Sunset, pondering a better, non-cliche title Options

[Guest_Dove_*]

(revision)


Sunkist


Spoonfuls of sugar
frost blueberries,
with a banana on the side.

Many
mandarin slices,
strawberry swirls,
cherry toppings,
kiwi leaves,
plum halves,
and the last
sliver of peach
are plucked and packaged;
ripe pear-shaped day.

Pomegranate seeds,
grape wine perfume,
and rosemary aroma
waft around the
pealed coconut that orbits;
eggplant night.

(original)


Sunset


Spoonfuls of sugar
cover blueberries,
with a banana on the side.

Many
mandarin slices,
strawberry splotches,
cherry stems,
kiwi leaves,
plum halves,
and the last
sliver of peach;
ripe pear-shaped day.

Pomegranate seeds,
grape wine perfume,
cranberry strings,
pealed coconut orbiting;
eggplant night.

[AMETHYST]

Oh Dove,

Your revision is lovely. I felt the change at each stanza, with the ending summery line worked wonders. Not a nit to follow, this is a beautiful visionary piece of writing!

Best Wishes, Liz