Inconstant Dream (new title), A cosmic fantasy Options

[Guest_Maxim_*]

Re-titled with intro added and some revisions (thanks to Amethyst):

For those who have wondered why the moon goes through phases;
           why a shooting star blazes; why the stars have formed shapes in the skies;
                      or if night is the time intended for dreaming, why lovers hold dreams in their eyes...

Inconstant Dream

When Dream, adrift in starlit skies,
first chanced upon the Dawn,
she slipped beneath the evening veil,
descending on a moonbeam's trail,
to greet that early Morn.
Remaining there in hidden guise,
she gazed out through young lovers' eyes
as each new Day was born.

As Moon and Stars full realise
that Dream was made to stray;
they call upon eternal Night
for aid, to remedy their plight,
against the light of Day.
Says Night, "No need oppose Sunrise,
for in your luster power lies
to beckon Dream your way."

To grow in size then Moon essays
and buffs his nimbus bright;
whilst Stars dance through their galaxies
and patternings designed to please
are drawn across the Night.
And Dream awaiting Day's first blaze,
enraptured by those lunar rays,
joins Stars' celestial flight.

Albeit serene, as Night now seems,
betimes Dream visits Day;
then Moon puffs out his brightest face
and Stars across the heavens race,
lest she is moved to stay.
For lovers, fewer daytime dreams,
yet in their eyes how Sunrise gleams
as Dream still drifts their way.

by MaXiM

Original

Night & Day-Dream

When Dream, adrift in starlit skies,
first chanced upon the Dawn,
she slipped beneath the evening veil,
descending on a moonbeam's trail,
to greet the early Morn.
There she remained in hidden guise,
gazing through young lover's eyes
as each new Day was born.

As Moon and Stars full realise
that Dream was made to stray;
they call upon eternal Night
for help, to remedy their plight,
against the light of Day;
says Night, "No need oppose Sunrise,
for in your luster power lies
to beckon Dream away."

To grow in size the Moon essays
and buffs his nimbus bright.
Whilst Stars dance through their gallaxies
and patternings designed to please
are drawn across the Night.
And Dream awaiting Day's first blaze,
enraptured by those lunar rays,
joins Stars' celestial flight.

Albeit serene the Night's skies seem,
betimes Dream visits Day;
then Moon puffs out his brightest face
and Stars across the heavens race,
lest she is moved to stay.
Now lovers seldom may daydream,
yet Sunrise glows with special gleam
when Dream drifts by that way.

[AMETHYST]

Hello Maxim,

I don't think I have had the pleasure of meeting you yet. Allow me to introduce myself... I am Liz, otherwise known as Amethyst or Poetprncess. I like what I see here. The title, was a bit tell tale, but the read was a pleasant surprise. It seemed, the title gave me the impression that what would follow might be a worn out, over done subject and yet, I must say there is a lot of fresh and original idea's here...even the imagery, which is difficult to paint in a new light, seems to have a nice fresh slant.

The poem seemed sort of familiar and I cannot put my finger on it. Perhaps, you have posted this elsewhere?

Please use anything that might be worth your time, otherwise lose the rest.

Best Wishes and look forward to reading more of your poetry.

Liz

Night & Day-Dream

When Dream, adrift in starlit skies,
first chanced upon the Dawn,
she slipped beneath the evening veil,
descending on a moonbeam's trail,
to greet the early Morn.
There she remained in hidden guise,
gazing through young lover's eyes
as each new Day was born.

The Capital of Dream/Dawn allows us to know that it is not the state of dreaming, but rather Dream is represented as a singular person or entity. I thought this rather brilliant and done amazingly well. The inner movement through sounds and perfect word choices are executed quite well.
The first stanza is set up with precision. The only slight nit I find in S1 is in L6. I think it is the double iamb "THERE she reMAINED..." doesn't come off too easily to my ear, it is a very tiny nit and possibly could go without consideration.


As Moon and Stars full realise
that Dream was made to stray;
they call upon eternal Night
for help, to remedy their plight,
against the light of Day;
says Night, "No need oppose Sunrise,
for in your luster power lies
to beckon Dream away."

Again this stanza is lovely and enchanting. The personification of the elements, such as Moon, Stars, Night and Sunrise is impeccable. The only small nit in S2, is L4. I don't think "for help, to remedy..' holds steady. There is a slight disruption in the flow and although it is minor, the poem on the whole is excellent with meter and rhythm, it becomes noticable to my ear.

Perhaps..

assist and remedy their plight   or   and urge to remedy their plight.



To grow in size the Moon essays
and buffs his nimbus bright.
Whilst Stars dance through their gallaxies
and patternings designed to please
are drawn across the Night.
And Dream awaiting Day's first blaze,
enraptured by those lunar rays,
joins Stars' celestial flight.

Albeit serene the Night's skies seem,
betimes Dream visits Day;
then Moon puffs out his brightest face
and Stars across the heavens race,
lest she is moved to stay.
Now lovers seldom may daydream,
yet Sunrise glows with special gleam
when Dream drifts by that way.

These last two stanza are perfection to my ear and my mind. I love the way the grow into spectacle of universal unity. Sometimes, I think that archaic voice or tone often take away from the poem, however you've used it sparingly and in places where it almost seems natural in compareson to the meaning and images of the poem. Excellent poetry.



by MaXim