Warm Coverlet *** Options

[Psyche]

Snowflakes float in all directions:
fragile, hapless crystals
borne by chancy breezes
less stable than the heart in bloom.

Giddy water molecules
transformed into asymmetrical hexagons,
ascending, not descending,
flippant towards Chaos' rules.

One heart beats erratically,
attuned to nature’s dance
from a lofty metal bed.
Quilted and pillowed,
eyes open and close,
gaze at gauzy air.

Heart is not hampered
by diffident frozen droplets,
a myriad of them
tracing patterns on steamy
window panes,
cautioning shaded, languid eyes.

Soothing waterless tears
shed by banished hearts
on white cotton robes
in harsh winter clime…

Will snow keep this heart cozy,
under a geometric patchwork
stitched by chuckling old ladies?

God’s creatures slumber
beneath snow’s warm coverlet.

By Psyche

Changes: 'gazing' to 'gaze', S3
'exilic' to 'banished', S5 Thank you, Jerry.

'lie dormant' to 'slumber', S6

Dropped lines after "clime" to make new S. Tx Snow!


© Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia, 2014.

Note: Southern Hemisphere, Winter Solstice on June 21st.

[jerryk]

Hi Sylvia;
first off, I like your poem very much; secondly, I find it difficult to critique a well-thought-through poem just for the sake of changing words and phrases around. It would be as pointless as someone suggesting changes to E. A. Poe's "The Raven," which the master had revised a number of times after publication. Although I've added my thoughts to your lines, only you, the poet, will know how to improve your poem--if needed. Let's see what others have to say. Great to see your poem, sylvia.
Jerry

Snowflakes float in all directions: (great use of the f-sounds in both lines)
fragile, hapless crystals
borne by chancy breezes
less stable than the heart in bloom. (I like the figurative language at the end of this line)

Giddy water molecules (giddy is a good description)
transformed into asymmetrical hexagons,
ascending, not descending,
flippant towards Chaos' rules.

One heart beats erratically,
attuned to nature’s dance
from a lofty metal bed.
Quilted and pillowed,
eyes open and close,
gazing at gauzy air. (I almost want to say "gaze" without the -ing ending. Not sure.)

Heart is not hampered
by diffident frozen droplets,
a myriad of them
tracing patterns on steamy
window panes,
cautioning shaded, languid eyes.

Soothing waterless tears
shed by hearts exilic (shed by banished hearts) ??
on white cotton robes
in harsh winter clime…
Will snow keep this heart cozy,
under a geometric patchwork
stitched by chuckling old ladies? (I love this line)

God’s creatures lie dormant
beneath snow’s warm coverlet.

By Psyche


© Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia, 2014.

Note: Southern Hemisphere, Winter Solstice on June 21st.