Soul Bouquet (Revised 27 Aug), Quatern & new title Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Some of you will remember this tribute poem to a dear friend of ours who passed away last year (hard to believe it's been almost a year).

Putting those tears aside, I am hoping to polish this poem as a tribute to those who move to another place.
Your comments are appreciated.

Revision 1 - thanks everyone

Soul Bouquet

I’m saddened that you went away
to travel unknown paths to where
no more a puzzle: heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.

Instead of being mad at Him -
I’m saddened that you went away
through valleys steeped in God’s own trim;
you’ve left this life a soul bouquet.

When I go limping through the days
with thoughts of you, I’ll shed a tear…
I’m saddened that you went away,
foundations forged with loving care.

The contours of your gentle smile,
the mounds of things I’d hoped to say.
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened that you went away.

Copyright © 2006 Lorraine M Kanter


On Your Way (Original)

I’m saddened you went on your way
to travel to a dwelling where
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.

Instead of being mad at Him -
I’m saddened you went on your way,
through valleys steeped in divine trim;
you’ve left these woods a soul bouquet.

When I go limping through the days
with thoughts of you, I’ll shed a tear…
I’m saddened you went on your way,
foundations forged with tender prayer.

The contours of your gentle smile.
The mounds of things I’d hope to say.
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened you went on your way.

Copyright © 2006 Lorraine M Kanter

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Lori,

I don't usually read the other comments before adding my own but this time I did. A couple of the lines didn't feel right to me but I was stumped as to how they could be changed. Regardless, it's a beautiful tribute to those we have lost. I don't remember having read it before...

As always ... use or lose the suggestions as you see fit! *smiles*

I’m saddened you went on your way
to travel to a dwelling where
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.

I'm saddened you went on your way
I think you could squeak by with this but shouldn't the stress really be on 'your'? What about: 'I'm saddened you have gone away'?

Would you consider heaven a 'dwelling'? As Nina said, it doesn't quite fit here. And going on her suggestion (which would need altered a bit due to the rhyme) what about: 'to travel unknown paths to where...'?

Instead of being mad at Him -
I’m saddened you went on your way,
through valleys steeped in divine trim;
you’ve left these woods a soul bouquet.

through valleys steeped in divine trim

The stress on 'divine' is unnatural IMO. I've always stressed the second syllable. That may be a matter of preference maybe? Just a thought ... what about 'floral' since you mention 'bouquet' in the next line? You could also use 'this life' instead of 'these woods' in the next line. It could be interpreted a couple of different ways ... They've gone to heaven as a soul bouquet or they've left those behind a soul bouquet (like a gift). Does that make any sense? lol

When I go limping through the days
with thoughts of you, I’ll shed a tear…
I’m saddened you went on your way,
foundations forged with tender prayer.

The contours of your gentle smile.
The mounds of things I’d hope[d] to say.
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened you went on your way.

Your choice of course! One other observation (and I hope it doesn't make you mad! Yikes!) but I think it deserves a better title. I know that the words you've chosen come directly from the poem but they just don't seem to fit the importance of your message. Although, I'm unable to offer a suggestion at the moment. *smiles*
Cathy

I’m saddened you have gone away
to travel unknown paths to where
no more a puzzle; heart’s held sway;
you’ll join your loved ones waiting there.

Instead of being mad at Him -
I’m saddened you have gone away,
through valleys steeped in floral trim;
you’ve left this life a soul bouquet.

When I go limping through the days
with thoughts of you, I’ll shed a tear…
I’m saddened you have gone away,
foundations forged with tender prayer.

The contours of your gentle smile.
The mounds of things I’d hoped to say.
The words you’ve left; a friend worthwhile…
I’m saddened you have gone away.