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To Patrick, Sonnet (working on it) |
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Feb 13 22, 16:17
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Ornate Oracle

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 10,002
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting

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http://ibpc.webdelsol.com/2022/04FIRST PLACE To Patrick by Sylvia Maclagan Babilu
my son, who died aged 29 of ALS/Lou Gehrig’s disease.
I’ll just dream these lines, since you’re no longer here; your voice, your laughter and your soul are sunflowers in the summer air; I know you stole their light to fill my waking hours with Irish cheer.
My love for you is wedded to the morning’s elemental time, a coffee cup and friendly chat. I spy the raindrops sparkling on your jaunty cap my heart recalls each time the doorbell rings
three times. I hear the lively flute you’d play for many radiant years; and in the knowledge that you were going to die, I prized Commencement Day,
the youngster in the park who sketched your image on artist’s paper. I know God shows the way, absence, instants in life’s troubled pilgrimage.
What draws applause for the most celebrated elegies is a control on emotional chaos: the heart’s restraint so that art can commence. This control is what we experience in this carefully crafted elegy for a son. The loss of a loved one alters our daily lives – and, as this poem portrays, the most ordinary sights and sounds can become an unending requiem: “my heart recalls each time the doorbell rings/ three times. I hear the lively flute you'd play … and in the knowledge/ that you were going to die, I prized Commencement Day.” Plenty of room for sentimentality here –and yet, in verse lines that attend to a measured form, this poem achieves a beautifully-measured portrait of enduring love. --M.B. McLatchey
First revision (still needs many changes) To Patrick I'll dream these lines, since you're no longer here; your voice, your laughter and your soul are sunflowers in the summer air; you stole their light to fill my hours with Irish cheer. My love for you is wedded to the morning's elemental time, coffee cup, friendly chat. I spy raindrops sparkling on your jaunty cap my heart recalls each time the doorbell rings three times. I hear the lively flute you'd play for many radiant years; and in the knowledge you were going to die, I prized Commencement Day, the youngster in the park who sketched your image on artist's paper. I know God shows the way; absence, instants in life's troubled pilgrimage. Original To Patrick I’ll just dream these lines, since you’re no longer here; Your voice, your laughter and your soul Are sunflowers in the summer air; I know you stole Their light to fill my waking hours with Irish cheer. My love for you is wedded to the morning’s Elemental time, a coffee cup and friendly chat. I spy the raindrops sparkling on your jaunty cap My heart recalls each time the doorbell rings Three times. I hear the lively flute you’d play For many radiant years; and in the knowledge That you were going to die, I prized Commencement Day, The artist in the park who sketched your image On tawny paper. I know God shows the way, absence, instants in life’s blessèd pilgrimage. I've done my best, Daniel. I'm sure you can make it a lot better. Thanks so much for helping. These poems mean a lot to me. Hi again, Daniel. Could you please show me exactly how you think I should combine "pilgrimage" with "knowledge" and "image". I'm hopeless at this sort of stuff.
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner 
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Replies
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Feb 15 22, 21:41
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 19,920
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori

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First of all, Sylvia, I know nothing at all about Sylvia Plath's "Wuthering Heights" (nor what it might have had to do with Bronte's work, about which I also know nothing) Secondly, your rhyme scheme nearly follows one of the two typical rhyme schemes of the Petrarchan Sonnet, namely abba abba cdc cdc, though your final triad goes dcd. Thirdly, most such sonnet begin with a question or proposition in the opening octet and closes with an answer or resolution in the closing sestet. I'm not sure yours does, but frankly that is of little consequence to me! Fourthly, almost all such sonnets are written in iambic pentameter. The THRUST of your lines are iambic, but their length varies greatly: I’ll just dream these lines, since you’re no longer here; - starts with trochee, 11 sylables Your voice, your laughter and your soul - iambic, 8 syllables Are sunflowers in the summer air; I know you stole - varied meter, 13 syllables Their light to fill my waking hours with Irish cheer. - iambic, 12 syllables My love for you is wedded to the morning’s - iambic, closing in feminine ending, 11 syllables Elemental time, a coffee cup and friendly chat. - trochee, 13 syllables I spy the raindrops sparkling on your jaunty cap - iambic, 12 syllables My heart recalls each time the doorbell rings - good iambic pentameter w/ one variation Three times. I hear the lively flute you’d play - good iambic pentameter For many radiant years; and in the knowledge - IP w/feminine ending (11 syllables) That you were going to die, I prized Commencement Day, - iambic but varied, 13 syllables The artist in the park who sketched your image - IP w/feminine ending (11 syllables) On tawny paper. I know God shows the way, - iambic to trochee, 11 syllables absence, instants in life’s blessèd pilgrimage. - trochee to iambic, 11 syllables Well, there is my first look. Not sure whether that helps or discourages, Sylvia. Lightly critiquing, Daniel
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Feb 17 22, 17:56
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Ornate Oracle

