Sorrow, Sonnet (working on it) Options

[Psyche]

Sorrow

When you were yet a child, so dear to me,
tummy flat upon the rug, finger on a book
to read the lines, your lips a babbling brook,
my heart went out to you, my busy bumble-bee.

I loved those hours, filled with joyous play,
loved your curly hair and sturdy limbs
so quick your favorite branch to climb.
There were no better times or happier days

and now I sit beside your arms upon the quilt,
so motionless, their lifeline out of symmetry,
and cannot grasp the ingrate chronology,
must hide my face awhile, with tears of guilt.

I marvel at the gallant spirit in you,
understand the battle in those dimming eyes
and guess your nameless sorrow, the solitude,
youth’s body wasted frail your soul to heaven rise.

[JustDaniel]

The title of this "Sorrow" poem says it's "Patrick" on the section header! ?

You've created an engaging "envelope sonnet," namely starting abbacddc but then usually going either to efgefg or efefef, though some of my own go effe gg, but that's just my rebellion. YOURS however goes effe ghgh and with two more than the normal 14 lines in a sonnet.

Although the thrust of your piece is the usual Iambic Pentameter, it varies considerably:

When you were yet a child, so dear to me, - IP
tummy flat upon the rug, finger on a book - trochee w/ a hiccup at "finger", 13 syllables
to read the lines, your lips a babbling brook, - IP
my heart went out to you, my busy bumble-bee. - iambic to trochee at "bumble", 12 syllables

I loved those hours, filled with joyous play, - IP, if you pronounce "hours" as "ow-ers"
loved your curly hair and sturdy limbs - trochee, 9 syllables ("I" at beginning makes it IP)
so quick your favorite branch to climb. - iambic, 8 syllables
There were no better times or happier days - IP, if you pronounce "happier" as "hap-yer"

and now I sit beside your arms upon the quilt, - iambic, 12 syllables
so motionless, their lifeline out of symmetry, - iambic, 12 syllables
and cannot grasp the ingrate chronology, - iambic w/ hiccup at "chronology", 11 syllables
must hide my face awhile, with tears of guilt. - IP

I marvel at the gallant spirit in you, - iambic w/ hiccup at "in", 11 syllables
understand the battle in those dimming eyes - trochee, 11 syllables
and guess your nameless sorrow, the solitude, - iambic w/ hiccup at "the", 11 syllables
youth’s body wasted frail your soul to heaven rise. - iambic, though first syllable accented, 12 syllables

Again, I hope that helps. Let me know how you want to proceed.

deLighting to "help", Daniel