Soul Bouquet (Revised 27 Aug), Quatern & new title Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Some of you will remember this tribute poem to a dear friend of ours who passed away last year (hard to believe it's been almost a year).

Putting those tears aside, I am hoping to polish this poem as a tribute to those who move to another place.
Your comments are appreciated.

Revision 1 - thanks everyone

Soul Bouquet

I’m saddened that you went away
to travel unknown paths to where
no more a puzzle: heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.

Instead of being mad at Him -
I’m saddened that you went away
through valleys steeped in God’s own trim;
you’ve left this life a soul bouquet.

When I go limping through the days
with thoughts of you, I’ll shed a tear…
I’m saddened that you went away,
foundations forged with loving care.

The contours of your gentle smile,
the mounds of things I’d hoped to say.
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened that you went away.

Copyright © 2006 Lorraine M Kanter


On Your Way (Original)

I’m saddened you went on your way
to travel to a dwelling where
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.

Instead of being mad at Him -
I’m saddened you went on your way,
through valleys steeped in divine trim;
you’ve left these woods a soul bouquet.

When I go limping through the days
with thoughts of you, I’ll shed a tear…
I’m saddened you went on your way,
foundations forged with tender prayer.

The contours of your gentle smile.
The mounds of things I’d hope to say.
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened you went on your way.

Copyright © 2006 Lorraine M Kanter

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Lori...

I'm a bit distracted this morning, as I'm heading off to work after a week of vacation, but on the way I'm stopping off at my surgeon's office to get an appointment to check on my first knee replacement. It hurts.

I've read this several times and keep tripping over the repeating line. I know that there is no requirement for it to be iambic, but since the rest of the piece seems to fit generally into that pattern, this seems a distraction unless you force the iambic into it, which makes it read in a way that feels, at least to me, unnatural.

I’m SADdened you WENT on your WAY (natural, to me)
I’m SADdened YOU went ON your WAY. (unnatural iambic)

Perhaps...

I'm saddened, though you're on your way.

Anyhow, just a thought for consideration for this touching tribute. I can't recall whether it was originally for Del... but I still miss him terribly.

Love in Light, Daniel

[Cleo_Serapis]

Greetings, Lori...

I'm a bit distracted this morning, as I'm heading off to work after a week of vacation, but on the way I'm stopping off at my surgeon's office to get an appointment to check on my first knee replacement. It hurts.

Hello Daniel.

Well, I am glad you were able to take some time off from work but sorry to hear that your knee is hurting. Now now, what did you do on vaca that ouchied it so much, or has this been bothering you for some time?

I've read this several times and keep tripping over the repeating line. I know that there is no requirement for it to be iambic, but since the rest of the piece seems to fit generally into that pattern, this seems a distraction unless you force the iambic into it, which makes it read in a way that feels, at least to me, unnatural.

I’m SADdened you WENT on your WAY (natural, to me)
I’m SADdened YOU went ON your WAY. (unnatural iambic)

Perhaps...

I'm saddened, though you're on your way.

Anyhow, just a thought for consideration for this touching tribute. I can't recall whether it was originally for Del... but I still miss him terribly.

Love in Light, Daniel

My refrain to my ear sounds like:
I'm SADdened YOU went ON your WAY. (Isn't that iambic?) I was never actually going for iambic meter when I wrote this poem. I'll see if anyone else ha suggestions but I actually like that line as it is.

Nope - this was written for Larry (I believe he passed away a few months before Del?) I hadn't kept in contact with Del since PK crashed but I was saddened to hear of his passing. Friendships certainly can be as strong or stronger through our fingertips and the net as they are in the flesh. I considered Larry a very dear friend and I still miss him very much.

Hoping to polish this one and will think on the suggestions coming forth..

Cheers
Cleo