The title of this "Sorrow" poem says it's "Patrick" on the section header! ?
You've created an engaging "envelope sonnet," namely starting abbacddc but then usually going either to efgefg or efefef, though some of my own go effe gg, but that's just my rebellion. YOURS however goes effe ghgh and with two more than the normal 14 lines in a sonnet.
Although the thrust of your piece is the usual Iambic Pentameter, it varies considerably:
When you were yet a child, so dear to me, - IP tummy flat upon the rug, finger on a book - trochee w/ a hiccup at "finger", 13 syllables to read the lines, your lips a babbling brook, - IP my heart went out to you, my busy bumble-bee. - iambic to trochee at "bumble", 12 syllables
I loved those hours, filled with joyous play, - IP, if you pronounce "hours" as "ow-ers" loved your curly hair and sturdy limbs - trochee, 9 syllables ("I" at beginning makes it IP) so quick your favorite branch to climb. - iambic, 8 syllables There were no better times or happier days - IP, if you pronounce "happier" as "hap-yer"
and now I sit beside your arms upon the quilt, - iambic, 12 syllables so motionless, their lifeline out of symmetry, - iambic, 12 syllables and cannot grasp the ingrate chronology, - iambic w/ hiccup at "chronology", 11 syllables must hide my face awhile, with tears of guilt. - IP
I marvel at the gallant spirit in you, - iambic w/ hiccup at "in", 11 syllables understand the battle in those dimming eyes - trochee, 11 syllables and guess your nameless sorrow, the solitude, - iambic w/ hiccup at "the", 11 syllables youth’s body wasted frail your soul to heaven rise. - iambic, though first syllable accented, 12 syllables
Again, I hope that helps. Let me know how you want to proceed.
deLighting to "help", Daniel
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