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 10,002
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting

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QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Feb 15 22, 23:41 )  First of all, Sylvia, I know nothing at all about Sylvia Plath's "Wuthering Heights" (nor what it might have had to do with Bronte's work, about which I also know nothing) Secondly, your rhyme scheme nearly follows one of the two typical rhyme schemes of the Petrarchan Sonnet, namely abba abba cdc cdc, though your final triad goes dcd. Thirdly, most such sonnet begin with a question or proposition in the opening octet and closes with an answer or resolution in the closing sestet. I'm not sure yours does, but frankly that is of little consequence to me! Fourthly, almost all such sonnets are written in iambic pentameter. The THRUST of your lines are iambic, but their length varies greatly: I’ll just dream these lines, since you’re no longer here; - starts with trochee, 11 sylables Your voice, your laughter and your soul - iambic, 8 syllables Are sunflowers in the summer air; I know you stole - varied meter, 13 syllables Their light to fill my waking hours with Irish cheer. - iambic, 12 syllables My love for you is wedded to the morning’s - iambic, closing in feminine ending, 11 syllables Elemental time, a coffee cup and friendly chat. - trochee, 13 syllables I spy the raindrops sparkling on your jaunty cap - iambic, 12 syllables My heart recalls each time the doorbell rings - good iambic pentameter w/ one variation Three times. I hear the lively flute you’d play - good iambic pentameter For many radiant years; and in the knowledge - IP w/feminine ending (11 syllables) That you were going to die, I prized Commencement Day, - iambic but varied, 13 syllables The artist in the park who sketched your image - IP w/feminine ending (11 syllables) On tawny paper. I know God shows the way, - iambic to trochee, 11 syllables absence, instants in life’s blessèd pilgrimage. - trochee to iambic, 11 syllables Well, there is my first look. Not sure whether that helps or discourages, Sylvia. Lightly critiquing, Daniel  You're of great help, Daniel, thank you so much. I've been away from MM because I was not feeling too great. I'll take my "sonnet" to a Word.doc and try to get it right...or nearly so!
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner 
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Posts in this topic
Psyche To Patrick Feb 13 22, 16:17 JustDaniel Hoping you'll feel better soon! Take your... Feb 18 22, 06:29  Psyche QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Feb 18 22, 08:29 ) Ho... Feb 19 22, 12:49 JustDaniel Here is something that I think takes your thoughts... Feb 19 22, 16:33  Psyche QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Feb 19 22, 18:33 ) He... Feb 19 22, 16:50   Psyche QUOTE (Psyche @ Feb 19 22, 18:50 ) QUOTE ... Feb 20 22, 17:59 JustDaniel I'm afraid that "knowledge" and ... Feb 21 22, 04:26  Psyche QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Feb 21 22, 06:26 ) I... Feb 21 22, 13:10   Psyche QUOTE (Psyche @ Feb 21 22, 15:10 ) QUOTE ... Feb 25 22, 13:43 JustDaniel allege
dredge
fledge
hedge
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pledge
sledge
dra... Feb 26 22, 11:00  Psyche QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Feb 26 22, 13:00 ) al... Feb 27 22, 13:07
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