Sunset, pondering a better, non-cliche title Options

[Guest_Dove_*]

(revision)


Sunkist


Spoonfuls of sugar
frost blueberries,
with a banana on the side.

Many
mandarin slices,
strawberry swirls,
cherry toppings,
kiwi leaves,
plum halves,
and the last
sliver of peach
are plucked and packaged;
ripe pear-shaped day.

Pomegranate seeds,
grape wine perfume,
and rosemary aroma
waft around the
pealed coconut that orbits;
eggplant night.

(original)


Sunset


Spoonfuls of sugar
cover blueberries,
with a banana on the side.

Many
mandarin slices,
strawberry splotches,
cherry stems,
kiwi leaves,
plum halves,
and the last
sliver of peach;
ripe pear-shaped day.

Pomegranate seeds,
grape wine perfume,
cranberry strings,
pealed coconut orbiting;
eggplant night.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Jessica!  

I'm always late! I was thinking about your title, and I almost wondered if 'Fruited Horizons' would be a more fitting title, because in this context, you could be writing about sunrise and/or sunsets from an orbiter perspective? I also got a bit itchy with the opening stanza: the word 'spoonfuls'. Perhaps a change to 'sprinkles or dustings? I also keep reading 'frost' as frosted, and am expecting some sort of action to follow side? I have a suggestion there to take or toss as follows:

Sprinkles of sugared blueberries
serenade interludes of
banana trajectories. **This may be WAY beyond, I am only referencing some 'horizon images' as a suggestion.

Many Copious
mandarin slices,
strawberry swirls,
cherry toppings,
kiwi leaves,
plum halves,
and the last
sliver of peach
are plucked and packaged;
ripe pear-shaped day.
****Awesome! My favorite stanza!

Pomegranate seeds,
grape wine perfume,
and rosemary aroma
waft around the
pealed coconut that orbits;
eggplant night.

Well done! Your imagery in comparison to a fruit salad really work well here!
Cheers!
~Cleo