Inconstant Dream (new title), A cosmic fantasy Options

[Guest_Maxim_*]

Re-titled with intro added and some revisions (thanks to Amethyst):

For those who have wondered why the moon goes through phases;
           why a shooting star blazes; why the stars have formed shapes in the skies;
                      or if night is the time intended for dreaming, why lovers hold dreams in their eyes...

Inconstant Dream

When Dream, adrift in starlit skies,
first chanced upon the Dawn,
she slipped beneath the evening veil,
descending on a moonbeam's trail,
to greet that early Morn.
Remaining there in hidden guise,
she gazed out through young lovers' eyes
as each new Day was born.

As Moon and Stars full realise
that Dream was made to stray;
they call upon eternal Night
for aid, to remedy their plight,
against the light of Day.
Says Night, "No need oppose Sunrise,
for in your luster power lies
to beckon Dream your way."

To grow in size then Moon essays
and buffs his nimbus bright;
whilst Stars dance through their galaxies
and patternings designed to please
are drawn across the Night.
And Dream awaiting Day's first blaze,
enraptured by those lunar rays,
joins Stars' celestial flight.

Albeit serene, as Night now seems,
betimes Dream visits Day;
then Moon puffs out his brightest face
and Stars across the heavens race,
lest she is moved to stay.
For lovers, fewer daytime dreams,
yet in their eyes how Sunrise gleams
as Dream still drifts their way.

by MaXiM

Original

Night & Day-Dream

When Dream, adrift in starlit skies,
first chanced upon the Dawn,
she slipped beneath the evening veil,
descending on a moonbeam's trail,
to greet the early Morn.
There she remained in hidden guise,
gazing through young lover's eyes
as each new Day was born.

As Moon and Stars full realise
that Dream was made to stray;
they call upon eternal Night
for help, to remedy their plight,
against the light of Day;
says Night, "No need oppose Sunrise,
for in your luster power lies
to beckon Dream away."

To grow in size the Moon essays
and buffs his nimbus bright.
Whilst Stars dance through their gallaxies
and patternings designed to please
are drawn across the Night.
And Dream awaiting Day's first blaze,
enraptured by those lunar rays,
joins Stars' celestial flight.

Albeit serene the Night's skies seem,
betimes Dream visits Day;
then Moon puffs out his brightest face
and Stars across the heavens race,
lest she is moved to stay.
Now lovers seldom may daydream,
yet Sunrise glows with special gleam
when Dream drifts by that way.

[AMETHYST]

WELL HEY THERE YOU!

Yes, I remember you and your work quite well. I am so very glad to see you here and I do hope to be seeing more of your work. I think you are right, I associated this poem with another. I have to go see. I most probably critiqued Awaiting Inspiration, as I believe when I was active I always use to look for your work.

As for title, no one fumbles with a title more than I  :sprite: I think most of my poetry gets retitled at least 4 times before I 'settle' ... If an alternative comes to mind, I promise to come by and post it.


[quote]
Remaining there in hidden guise"?
[/b]

This is perfect! It flows naturally and enhances the meaning that you had intended.  


[quote]
I have looked for alternatives to 'help' without success. Although I read a natural break in here, as 'to remedy their plight' is a comment inserted in the main sentence. But this may be inconsistent with the rest of the flow. I will consider your suggestions but if it means adjusting the lines around - I may have to decide which is the lesser of ills.[/quote]

Ok... let's see perhaps...


for aid, to remedy their plight.

Just a quick substitute for help. I think the line itself works well, with the pause, just the word help feels too rough or out of place. :)

[quote]

'So lovers seldom now daydream,
though Dawn still holds a special gleam
when Dream drifts by their way.'
[/quote]

The word daydream is a trochee, so how this reads is

so LOVers SELdom now DAYdream

even the original "so lovers seldom may daydream' still has that stumble, I didn't see it last night at work.

the problem is the ending. What would work absolutely perfectly is a headless Iamb...

So now, the lovers seldom daydream (headless Iamb.)
thought Dawn still sheds a spectral gleam
when Dream drifts by their way.

Just suggestions... use what you think is in line with what you are going for.

Great to see you again, and will be hoping to read more of your work


Hugs, Liz