A Mortician’s “Somber” Reflections **, Free-verse Options

[Ali zonak]

A Mortician’s “Somber” Reflections **

Cradle to grave, the destiny of man
is one from which there’s no escape
Born he was without teeth in his gums,
now it is the tooth of time that tears and gnaws.

Aging gracefully? Oh, such fleeting dream;
man finds himself a prisoner of old age.
Dogs may grow old without showing their age--
some ancient ones still run, but this one lies still.

Look--this shadow of man, once stout, his legs
are withered, stiff; the skin hangs loose
and saggy like that of a plucked goose;
his neck would be too weak to hold the head erect.

Once he was a youth with a full head of hair,
but now, one finds only one or two, maybe here
or there, not worthy of clippers and shears--
except for those bristles in nose and ear.
Well--at last he is beyond all earthly care,
yet I serve him by doing what I do best--
Hot diggity dang! Doesn't that guy looks great?

[Eisa]

Hi Ali,

It's good to see another poem from you. I'm sorry you feel this is no longer the poetry home for you. I know Daniel has done his best to welcome you and give some help and has meant no offence in his critique. We all critique in different ways and in different depths. I've always found Daniel's suggestions to be thoughtful and thought-provoking.
Anyway, here are a few meagre thoughts from me below.

Cradle to grave, the destiny of man
is one from which there’s no escape
Born he was without teeth in his gums,
now it is the tooth of time that tears and gnaws.

I like this 1st stanza and how you've used teeth as a theme/metaphor.

Aging gracefully? Oh, such fleeting dream;
man finds himself a prisoner of old age.
Dogs may grow old without showing their age--
some ancient ones still run, but this one lies still.

Look--this shadow of man, once stout, his legs
are withered, stiff; the skin hangs loose
and saggy like that of a plucked goose;
his neck [would be] too weak to hold the head erect.

Perhaps delete 'would be' from last line

Once he was a youth with a full head of hair,
but now, one finds only one or two, maybe here
or there, not worthy of clippers and shears--
except for those bristles in nose and ear.
Well--at last he is beyond all earthly care,
yet I serve him by doing what I do best--
Hot diggity dang! Doesn't that guy looks great?

Change 'looks' to 'look' in last line

I hope these few thoughts have been helpful. We have a saying here about critique -'use or loose'. In other words if you don't want to use suggestions then just ignore (lose)
I hope this is not 'Goodbye'.

Eira

[Ali zonak]

Hi Ali,

It's good to see another poem from you. I'm sorry you feel this is no longer the poetry home for you. I know Daniel has done his best to welcome you and give some help and has meant no offence in his critique. We all critique in different ways and in different depths. I've always found Daniel's suggestions to be thoughtful and thought-provoking.
Anyway, here are a few meagre thoughts from me below.

Cradle to grave, the destiny of man
is one from which there’s no escape
Born he was without teeth in his gums,
now it is the tooth of time that tears and gnaws.

I like this 1st stanza and how you've used teeth as a theme/metaphor.

Aging gracefully? Oh, such fleeting dream;
man finds himself a prisoner of old age.
Dogs may grow old without showing their age--
some ancient ones still run, but this one lies still.

Look--this shadow of man, once stout, his legs
are withered, stiff; the skin hangs loose
and saggy like that of a plucked goose;
his neck [would be] too weak to hold the head erect.

Perhaps delete 'would be' from last line

Once he was a youth with a full head of hair,
but now, one finds only one or two, maybe here
or there, not worthy of clippers and shears--
except for those bristles in nose and ear.
Well--at last he is beyond all earthly care,
yet I serve him by doing what I do best--
Hot diggity dang! Doesn't that guy looks great?

Change 'looks' to 'look' in last line

I hope these few thoughts have been helpful. We have a saying here about critique -'use or loose'. In other words if you don't want to use suggestions then just ignore (lose)
I hope this is not 'Goodbye'.

Eira

Hello Eira;
I appreciate your thoughts on my poem, as well as on the matter touched upon above this post. Yes, "would be" is unnecessary and will be removed from my draft before I finalize it. I loved your poem in which you memorialized your pets. To me it shows you have a heart. Have a great summer and stay well. Ali