Obituary For A 20thC Boy, Crits Please. Thanks! Options

[Guest_Jox_*]

© Maxine Brockton, 2005. I, Maxine Brockton, do assert my right to be identified as the author of this work in accordance with Sections 77 and 78 of The Copyrights, Designs And Patents Act, 1988. (Laws of Cymru & England, as recognised by international treaties). This work was simultaneously copyrighted in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the United States of America. This work is posted as an unpublished work in order to elicit critical assistance and other helpful comment, only.

Start Date: 29/10/2004 - Update: 30/06/2005
Revision thanks to: Alan, Grace, Daniel, Cathy, Butch, Lori and Nina.

Reference: MB 0197 AE

Obituary for A Twentieth-Century Boy
by Maxine Brockton

You were:

bitter
light
dark
sad
happy
concerned
fancy-free
sweet

Asteroids clatter among the Universe;
schoolchildren chatter going into class.
Shopkeepers retail their grandmothers;
undertakers detail precisely the hearse.

And so it goes round; no part too grand...
bit at a time; History reclaims her son.
Couple of beers; in drifts Sixties’ song:
Penny Lane cheers out across the sands.

What events between womb and earth?
No pretence of a linear progression -
staggering along; you did your best.
Puck on-song; you’re beaten by girth!

You:

hurt
healed
frowned
smiled
fought
made-peace
cried
laughed

and cried.

Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust,
Earth to Sun;
Universe to cinders.

Big Bang Number Two!
(Any number will do).
Rebirth!
But not us, my friend...

Let’s just hope
Buddhists are right
in the
very long run.

(end)

--------------------------------------------------------------------
References / Inspirations:

“Penny Lane” - The Beatles (Music)
“Across The Universe” - The Beatles (Music)
“Twentieth-Century Boy” - T.Rex (Music)
“Midsummer’s Night’s dream” - William Shakespeare (Play about Magic)
The Buddhist belief in re-incarnation (Religion)
The Christian burial ceremony (Religion)
The Big Bang theory - Astrophysicists (Science)
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Previous version on MM (there was an intermediate version which was not posted, too): MB 0197 AC

Obituary for A Twentieth-Century Boy
by MB

You were:

Bitter
Light
Dark
Sad
Happy
Concerned
Fancy-Free
Sweet

Asteroids clatter among the Universe;
Schoolchildren chatter going into class.
Shopkeepers retail their grandmothers;
Undertakers detail precisely the hearse.

And so it goes round; No part so grand.
A bit at a time; History calls back her son.
Couple of beers; in-drifts that Sixties’ song;
Penny Lane cheers out across the sands.

What events between womb and earth?
No pretence of a linear progression!
Staggering along; you did your best.
Puck on-song; you’re beaten by girth!

You:

hurt
healed
frowned
smiled
fought
made-peace
cried
laughed

and cried.

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Earth to Sun
Universe to Cinders

Big Bang No2!
(Ok, whatever number).
Rebirth!
But not us, my Friend...

Let’s just hope
The Buddhists are
right in the
Very Long Run.

(end)

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello James!  

Yes, you have a creative mind and write about topics not so often trodden. This is what makes you unique!  

I found this tile interesting, if not "in your face" personification. These tiles are hard to crit, because most readers find them far too personal.
BUT - we DO have an obligation to offer critique when we see something that could be even more refined, don't we? Taking my views aside, here is my offering for you to take or toss...
Cheers!
~Cleo  


Obituary for A Twentieth-Century Boy
by MB

You were:

Bitter
Light
Dark
Sad
Happy
Concerned
Fancy-Free
Sweet

Above, I would rather like to see the words flow together in a sentence-type stucture instead of just listed out - I haven't seen an obituary that does lists, but then again, I don't read them too often.   Perhaps something like (without the caps too and perhaps italized)?

You were bitter, light, dark, sad, happy,
concerned, fancy-free and sweet...

Asteroids clatter among the Universe;
Schoolchildren chatter going into class.
Shopkeepers retail their grandmothers;
Undertakers detail precisely the hearse.

And so it goes round; No part so grand.
A bit at a time; History calls back beckons her son.
Couple of beers; in drifts that Sixties’ song; *No hyphen
Penny Lane cheers out across the sands.

What events between womb and earth? *not complete thought?
perhaps add the word sum?

No pretence of a linear progression!
Staggering along; you did your best.
Puck on-song; you’re beaten by girth!

You:

hurt
healed
frowned
smiled
fought
made-peace
cried
laughed

and cried.

Again with the above, I would rather like to see the words flow together in a sentence-type stucture instead of just listed out.
You  hurt, healed, frowned, smiled,
fought, made peace, cried, laughed

and cried died.

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Earth to Sun
Universe to Cinders

Big Bang No 2! [*space]
(Ok, whatever number). [*Don't think you need this line - detracts?]
Rebirth!
But not us, my Friend...

Let’s just hope
The Buddhists are
right in the
Very Long Run.