 The Horsecar, Trois-par-Huit (Part 2 of Hepta Crown) |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
 Sep 8 05, 05:31
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep  |
Hi all.
 A little tidbit first: I'm working on the Hepta Crown Challenge (in the Acropolis) and I've chosen the topic below. May as well put it in for critique. The Trois-par-Huit's rules are: Three stanzas of 3, 3, 2 OR 3, 2, 3: 8 lines in total with a syllable count of 3, 6, 9, 12, 12, 9, 6, 3. The rhyming pattern is AAB BBC CC where the last line is the title of the poem and summarizes the meaning of the poem. Part II of Public Transportation in America (1850s)
The Horsecar Thoroughfares, welcomed these cheaper fares with capacity more than double. Twice the speed on friction-less railed pavement stubble forces Omnibus to secondary trouble... with its inside room, better by far; and ridership on par… The Horsecar © Lorraine M Kanter 27 Aug 2005 ·······  ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
  
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| Guest_Jox_* |
 Sep 8 05, 05:53
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Hi Lori,
Interesting piece... a couple of problems you may wish to address if you agree with... I feel some of the rhymes are a tad "forced." It is difficult - you have to write in form and in subject and in rhyme (part of the form) therefore, something has to give. "stubble" seems to lie-ill with the poem to my way of thinking. If you feel the same an approach may be to re-consider "trouble" - but I'm sure you've been carefully considering all that. The other rhyme is "par" - I don't understand its use here. "Par" means average / norm so how can it be "better by far"? I really wish I could offer some useful suggestions but I am so tied down by that three-way combination: form / rhyme / subject that I'm stumped This crit sounds too negative for my liking, so let me also say this is an interesting, unusual topic for a poem and you have done very well to create yet another new form - I watch in amazement. I just feel this particular poem isn't quite there yet and I'm annoyed with myself for not offering a way through yet. But I shall keep thinking. If I don't like a poem I don't crit. I do like this... just needs something to click. Good luck and thanks for the read. J. |
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Posts in this topic
Cleo_Serapis The Horsecar Sep 8 05, 05:31 
JLY Lori,
I find this format to be too cumbersome and ... Sep 8 05, 06:04 AMETHYST Hi Lori,
I have to agree that the form (although... Sep 8 05, 10:27 Cathy Hi Lori,
You know I love this form but I think in... Sep 8 05, 13:03 Cleo_Serapis Hi James, John, Liz and Cathy!
You've convinced ... Sep 8 05, 17:54 
Jox Lori - Good luck (I know re-writes aren't easy... Sep 8 05, 18:03 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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