Short Story Exercise 5, Come visit here and comment! Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello all!  

I for one am trying to learn HOW to SHOW a scene more than TELL a scene.

Why not help us all out and give an example here of exactly HOW one could do that?

Let's start with a few 'items' to write about and see what responses come to this thread?


There is a door (half-open) leading to ?? (WHERE)??
Choose a character name.

WHAT is this person doing?

Instead of:

She walked slowly to the door, half-opened, with light flickering beyond...

HOW would you describe this scene by SHOW rather than TELL?

Cheers!
~Cleo  

[Morgan le Fay]

Hi Lori!

My short answer would be, " it's all in the details my dear".  :)  I think it's all about setting the scene.  Bringing the reader in so they can taste and smell and feel.  Where they can hear the birds sing, so to speak.  I've taken the liberty to copy and re-post " A Summer Dawn." to use as an example.  There are problems with it but I think it will work for an example of what I mean.

A Summer Dawn

As I sit on my front porch, steaming coffee in hand, slippers on cold feet and sand in my eyes, dawn comes to the velvet meadow.  Bringing morning to a sleepy field, cloaked with a peaceful dampness that clings with loveliness and soft tranquility.

( here I'm trying to set the scene.  Really trying to give the reader the feel of the early morning, and letting them see what I see. Through gritty eyes and all.  I want them to smell the coffee.)

Birds reign, as colorful little gods.  With choirs of wings faintly singing delicious sounds that ring on the breeze.  Teasing the little pond and all of her inhabitants awake.

( again, I want the reader to be able to hear the birds and see the life of a new day starting in the countryside and hopefully giving the feeling of surprise and delight.  I'm trying to make them feel that they are the ones witnessing the beginning of the day.)

I close my eyes and inhale the jasmine warming in the newborn sun, and give thanks for witnessing the birth of a lazy summer day.

( In the last stanza, I want the reader to feel the sun and smell the flowers, and give a sense of the peacefull feeling of waking up in a much loved place.)

Did I succeed?  I hope so.  But only the reader can tell me. :)

Hope this is what you were looking for.

Love and stuff,
Chris  

PS.  I just read Fran's response, and it's so much better!  But I'll leave mine anyway.