Seasonal Languor *** (revision 1) Options

[Eisa]

Seasonal Languor Revision April 2017

My husband offered me pomegranate seeds
from the supermarket shelf; I contemplate
when Hades tempted you. Now four months of
each year you dwell inside the depths with him

while I endure, this suffocating darkness,
exhaustion, craving carbs and sugared tea.
I ache for sunshine’s vitamin D –
and your return with flaming torch.

Demeter’s sorrow is shared, but I detest her
fruitless spread, so slump beneath my quilt
with no desire to surface and get dressed;
warmth coddles all my frigid bones.

I scrutinize the sky for scythe-like wings
returning from overheated realms,
yearn for apodidae, screaming parties
careening madly round rooftops.

As crocus’ wake beneath catkin arms,
you glimmer through the shadows, enfold
me in promises, scythes slash through cirrus
- and I spring into your radiance.

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Seasonal Languor

My husband picked me pomegranate seeds
from the supermarket shelf; I contemplate
when Hades tempted you. Now a third of
each year you inhabit the depths with him

while I endure, this suffocating darkness,
exhaustion, craving carbs and sugared tea.
I ache for sunshine’s vitamin D –
and your return with flaming torch.

Demeter’s sorrow is shared, but I detest her
fruitless spread, so slump beneath my quilt
with no desire to surface and get dressed;
warmth coddles my frigid bones.

I scrutinise the sky for scythe-like wings
returning from overheated realms,
yearn for swift’s screaming parties
careening madly round the rooftops.

As crocus’ wake beneath catkin arms,
your glimmer through the shadows, enfolds
me in promises, scythes slash through cirrus
- and I spring into your radiance.

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Eira.

Here I am belatedly visiting the other side of this empty realm, where I struggle in darkness myself, but of a different sort than yours here. I trust that all that this poem long for is well within your grasp now that summer is upon us!

Let me merely offer a few questions or comments, perhaps a 'correction'?

Seasonal Languor Revision April 2017

My husband offered me pomegranate seeds
from the supermarket shelf; I contemplate
when Hades tempted you. Now four months of
each year you dwell inside the depths with him

My grasp of allusions is often deficient, so I'm missing out on "when Hades tempted you." I'd love to understand so that I may accurately understand the picture you're painting.

while I endure(,) this suffocating darkness,
exhaustion, craving carbs and sugared tea.
I ache for sunshine’s vitamin D –
and your return with flaming torch.

Demeter’s sorrow is shared, but I detest her
fruitless spread, so slump beneath my quilt
with no desire to surface and get dressed;
warmth coddles all my frigid bones.

I had to look up Demeter, but of course that is my lack of education in mythology. Of course your choice is apt. However I wonder about the passive voice instead of making yourself the subject of the sharing in the first phrase? "I share Demeter's sorrow..." I can identify with the whole picture.

Scrutinizing the sky for scythe-like wings
returning from overheated realms,
I yearn for apodidae, screaming parties
careening madly round rooftops.

If you accept my suggestion in the previous stanza, this suggestion is to remove the "I" to a later place. I had to look up both "swift" and "apodidae", so thank you for the education again. I like the image of screaming parties. Not sure whether I like the original possessive 's or the current mere comma. It's a toss-up for the slight difference.

As crocuses / croci wake beneath catkin arms,
you glimmer through the shadows, enfold
me in promises, scythes slash through cirrus
- and I spring into your radiance.

Believe it or not, I didn't know what catkin is, either, but we have quite a bit of it on the trees in our yard. Thank you for another useful word. I love the imagery of this closing verse.

deLightingly, Daniel