Seasickness, Wizard Award ~ 06 Revision, 30 Nov 06 Options

[Guest_Don_*]

*******Revision 06~~~November 30, 2006 *******
removed last stanza

Seasickness
(version 06)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blow out the sun
as rogue wave crest bounds out of sight,
which decks me to the pebbled beach;
and drowns my fancy in fierce fright.

*******Revision 05~~~October 26, 2006 *******
Lines 6 and 12

Seasickness
(version 05)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blow out the sun
as rogue wave crest bounds out of sight,
which decks me to the pebbled beach;
and drowns my fancy in fierce fright.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declares a tale of facts clearly
as a boatswain pipes his whistle
to belay a sea dog whimsy.

~~~~~~Revision 04~~~October 10, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 04)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blow out the sun
when waves rise to outrageous height,
which deck me to the pebbled beach;
and drown my fancy in fierce fright.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declares a tale of facts clearly
as a boatswain pipes his whistle
to belay a foolish whimsy.

~~~~~~Revision 03~~~August 17, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 03)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blew out the sun
when waves rose to outrageous height,
which decked me to the pebbled beach;
and drowned my fantasy in fright.

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blow out the sun
as rogue wave crest bounds out of sight,
which decks me to the pebbled beach;
and drowns my fancy in fierce fright.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declares a tale of facts clearly
as a boatswain pipes his whistle
to belay a sea dog whimsy.

~~~~~~Revision 04~~~October 10, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 04)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blow out the sun
when waves rise to outrageous height,
which deck me to the pebbled beach;
and drown my fancy in fierce fright.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declares a tale of facts clearly
as a boatswain pipes his whistle
to belay a foolish whimsy.

~~~~~~Revision 03~~~August 17, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 03)

I stand on the sandy seashore
to see the lonely surf and sigh
a silent wish for one Tall Ship
to sail in stiff winds that comply.

Abruptly, clouds blew out the sun
when waves rose to outrageous height,
which decked me to the pebbled beach;
and drowned my fantasy in fright.

A roving wisdom in this squall
declared a tale of facts clearly;
like a clarion wake-up call
as retort to foolish whimsy.

~~~~~~Revision 01~~~August 13, 2006~~~~~~
Seasickness
(version 01)

I went to the seashore again
to see the lonely surf, to sigh
a silent whim for a Tall Ship
to command and wind to defy.

Then blowing clouds snuffed out the sun,
and wind hatched waves too high to scale.
This frightful sight from deck of sod
did drown my breezy dream to sail.

A wisdom rove upon this gale
in time to cure a fool’s query,
to grant a beyond rainbow wish;
and tell its tale of facts clearly.


I went to the seashore again to see the lonely surf, to sigh a silent whim for a Tall Ship to command and wind to defy. Then blowing clouds snuffed out the sun, and wind hatched waves too high to scale. This frightful sight from deck of sod did drown my breezy dream to sail. A wisdom rove upon this gale in time to cure a fool’s query, to grant a beyond rainbow wish; and tell its tale of facts clearly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~original~~~~~~~~~~~
Seasickness

I went down again to the sea
to see the lonely surf to sigh
with silent whim for a Tall Ship
to command the wind to defy.

Then I saw clouds blow out the sun,
and waves rise to forbidden height,
which dashed my soul to deck of soil,
to squelch my fantasy with fright.


© 2006, D.E. Holmes
22 July

[Guest_Don_*]

Revison has been posted in original thread box 13 Aug 06.

Nina
Reading a small published portion of the poem you mention was my inspiration.
The revision corrects punctuation and eliminates the word "squelch" altogether.
Hopefully, the revision does more justice to John Masefield.

Cathy
Those who do not sail for a living tend to romance what can be a terrifying occupation. Fright of the storm at seashore cleans dreams of romantic sail and puts reality into sharp perspective. Since you were the second person to quibble, I removed "squelch." I toyed with the title and settled on what may be misleading physically. The title refers to mental illness of entertaining an illusion that is cured by a gale.

JLY
I agree clouds literally cannot blow out our sun, but perhaps poetically they can.

JustDaniel
You are the third to object to "squelch." which has been dumped by popular demand.
My age seems to show in many words I choose to use. It is difficult to be modern when balding. I didn't think deck of soil was any more stretch than clouds blowing out the sun, but this has been altered for popular taste. I understand parts of the NJ shore have extremely dangerous incoming waves.

Hope the revision is less gritty with sand.

Artesia Meeks
Thanks for your considered comments. I'm sorry to have filtered out the sand-in-mouth as you liked it.

Rosemerta
Always a pleasure to here from you. Hopefully, the only forced line now is with rainbow. I've forced myself to let a revision slip out despite some personal qualms. This is a workshop and my qualms are now in MM hands.

I intentionally attempt very compact expressions. Prose is for selling verbosity.

Cleo_Serapis
The journey is psychological from loosely conceived romance to harsh reality. My meter is quite mixed with constant syllable count per line rather than constant feet per line. I am aware the revision tones down the emotion, say of fright; but somethings tend to be lost with repeated revisions.

Yes, the image of being dashed down by a giant wave didn't come across as I desired. Your picture of hitting the ground from fright is equally satisfactory.

Amethyst
I am glad you approve of the title. A blurb of "Sea Fever" mentioned by Nina was my inspiration. The twist is that life on the sea often converts a Titanic into a tooth pick. To get a significant taste of that terror while safely on shore is a blessing.

To everyone
I certainly appreciate attention each has given to my rough draft. I hope the revision hasn't lost too much impact, especially due to third stanza of explanation. I heartily welcome addition tuning. Last but not least, I thank everyone taking part todate.

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Revison has been posted in original thread box 13 Aug 06.

Cleo_Serapis
The journey is psychological from loosely conceived romance to harsh reality. My meter is quite mixed with constant syllable count per line rather than constant feet per line. I am aware the revision tones down the emotion, say of fright; but somethings tend to be lost with repeated revisions.

Yes, the image of being dashed down by a giant wave didn't come across as I desired. Your picture of hitting the ground from fright is equally satisfactory.

To everyone
I certainly appreciate attention each has given to my rough draft. I hope the revision hasn't lost too much impact, especially due to third stanza of explanation. I heartily welcome addition tuning. Last but not least, I thank everyone taking part todate.

Don

Hi Don.

I look forward to reading your revision shortly! I am thrilled to see the 'workshopping' recently as that is our ultimate goal in both form and free verse posts (as well as prose too).
I can imagine a wave plowing one over like a snowplow would snow - the sheer force it produces...

Revisions are only as good as your acceptance of them Don. Just don't lose sight of that my friend - we can foster feedback but ulitmately, it's all in what YOU like...

Cheers
~Cleo