Remember the Humans [Revised 02 Jul 2012], inspired from a Pandora challenge Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Title: Remember the Humans
Author: Lorraine M Kanter
Word Count:
Date: Apr 2, 2005
Revised: 02 July 2012


“You DO know how important this mission is, Mada, don’t you?” Solon paused as he skimmed through the written recordings of all previous time portal jumps. “This last jump might be our only salvation. You must succeed.”

“Yes, Prince Solon, I do.”  Mada replied while tapping something on his personal digital assistant.  Squinting from the light of the time portal, he added, “I will do my best, sir… as always.”

Inching toward the portal, mesmerized by swirls of color, Mada touched his PDA again and vanished.

When Mada came to, the world he once knew was no more. Time was now a contradiction in terms. In his time, the liquid cold fusion required to charge the portal became such an eminent threat to the survival of the planet, that this would be his last jump.  His lingering in the void only hastened his tentative steps to find what he sought.  He glided along the overgrown countryside like a slithering snake looking for a morsel in a world where morsels didn’t exist. He had to find it!

A flicker of intense light temporarily blinded him.

It took a few moments to regain his perfect vision, even after flipping down his night vision visor. Did they see me? He wondered as he instinctively ducked low and dimmed the PDA. Salt tickled his nose as beads of sweat smeared his face and chin. He stumbled a few paces, covered his mouth as if to scream, inhaled deeply and stepped forward, closer to the patroling robots. They hadn't noticed his arrival; they were too busy torturing soon-to-be roadkill.

“Sector 8-123-659 secure. There is no one here. Shall we return to base? Triton Three-Four, over.”

Mada shifted his position lower in the overgrown thatch, given that the two enforcers stood only about 500 yards in front of his hiding place. He punched the record button and whispered, "Robotics have come so far; the enforcers look humanoid!"

The silence broke when the second enforcer replied to headquartes, "Triton Six-Three, acknowledged. Returning to base."

Beads of sweat made a channel straight to his chin, sending a welcomed chill through his body. Mada searched the word ‘TRITON’ with a trembling hand. Mere fractions of a second later, a surreal greenish fog emanated from it and floated away, toward the robots. "I hope this works." He said without conviction.

A few moments later, the extraordinary fog reached the Tritons as they turned their back to where Mada was secreted and staggered to their interceptor vehicle. Without warning, Triton Six-Three suddenly lunged at Triton Three-Four. A clanging of metal on metal followed, and then abruptly halted. Triton Six-Three had just disconnected his partner’s Unity pathway, leaving it comatose and unable to communicate with any other: TERMINATION - TRITON THREE-FOUR COMPLETE.

Achromatic colors sped past in a silhouetted apparition at a velocity exceeding human visual comprehension. However, what the human eye could not register, the PDA did. A putrid stench erupted, as flesh peeled away from Triton Three-Four's cybernetic exoskeleton. Mada stretched his neck upward just high enough to glimpse the steel towers and laser torches beyond, where his Camelot waited.

Thump. Thump. THUMP. Silence. Binary codes flashed across the sky. Mada dropped to the ground, shaking in muscular tremors. Heat seared through his consciousness, but there was no pain. Triton Six-Three had succeeded. He was resistant to Mada's flesh-eating biological weapon.

“Halt! You have been scanned. Identification please.” Triton Six-Three bellowed.

Reaching for his lifeline, Mada knew it would aid him. Sweat beaded down his brow again, stinging his eyes. He shouted, “I am not from this city. I… you… will see from my Personal Identification Chip.” He staggered and collapsed in front of the interceptor, where he glimpsed the Library of Records just beyond. Camelot does exist! “Please let me go; I mean you no harm.” He pleaded.

A labyrinth of digits flashed into the sallow sky then: reds, blues, greens and whites, each representing a unique record. Triton Six-Three froze. “You do not lie. You do not exist.”  He frisked Mada acutely, cutting him, causing blood to spew from his wrist. The Triton then instinctively licked the wound clean before Mada realized what had just happened. A sharp singe followed, cauterizing flesh. He twirled around, whisked Mada into his interceptor and froze yet again. Something did not compute.

“If you let me go, I will tell no one.” Mada lifted his weapon of choice, aimed it at the enforcer, tapped the three-digit code, G.O.D. and released. He leaned closer and peered into the Triton's black eye sockets. “I am from another time. This is why your library has no record of me, and I have just rendered YOU disconnected.”

Mada’s faith had sustained him. He believed that in spite of the robotic future, there HAD to be some humanity left. He needed to tap into it that very moment, with that very robot - his own savior. His thoughts were abruptly interrupted.  “Triton Six-Three, report to base at once, over.” The Triton did not hear the message: could not hear it.

