 Warm Coverlet *** |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse
 Jun 25 14, 01:28
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 10,021 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting  |
Snowflakes float in all directions:
fragile, hapless crystals borne by chancy breezes less stable than the heart in bloom. Giddy water molecules transformed into asymmetrical hexagons, ascending, not descending, flippant towards Chaos' rules. One heart beats erratically, attuned to nature’s dance from a lofty metal bed. Quilted and pillowed, eyes open and close, gaze at gauzy air. Heart is not hampered by diffident frozen droplets, a myriad of them tracing patterns on steamy window panes, cautioning shaded, languid eyes. Soothing waterless tears shed by banished hearts on white cotton robes in harsh winter clime… Will snow keep this heart cozy, under a geometric patchwork stitched by chuckling old ladies? God’s creatures slumber beneath snow’s warm coverlet. By Psyche Changes: 'gazing' to 'gaze', S3 'exilic' to 'banished', S5 Thank you, Jerry. 'lie dormant' to 'slumber', S6 Dropped lines after "clime" to make new S. Tx Snow! © Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia, 2014. Note: Southern Hemisphere, Winter Solstice on June 21st. ·······  ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner              |
  
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Aug 26 14, 13:55
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#2
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 Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Syl,
I'm sorry I've not commented on this beautiful poem sooner, but life has kept me away from MM for a while. I like the metaphors in this and feel that it doesn't matter if we (writer & reader) don't completely understand every line. A sense of mystery can enhance a poem. I like the subtle changes you have made. This is a well written poem and I stumble to find anything I'd change. QUOTE (Psyche @ Jun 25 14, 07:28 )  Snowflakes float in all directions: fragile, hapless crystals borne by chancy breezes less stable than the heart in bloom. This 1st stanza is a beautiful start - lots of lovely 'f' words. Giddy water molecules transformed into asymmetrical hexagons, ascending, not descending, flippant towards Chaos' rules. Here the 'chaos' starts the reader wondering One heart beats erratically, attuned to nature's dance from a lofty metal bed. Quilted and pillowed, eyes open and close, gaze at gauzy air. Heart is not hampered by diffident frozen droplets, a myriad of them tracing patterns on steamy window panes, cautioning shaded, languid eyes. Soothing waterless tears shed by banished hearts on white cotton robes in harsh winter clime� I'm just wondering if a new line might be a thought here? Will snow keep this heart cozy, under a geometric patchwork stitched by chuckling old ladies? God's creatures slumber beneath snow's warm coverlet. By Psyche Changes: 'gazing' to 'gaze', S3 'exilic' to 'banished', S5 Thank you, Jerry. 'lie dormant' to 'slumber', S6 � Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia, 2014. Note: Southern Hemisphere, Winter Solstice on June 21st. [/b] It is so good to read your work again, Syl. My thoughts are with you in your difficult time. Eira ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner    |
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Oct 23 14, 23:40
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#3
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 10,021 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Eira, again!
 I'm catching up on MM !! I too have been kept away by "life". So true. Please don't apologise, I know that you've been renovating your home, in the midst of personal problems that pile up. Hey, am I mistaken, or did you have a nasty fall that kept you in bed for a week with lots of pain? Dear me, I hope that's all over and forgotten by now. I believe I wrote you an e.mail. Getting mixed up...Moving home and adapting to my new life has taken its toll. From big city to mountains and lakes!  A relief that you think my poem has a sense of mystery to enhance it...not just a big mess...LOL... Yes, I'll drop that line down as you suggest. Tx!  And thanks for your kind thoughts. I've just had to get used to Carlos's extraordinary vitality, under all the awful crisis he's been through. Had to change my mindset so as not to be on an emotional roller-coaster. Here again some apostrophes have messed up. Too bad!! Hugs, Syl***  QUOTE (Eisa @ Aug 26 14, 16:55 ) Hi Syl, I'm sorry I've not commented on this beautiful poem sooner, but life has kept me away from MM for a while. I like the metaphors in this and feel that it doesn't matter if we (writer & reader) don't completely understand every line. A sense of mystery can enhance a poem. I like the subtle changes you have made. This is a well written poem and I stumble to find anything I'd change. QUOTE (Psyche @ Jun 25 14, 07:28 ) Snowflakes float in all directions: fragile, hapless crystals borne by chancy breezes less stable than the heart in bloom. This 1st stanza is a beautiful start - lots of lovely 'f' words. Giddy water molecules transformed into asymmetrical hexagons, ascending, not descending, flippant towards Chaos' rules. Here the 'chaos' starts the reader wondering One heart beats erratically, attuned to nature's dance from a lofty metal bed. Quilted and pillowed, eyes open and close, gaze at gauzy air. Heart is not hampered by diffident frozen droplets, a myriad of them tracing patterns on steamy window panes, cautioning shaded, languid eyes. Soothing waterless tears shed by banished hearts on white cotton robes in harsh winter clime� I'm just wondering if a new line might be a thought here? Will snow keep this heart cozy, under a geometric patchwork stitched by chuckling old ladies? God's creatures slumber beneath snow's warm coverlet. By Psyche Changes: 'gazing' to 'gaze', S3 'exilic' to 'banished', S5 Thank you, Jerry. 'lie dormant' to 'slumber', S6 � Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia, 2014. Note: Southern Hemisphere, Winter Solstice on June 21st. [/b] It is so good to read your work again, Syl. My thoughts are with you in your difficult time. Eira ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Posts in this topic
Psyche Warm Coverlet *** Jun 25 14, 01:28 
jerryk Hi Sylvia;
first off, I like your poem very much; ... Jun 25 14, 07:14 Psyche Dear me, my good friend Jerry, I'm finding it ... Jul 6 14, 22:54 Psyche Thank you, Jerry, for your suggestions. I've u... Jul 20 14, 23:56 Arnfinn G'day Sylv,
My observation I see comfortable ... Aug 13 14, 07:25 
Psyche Hello John,
Great to see you posting again in the... Aug 14 14, 23:15 pixordia Hello Syl:
I m so happy to find you still writing.... Aug 27 14, 03:03 Psyche Hello Suzanne:
My goodness, somehow I missed t... Oct 23 14, 23:18 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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