 Warm Coverlet |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse
 Dec 19 16, 16:00
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 10,055 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting  |
Warm Coverlet
Snowflakes float in all directions: fragile, hapless crystals borne by chancy breezes less stable than hearts' in bloom. Giddy water molecules transformed into hexagons, or other symmetrical shapes, ascending, or descending, flippant like Chaos’ unrelenting hazard. One heart beats erratically, attuned to nature’s dance, from a lofty metal bed. Quilted and pillowed, eyes unfocused, gazing at gauzy air. This heart is not hampered by diffident frozen droplets, a myriad of them tracing patterns on steamy window panes, cautioning those languid eyes. Soothing, salty tears shed by an exiled mind on white cotton robes in harsh winter's clime… Will snow keep this heart cozy, under a geometric patchwork stitched by chuckling old ladies? God’s creatures lie dormant beneath snow’s warm coverlet. By Psyche, Bariloche, Argentina. 2016 ·······  ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner              |
  
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Jan 5 17, 17:45
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 Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
I thought I'd commented on this yesterday, Syl, but on returning I find I haven't - so here goes!
A beautiful poem Syl and knowing who it's about I find it most moving. Warm Coverlet Snowflakes float in all directions: fragile, hapless crystals borne by chancy breezes less stable than hearts' in bloom. A lovely 1st stanza that sets the scene Giddy water molecules transformed into hexagons, or other symmetrical shapes, ascending, or descending, flippant like Chaos’ unrelenting hazard. I think I might condense the beginning lines into Giddy water molecules transformed into symmetrical shapes One heart beats erratically, attuned to nature’s dance, from a lofty metal bed. Quilted and pillowed, eyes unfocused, gazing at gauzy air. It's at this point I see a hospital bed? This heart is not hampered by diffident frozen droplets, a myriad of them tracing patterns on steamy window panes, cautioning those languid eyes. Soothing, salty tears shed by an exiled mind on white cotton robes in harsh winter's clime… Do you need ... at the end? Will snow keep this heart cozy, under a geometric patchwork stitched by chuckling old ladies? God’s creatures lie dormant beneath snow’s warm coverlet. Thought provoking ending. I've not much to offer, but this is well written. Great to read you again Hugs Eira ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner    |
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Jan 5 17, 18:45
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#3
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 10,055 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Eisa,
 So great to have you here again with your great crits. Been missing them! Yes, I could condense that stanza, just as you suggest. TX! Well, it's a Hospice bed, but our National Health Service provides hospital beds for those who need them, so we asked for one and got it. What I mean to say, is that he was not in a hospital. The Hospice was bright, with large windows, but I especially remember one afternoon when it was snowing. The flakes danced around in the breeze and stuck to the window panes. I tried to explain that we were watching a lovely spectacle, but it didn't seem to click with him. Sad. I'll try to post a revision asap. I've not been coming here very much. I finally became tired of doing everything on my own. I might post a challenge, I've got one in mind. But Rhymer is digging into the Archives and has plenty of material to work with! I also hope you'll post something soon! Hugs, Syl  QUOTE (Eisa @ Jan 5 17, 19:45 )  I thought I'd commented on this yesterday, Syl, but on returning I find I haven't - so here goes! A beautiful poem Syl and knowing who it's about I find it most moving. Warm Coverlet Snowflakes float in all directions: fragile, hapless crystals borne by chancy breezes less stable than hearts' in bloom. A lovely 1st stanza that sets the scene Giddy water molecules transformed into hexagons, or other symmetrical shapes, ascending, or descending, flippant like Chaos’ unrelenting hazard. I think I might condense the beginning lines into Giddy water molecules transformed into symmetrical shapes One heart beats erratically, attuned to nature’s dance, from a lofty metal bed. Quilted and pillowed, eyes unfocused, gazing at gauzy air. It's at this point I see a hospital bed? This heart is not hampered by diffident frozen droplets, a myriad of them tracing patterns on steamy window panes, cautioning those languid eyes. Soothing, salty tears shed by an exiled mind on white cotton robes in harsh winter's clime… Do you need ... at the end? Will snow keep this heart cozy, under a geometric patchwork stitched by chuckling old ladies? God’s creatures lie dormant beneath snow’s warm coverlet. Thought provoking ending. I've not much to offer, but this is well written. Great to read you again Hugs Eira ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Posts in this topic
Psyche Warm Coverlet Dec 19 16, 16:00 
mt2polar Syl,
I'm having a hard time finding myself in... Dec 19 16, 20:34 Psyche Hi mt2,
Thanks for commenting on my poem. I'll... Dec 21 16, 16:14 
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