Rev. Graham’s Garden, June 2005, Sonnet-derived from our N Y Mission trip Options

[ArtesiaMeeks]

OK............finally got to get into MM again.  We took a short trip to visit my brother.....anyway, I do appreciate all the comments.  Please know that I am not offended by any remarks for improvement to my poem.   That is what we are here for, to learn to write better.  When I wrote this poem, I just wrote....saw it was 14 lines, called it a sonnet..........when I typed it as a MM entry, I changed the lines around because I thought it sounded better.....thus, it became an UNSONNET........but had already written in, it to be a Sonnet.....SO, I apologize for any wrong message I sent.  I do appreciate all your remarks, the theme for our camp was LOVE....thus, the reason for LOVE rather than faith...per CLEO.  I am going to print the revised piece and try to make it iambic, metered, and a real Sonnet.  Will get back to you soon.........like I said before, my husband's health and cooking for him with his food plan keeps me busy......so will post again.  AND ONCE MORE, I DO appreciate all the comments.

Artesia Meeks


REVISION
We watch him deliver God’s work once more
in America’s Capitol and shining shore.
He plants the seeds, this faithful one.
He shares our needs, love of God’s Son.

We follow in his aftermath.
We foster his seeds: New York, new path.
He plants. We till. We water. We sow,
The future, our gardens will overflow,

in strange places and at strange times,
in subway cars, and wheels like chimes.
And like the tea rose in fullest bloom,
maturity brings to heaven’s room,

  where we’ll walk the streets of pure gold,
   in God’s garden, our hearts He’ll hold.

© 2005 Carol Dee Meeks

THIS IS THE ORIGINAL

We watch him deliver God’s work once more
in America’s Capitol and shining shore.
He plants the seeds, this faithful one.
He shares our needs, loves of God’s Son.
We follow as his aftermath.
We water his seeds, New York new Path.
He plants. We till. We Water. We sow,
in times these gardens will overflow,
in strange places and at strange times,
in subway cars, wheel musical chimes.
And like the roses in full bloom,
maturity brings us heaven’s room,

    where we’ll walk the streets of gold,
    and in God’s garden, our hearts He’ll hold.

© 2005 Carol Dee Meeks

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Carol.

Glad to see you could log back in without a hitch...

I'm not overly versed in the sonnet however I think this piece is very telling of what you witnessed on your recent trip.

Are you interested in tightening the meter here?

Please let us know so we'll provide the critques that you desire.
The suggestions below are purely for meter - please take or toss anything you see..

Cheers!
~Cleo  :pharoah:


We watch him deliver God’s work once more
in America’s Capitol and shining shore.
He plants the seeds, this faithful one.

He shares our needs, loves of God’s Son.
He shares our needs, faith in God's Son.

We follow as his aftermath.
We follow in his aftermath.


We water his seeds, New York new Path.
We foster his seeds: New York, new Path. *suggest foster so the word 'water' isn't used twice.

He plants. We till. We Water. We sow,

in times these gardens will overflow,
The future, our gardens will overflow,

in strange places and at strange times,
peculiar places tend eccentric times,

in subway cars, wheel musical chimes.
And like the {tea} rose in full{est} bloom,
maturity brings us {to} heaven’s room,

   where we’ll walk {amble}  the streets of {purest} gold,
   and in God’s garden, our hearts He’ll hold.