Mada leaned fully into the Triton’s face, where he saw only blackness. “You must help me.” He squatted low and pulled a picture from his boot. Bile started to creep up and into his throat and mouth. He swallowed it back. “I need this device. You must get it for me. You know where this is.”

Triton Six-Three scanned the picture into his database - again instinctively. “I have seen this… in the old city of Jerusalem,” the robot hesitated, “What need does this serve, this… thing? Surely, it is not your PIDC?” He tossed the picture into the sky and zapped it to the Nothingness, just as his program mandated the 'No evidence' creed.

Mada toyed with his throbbing wrist wound and loosened his grip on it. I am in control of this one now, he thought. “You will not question me. Do as I ask. Do you understand?”

“I understand.”

Mada snapped to a dominant position for the first time since his arrival in this time. This hold will not last long, he feared.

They reached Camelot within the hour, obtained the Holy Chalice he needed to create a miracle and sat in the Court of the Kings of Old for a moment longer, human and robot together. “I will remember you, Triton Six-Three,” Mada hugged him close. Salty tears streamed down his face again, along with a few more drops of his blood, straight into the chalice of change. Triton Six-Three wiped them away by licking up the evidence. History was altered. “Will you remember me?”

The Triton replied, “Of course, you are my inverse. My name is Adam.”  

Remember the Humans…

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Jul 2 12, 21:34

Reason for edit: Revision 3: 02 July 2012

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Cleo,

Wow, this is clever, complex stuff. I love the ideas incorporating the grail and Adam. I remember someone saying something about you writing fascinating sci fi a while ago - great to see this one. We all keep you too busy and don't let you create enough.

I think you could see the story unfolding like a film, and the excitement comes thru the writing but alas the scenes as described are a little confusing in places.

I think this needs a bit of polishing to bring out the sparkling story. I haven't read the other crits carefully, so apologies if I repeat anything already mentioned (or, worse, contradict anyone! ). As usual, these are merely my suggestions/comments and I am so much a beginner ...


It was their darkest hour. Actually, it was everyone’s…

“You DO know how important this mission is, Mada, don’t you?” Solon paused, heart racing, “This last jump could be our only salvation.”

“Yes, Prince Solon, I do.”  Mada yawned tapping on his PDA.  Squinting from the light of the time portal, he added. “I will do my best, sir… as always.”

A promising beginning. 'Darkest hour' sets a tone: end of the world scenario.

PDA? Distracting to have to wonder what this is.

Only other comment here is that perhaps if you want to establish a POV (point of view) it should be for one character at a time -  and in a short story probably only one overall. So having the fact that Prince Solon's heart is racing means that the reader thinks we have Solon's POV, when in fact we are to follow Mada.

Why is Mada yawning (bored, exhausted?) while Solon is so nervous, anyway?

Inching toward the portal, mesmerized by swirls of color, Mada touched his PDA and vanished.

When Mada came to, the world he once knew was no more. Time was not on his side and his lingering in the void only hastened his tentative steps.  He crept along the overgrown countryside like a slithering snake looking for a morsel in a world where morsels didn’t exist. He had to find it!

"Time was not on his side ..." Why not, if he has a time portal?

A flicker of intense light seared his psyche.

Okay, this is me being fussy, but psyche? Eyes, yes, but psyche? I'm not convinced (very fussy - sorry).

Mada blinked and flipped down his night vision visor. Did they see me? He ducked low and dimmed his PDA. Salt tickled his tongue instantaneously. He stumbled a few paces, covered his mouth as if to scream, inhaled deeply, and stepped forward.

The reader is having to take in and process a lot of ideas so far. What made the light? I know we find out, but perhaps he could assume it's a reconaisance party/enemy?

Why the salt? (sweat?)

Why does he stumble, seem about to scream?

“Sector 8-123-659 secure. There is no one here. Return to base?” Triton 34 inquired.

If we're in Mada's POV we wouldn't know this was Triton 34 - it would be a voice in the darkness.

Mada refocused his vision on the two police officers standing about 500 yards in front of where he hid. These officers are not human? Nodding his head left to right, he asked and answered his own thought. He punched the record button and whispered into his PDA, "Robotics have come so far, the enforcers look humanoid!"

These officers are not human? Nodding his head left to right, he asked and answered his own thought.
I think this confuses things and could be dropped? The last sentance says it all.

The second enforcer replied, "Triton 63, acknowledged. Returning to base."

Wiping sweat that had pooled on his chin, Mada tapped the word ‘TRITON’ into his PDA with a trembling hand. A split second later, a surreal greenish fog emanated from it and floated away from him, toward the robots.

