Soul Bouquet (Revised 27 Aug), Quatern & new title Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Some of you will remember this tribute poem to a dear friend of ours who passed away last year (hard to believe it's been almost a year).

Putting those tears aside, I am hoping to polish this poem as a tribute to those who move to another place.
Your comments are appreciated.

Revision 1 - thanks everyone

Soul Bouquet

I’m saddened that you went away
to travel unknown paths to where
no more a puzzle: heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.

Instead of being mad at Him -
I’m saddened that you went away
through valleys steeped in God’s own trim;
you’ve left this life a soul bouquet.

When I go limping through the days
with thoughts of you, I’ll shed a tear…
I’m saddened that you went away,
foundations forged with loving care.

The contours of your gentle smile,
the mounds of things I’d hoped to say.
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened that you went away.

Copyright © 2006 Lorraine M Kanter


On Your Way (Original)

I’m saddened you went on your way
to travel to a dwelling where
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.

Instead of being mad at Him -
I’m saddened you went on your way,
through valleys steeped in divine trim;
you’ve left these woods a soul bouquet.

When I go limping through the days
with thoughts of you, I’ll shed a tear…
I’m saddened you went on your way,
foundations forged with tender prayer.

The contours of your gentle smile.
The mounds of things I’d hope to say.
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened you went on your way.

Copyright © 2006 Lorraine M Kanter

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

As others have said, a beautiful tribute for someone who has sadly died and left loved ones grieving.

A few thoughts; take or leave as you wish.

I’m saddened you went on your way
to travel to a dwelling where ...dwelling doesn't quite seem right, perhaps "to travel an unknown path" (not very good but can't think of anything else).
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.

Instead of being mad at Him - ..I'm not sure this line works. I think the problem is with Instead of and I don't think being saddened answers that. You can be angry and sad at the same time.
I’m saddened you went on your way,
through valleys steeped in divine trim;
you’ve left these woods a soul bouquet.

When I go limping through the days
with thoughts of you, I’ll shed a tear…
I’m saddened you went on your way,
foundations forged with tender prayer.

The contours of your gentle smile.
The mounds of things I’d hope[d] to say.
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened you went on your way.

Thanks for the read

Nina

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Nina.

Thanks - this was for Larry (I never posted it for crit) - hard to believe it's almost a year now.

Hi Lori

As others have said, a beautiful tribute for someone who has sadly died and left loved ones grieving.

A few thoughts; take or leave as you wish.

I’m saddened you went on your way
to travel to a dwelling where ...dwelling doesn't quite seem right, perhaps "to travel an unknown path" (not very good but can't think of anything else).
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.

I also think 'dwelling' could be improved upon. I want to keep 'where' though as it is a rhyme with 'there' in L4. I'll need to 'dwell' on a substitute. LOL!

Instead of being mad at Him - ..I'm not sure this line works. I think the problem is with Instead of and I don't think being saddened answers that. You can be angry and sad at the same time.
I’m saddened you went on your way,
through valleys steeped in divine trim;
you’ve left these woods a soul bouquet.

I see what you are saying. In my experience, when one is angry over a death, they look to religion and question Him - in an angry manner 'Why did you take him"? that sort of thing which is why that phrase came to mind. Perhaps a change from 'Instead of' to "resolving to be mad at Him" ?

The contours of your gentle smile.
The mounds of things I’d hope[d] to say. Thanks Nina!
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened you went on your way.

Thanks for the read

Nina

Thanks for your critique Nina. You've given me a few new ideas to think on.

Cheers
~Cleo