Unpardoned Options

[Arnfinn]

Unpardoned

He sways beside me, tattered brown fingers clawing, slapping and shaking—
a cruciform figure in dark shadows.
He stops… sighs… then turns— hooked thorns suckle strained sinews.
‘ Here accept the sword of absit omen, you must venture on—
go slay your demons.’

A standstill.
Tall gray torsos, stout roots underneath.
Old growth, defused light, black nefarious impediments.
The girth of lost days.
Each sword stoke— a hollow ring…no echo…no echoes.
Enough—we must return to the sunlight.





John Macleod copyright Ó 18th March 2006

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi John

An intriguing poem though I feel I'm missing something as I've no idea what the story is behind it.

A few suggestions, take or leave as you wish.

[add] {delete} comment // (line break)

I'd suggest a few more line breaks (but that's just me)

He sways beside me,// tattered brown fingers //clawing, slapping and shaking— ...good alliteration
a cruciform figure in dark shadows.
He stops… sighs… {then} turns— //hooked thorns suckle strained sinews. ..again excellent alliteration
‘ {Here} {a}[A]ccept the sword of absit omen, //you must venture on—
go slay your demons.’

A standstill.
Tall gray torsos, //stout roots underneath.
Old growth, //defused light,// black nefarious impediments. ..I love the word nefarious
The girth of lost days.//
Each sword stoke— //a hollow ring…{no echo…}//no echoes.
Enough—//we must return to the sunlight. ..should this be in speech marks?

Thus:

He sways beside me,
tattered brown fingers
clawing, slapping and shaking—
a cruciform figure in dark shadows.
He stops… sighs… turns—
hooked thorns suckle strained sinews.
‘Accept the sword of absit omen,
you must venture on—
go slay your demons.’

A standstill.
Tall gray torsos,
stout roots underneath.
Old growth,
defused light,
black nefarious impediments.
The girth of lost days.

Each sword stoke—
a hollow ring…
no echoes.
'Enough—
we must return to the sunlight.'

Nina

[Arnfinn]

Hi John

An intriguing poem though I feel I'm missing something as I've no idea what the story is behind it.

A few suggestions, take or leave as you wish.

[add] {delete} comment // (line break)

I'd suggest a few more line breaks (but that's just me)

He sways beside me,// tattered brown fingers //clawing, slapping and shaking— ...good alliteration

Thank you

a cruciform figure in dark shadows.

He stops… sighs… {then} turns— //hooked thorns suckle strained sinews. ..again excellent alliteration

Thank you again, Nina

‘ {Here} {a}[A]ccept the sword of absit omen, //you must venture on—
go slay your demons.’

Hmmm... chop, 'Here' yes, unecessary.


A standstill.
Tall gray torsos, //stout roots underneath.
Old growth, //defused light,// black nefarious impediments. ..I love the word nefarious
The girth of lost days.//
Each sword stoke— //a hollow ring…{no echo…}//no echoes.

I had 'no echoes', then for some reason i decided to implant a singular infinitive?

Enough—//we must return to the sunlight. ..should this be in speech marks?

In the context of the meaning of the poem, no, unless I was talking to myself.

Thus:

He sways beside me,
tattered brown fingers
clawing, slapping and shaking—
a cruciform figure in dark shadows.
He stops… sighs… turns—
hooked thorns suckle strained sinews.
‘Accept the sword of absit omen,
you must venture on—
go slay your demons.’

A standstill.
Tall gray torsos,
stout roots underneath.
Old growth,
defused light,
black nefarious impediments.
The girth of lost days.

Each sword stoke—
a hollow ring…
no echoes.
'Enough—
we must return to the sunlight.'

Nina

The order of the lines is more attractive, but appears a little choppy, especially the first stanza.


Thank you for the help Nina, your ideas will come in handy in my revision.


The poem is about old age and contrition, in a split personality sense, the other person in the first stanza is my conscience. As I grow old, now and again, I find bad mistakes and stupid things that may have occured as long as forty years ago drift up from my sub-conscience and settle in my mind. I wrestle with the situation, go slay these fears- absit omen may my fears not be verified. The second stanza 'At a stanstill- retrace and visit memories and try to destroy that part within me causing me remorse for my actions. It's all to late though, stout rooted guilt has permanently settled into being I must moove back to the sunlight of normality.

There ya go Nina, I thought you would have been a wake-up to me uncomplicated poem. The title was a big clue.


John