An extraordinary, shimmering fog befell the two robots as they turned their back to Mada’s secreted position and headed to their interceptor vehicle. With no admonition, Triton 63 suddenly lunged at Triton 34. A clinking of metal on metal followed, and then abruptly halted. Triton 63 had just disconnected his partner’s Unity pathway: TERMINATION - TRITON 34.

The extraordinary fog, not An extraordingary fog (if it's the same thing Mada released).

Mada's secreted position ... secret position?

With no admonition? With no warning? Admonition means telling off - doesn't seem like quite the right idea here?

The colors of silver and blue sped past, at a velocity exceeding human visual measure. What the human eye could not register, the PDA did. A putrid stench erupted, as flesh peeled away from cybernetic endoskeleton. Mada was no longer alone. Beyond the steel towers and laser torches, Camelot waited.

Not sure what is speeding where in this para - lovely images but don't make anything fix in my mind. Love the idea of the flesh peeling off the robotic core of the droid - icky and revolting but wonderful.

Why does this lead to Mada no longer being alone? The second part of the para doesn't seem linked to the first.

Thump. THUMP. THUMP. Silence. The PDA flashed binary codes. Mada dropped to the ground, shaking in muscular tremors. Heat seared through his consciousness, but there was no pain. Triton 63 had succeeded.

I have no idea what is happening here. I thought Mada had won the robot to his control?

“Halt!” A mechanical voice. “You have been scanned. Identification please.” Triton 63 carried Mada to his interceptor.

Why does the droid carry Mada after asking for ID? Does he get an ID?

Reaching for his PDA, Mada knew it would aid him. Sweat beaded down his brow, stinging his eyes. He screamed, “I am not from this city,” he swallowed harshly, wind coming back up. “I… you… will see from my Personal Identification Chip.” He staggered and collapsed on the front of the interceptor, where he glimpsed the library of records. Camelot does exist! “Please let me go, I mean you no harm.” He pleaded.

A labyrinth of digits flashed into the night sky, reds, blues, greens, whites, each representing a unique library of records. Triton 63 froze. “You do not lie. You do not exist.”  He frisked Mada inflexibly, cutting him, blood spewing forth from his wrist.

Triton 63 next instinctively licked the wound clean before Mada ever realized what happened. A singe followed, cauterizing the flesh. He twirled around, whisked Mada into his interceptor and froze again.

I like the weird idea of a vampire robot. Got a little confused over the ID of each 'he' in this para. (Also thought we had a French monkey on the scene for a moment ... sureal - must be James's influence)

“If you let me go, I will tell no one.” Mada lifted his security blanket, aimed it at Triton 63, tapped the three-digit code, G.O.D. and released. He leaned closer, “I am from another time. This is why your library has no record of me, and I have just rendered YOU disconnected.”

My daughter has a security blanket. It goes everywhere with her. I think maybe you mean a sheild? Love the code - very aprropriate.

Mada’s faith sustained him. He believed that in spite of the robotic future, there HAD to be some humanity left. He needed to tap into it this very moment, with that very robot - his own savior.

His speech was interrupted.  “Triton 63, report to base at once, over.”

He wasn't talking still - stopped a para ago; so: His thoughts were interupted. ?

Mada leaned fully into Triton 63’s face, where he saw only blackness. “You must help me.” He squatted low and pulled a picture from his boot. Bile started to creep up his throat and into his mouth. He swallowed it back. “I need this device. You must get it for me.”

Triton 63 scanned the picture into his database, again, instinctively. “I have seen this… in the old city of Jerusalem,” the robot hesitated, “What need does this serve, this… thing? Surely, it is not your PIDC?” He tossed the picture into the sky and zapped it to the Nothingness.

PDIC?
Why does he zap the picture?

Mada toyed with his throbbing wrist, and loosened his grip. I am in control of this world now, he thought. “You will do as I ask, do you understand Triton 63?”

Why is his wrist throbbing and why toy with it? What is he gripping?

“I understand.”

“Radio base and tell them you will be delayed.” Mada snapped into domination. This controller will not last long, he feared.

Controller?

They reached Camelot, found the Holy Chalice and sat in the Court of the Kings of old for a moment longer, human and robot. “I will remember you, Triton 63,” Mada hugged him close. Salty tears streamed down. Triton 63 wiped them away. History was altered, now restored. “Will you remember me?”

Triton 63 replied, “Of course, you are my inverse. My name will be Adam.”  

Remember the humans….

Cleo, I've been incredibly hard on this - asking all the dummest questions I could, but they did all spring to mind as I read it thru for the first time. I do think the ideas in here are quite awsome, but you need to let them shine thru more clearly. Make sure that every word, every action furthers the story - whereas at the moment some of them are actively distracting from it.

Fran