Stardust ***, Free-Verse Options

[Ali zonak]

Eira, I made a couple changes as you suggested. See what you make of them. Thanks, Ali.
Since I have never been in deep-space, my write may be total nonsense. Now I believe that small particles as well as large bodies collide all the time--but where would that leave my poem? lo.,

Stardust 2nd revision

Hear the singing wind-- Coarse dust
rolls in waves across the yard; violent
gusts whirl tumbleweeds through horse pens.
Their spiny, brittle forms brush against corrugated
metal sheds to scrape dented, rusty metal.

Sand is time and time is sand; in the river
of eternity, epochs erode granite
and all human superficiality, leaving behind
dust that’s destined to return to the stars.

Our planet’s shores embody innumerable
grains of worn stone; stellar grit, drifting
through Cosmos, exceeds Earth’s
sand grains in numbers--few will collide
with one another, thus attesting to space’s infinity.

I halt to clear my eyes of blowing sand
and contemplate how a by-us conceived
deity can keep its own vision clear
of so much stardust as the entity
moves through Cosmos’s endless space.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Stardust *** 1st revision (Thank you, delightful Daniel, for your valuable input!)

Hear the singing wind-- Coarse dust
rolls in waves across the yard; violent
gusts whirl tumbleweeds through horse pens.
Their spiny, brittle forms brush against corrugated
metal sheds to scrape dented, rusty metal.

Sand is time and time is sand; in the river
of eternity, epochs erode granite
and all human superficiality, leaving behind
dust that’s destined to return to the stars.

Our planet’s shores embody innumerable
grains of worn stone, but it’s been said that stellar
grit, drifting through Cosmos, exceeds Earth’s
sand grains in numbers--yet few specks
of stardust will ever collide with one another,
thus attesting to space’s infinity.

I halt to wipe grit from my eye
and contemplate how a by-us conceived
deity can keep its own vision clear
of so much stardust as the entity
moves through Cosmos’s endless space.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stardust *** Original Version

Listen to the singing wind-- Granular dust
rolls in waves across the yard; violent
gusts whirl tumbleweeds through the corrals;
its spiny, brittle forms brush against corrugated
sheds, scrape dented, rusty metal. Sand is time
and time is sand; both wear away all superficiality.

One seashore alone amasses innumerable
grains; yet stellar grit, drifting through cosmos,
exceeds our sand grains in numbers; so it's been said.
Yet, few specks of star dust will ever collide
with one another, thus attesting to space's infinity.

I halt to wipe a grain from my eye and contemplate
how a by us conceived deity can keep its own
clear of so much stardust as it moves
through Cosmos's endless space.

[Eisa]

Hi Ali,

Great revision!

I love the imagery throughout this.
Daniel's excellent critique leaves me very little to suggest, but I'll leave you some thoughts in between the lines.



Hear the singing wind-- Coarse dust
rolls in waves across the yard; violent
gusts whirl tumbleweeds through horse pens.
Their spiny, brittle forms brush against corrugated
metal sheds to scrape dented, rusty metal.

It is important to have a strong start to a poem and this is an excellent 1st stanza with beautiful descriptions

Sand is time and time is sand; in the river
of eternity, epochs erode granite
and all human superficiality, leaving behind
dust that’s destined to return to the stars.

Our planet’s shores embody innumerable
grains of worn stone, but it’s been said that stellar
grit, drifting through Cosmos, exceeds Earth’s
sand grains in numbers--yet few specks
of stardust will ever collide with one another,
thus attesting to space’s infinity.

I feel 'but it's been said' in L2 is a bit too conversational

Also 'in numbers' in L4 and 'thus' in Last line, could be deleted to tighten up a bit.

I halt to wipe grit from my eye
and contemplate how a by-us conceived
deity can keep its own vision clear
of so much stardust as the entity
moves through Cosmos’s endless space.

Just a few thoughts to consider - ignore if they are not what you are looking for. An excellent first post and I look forward to your next.

Eira

[Ali zonak]

Hi Ali,

Great revision!

I love the imagery throughout this.
Daniel's excellent critique leaves me very little to suggest, but I'll leave you some thoughts in between the lines.



Hear the singing wind-- Coarse dust
rolls in waves across the yard; violent
gusts whirl tumbleweeds through horse pens.
Their spiny, brittle forms brush against corrugated
metal sheds to scrape dented, rusty metal.

It is important to have a strong start to a poem and this is an excellent 1st stanza with beautiful descriptions

Sand is time and time is sand; in the river
of eternity, epochs erode granite
and all human superficiality, leaving behind
dust that’s destined to return to the stars.

Our planet’s shores embody innumerable
grains of worn stone, but it’s been said that stellar
grit, drifting through Cosmos, exceeds Earth’s
sand grains in numbers--yet few specks
of stardust will ever collide with one another,
thus attesting to space’s infinity.

I feel 'but it's been said' in L2 is a bit too conversational

Also 'in numbers' in L4 and 'thus' in Last line, could be deleted to tighten up a bit.

I halt to wipe grit from my eye
and contemplate how a by-us conceived
deity can keep its own vision clear
of so much stardust as the entity
moves through Cosmos’s endless space.

Just a few thoughts to consider - ignore if they are not what you are looking for. An excellent first post and I look forward to your next.

Eira

Hello Eira;
no, I would never ignore any well-grounded suggestions, and you have made some excellent points that I will heed. Thank you kindly, Ali