Wheels of Change [ Revision #1 ], a Revolutionary Rondeau Options

[JustDaniel]

Wheels of Change

A smouldering... a charcoal fire
that heats great iron hoops for tires
to ring the wheelwright's oaken spokes
on circled pine, for working folks
to move with freedom — their desire.

Their taxing load, it seems, inspires
new ways of commerce and requires
a new restraint, a gentler yoke —
a smoldering.

Wheels turn. Some gentry now admire
their revolution, yet the ire
of governance will steep, provoke
still more rebellion as he soaks
them... takes a powder... leaves his pyre
a-smolderin'.

© MLee Dickens'son 18 July 2006

at the wheelwright’s shop in Williamsburg, VA
near the Colonial Governor’s Palace.

Original

A smoldering, a charcoal fire
that heats great iron hoops for tires
to ring the wheelwright's oaken spokes
on circled pine, for working folks
to move with freedom — their desire.

Their taxing load, it seems, inspires
new ways of commerce and requires
a new restraint, a gentler yoke
— a smoldering.

Wheels turn. Some gentry now admire
their revolution, yet the ire
of governance would soon invoke
new fear, tea-off his subjects, soak
them, take a powder, leave his pyre
a-smoldering.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Daniel.

I enjoyed this one for the content and the structure (as I fancy the Rondeau).

I also felt that 'tea-off' throws off the serious nature of the rest of the message in this piece. Even though I made the connection to 'Boston Tea Party' and all that their efforts imparted, I feel it might not be understood here.

Here are a few ideas for you to ponder below.
Cheers
~Cleo

A smoldering, {a} charcoal fire
that heats great iron hoops for tires
to ring the wheelwright's oaken spokes
on circled pine, for working folks
to move with freedom — their desire.

Their taxing load, it seems, inspires
new ways of commerce and requires
a new restraint, a gentler yoke (I would move the dash up after ‘yoke’)
— a smoldering.

Wheels turn. Some gentry now admire
their revolution, yet the ire
of governance would soon invoke
new fear, tea-off his subjects, soak (I too think the insertion her of ‘tea-off’ could be stronger if changed: perhaps ‘upset his subjects’?)
them, take a powder, leave his pyre
a-smoldering.

[JustDaniel]

I enjoyed this one for the content and the structure (as I fancy the Rondeau).

I also felt that 'tea-off' throws off the serious nature of the rest of the message in this piece. Even though I made the connection to 'Boston Tea Party' and all that their efforts imparted, I feel it might not be understood here.

[ I'm afraid that you're quite correct. I felt that when I wrote it, actually, but thought I would give it a try to see what kind of reaction I received from it. Clearly, most asked for a clarification, and of course it does seem to take away from the seriousness because of the anachronistic slang. ]

Here are a few ideas for you to ponder below.
Cheers
~Cleo

A smoldering, {a} charcoal fire
that heats great iron hoops for tires
to ring the wheelwright's oaken spokes
on circled pine, for working folks
to move with freedom — their desire.

[ I do see the reason for the suggestion, but it would both take away from the meter and the intent. I wanted to emphasize the smouldering (which is the first thing I saw in the wheelwright's yard. I didn't want merely to refer to a smouldering, charcoal fire. Does that make sense to you, Lori? ]

Their taxing load, it seems, inspires
new ways of commerce and requires
a new restraint, a gentler yoke (I would move the dash up after ‘yoke’)
— a smoldering.

[ Thank you. It was another 'experiment' awaiting a negative reaction. Thank you for sharing it. ]

Wheels turn. Some gentry now admire
their revolution, yet the ire
of governance would soon invoke
new fear, tea-off his subjects, soak (I too think the insertion her of ‘tea-off’ could be stronger if changed: perhaps ‘upset his subjects’?)
them, take a powder, leave his pyre
a-smoldering.

I hope that my modification now communicates my intention. Thank you for your feedback.

deLightingly, Daniel B)