and smooth. Good rhymes thoughtout.


The contours of your gentle smile.
The mounds of things I’d hope to say.
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened you went on your way.

APPLAUDABLE ENDING STANZA. Not a word out of place. It brings tears just to read this again... truly heartbreaking to read.

Copyright © 2006 Lorraine M Kanter

Hugs, Liz

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Liz.

Thank you so much. I miss Larry still very much - his wit, jokes and guidance with site matters and personal matters too - he was wise in a serious and comedic sense. Glad to see your crit!

Hi Lori,

I've skimmed this a few times, reading it and feeling so lost with myself without Larry that I find nothing but love and beauty in the words. However, I am going to give a try at finding some feedback detached from the emotions I feel when reading it.

On Your Way

This title is so fitting.

I’m saddened you went on your way
to travel to a dwelling where
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.
I agree with Nina that L2, can be improved. I'm not sure if it is the word 'dwelling' or if it the lead in to the ending part of the line. I want to say 'to travel t'ward a dwelling where
and into L3, I keep wanting to say there are no more puzzles, will think on how to say it in keeping with your meter and line of thought. The meaning of your first stanza is quite forceful and I like that it starts with the narrators loss, but reflects that the subject is going to a place of comfort and will not be alone.

I think it' both that trip some: dwelling doesn't have the accent in the right place but Ithink your suggestion of changing 'to a' to 'toward' might help and to end with 'where' is not my norm but I think it works. Yes, I wanted to illustrate that while the narrator is overwhelmed by the loss (s)he knows her loved one is in a happier place.

Instead of being mad at Him -
I’m saddened you went on your way,
through valleys steeped in divine trim;
you’ve left these woods a soul bouquet.

LOVE this stanza. Especially the final line. L1, is profound and is fitting with the capital on Him to show the narrator speaking of God, or higher powers that have control of our destinies. I liked this very much.

Thank you! That was my intention in S2 - linking Faith/God to the loss.

When I go limping through the days
with thoughts of you, I’ll shed a tear…
I’m saddened you went on your way,
foundations forged with tender prayer.

L4, I felt stumbles a bit, although I cannot pin point what. I think I feel uncomfortable with 'foundations forged' I feel that it is for alliterative purposes. Again, I will return with some suggestions or avenues to consider.
I felt lines 1-3 are very indepth and smooth. Good rhymes thoughtout.

I look forward to your suggestions then for L4 here.

The contours of your gentle smile.
The mounds of things I’d hope to say.
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened you went on your way.

[b] APPLAUDABLE ENDING STANZA. Not a word out of place. It brings tears just to read this again... truly heartbreaking to read.

Hugs, Liz

Thanks so much Liz!

~Cleo