A Door to Curiosity REVISION #1 **** CRIT WELCOME, variation on a sonnet, from a challenge Options

[JustDaniel]

In case you're curious, Sylvia suggested that I post this here from the challenges:

REVISION #1 ... Thanks, Larry and Lori!



A Door to Curiosity

Walking the halls of his high school last week,
suddenly his curiosity peaked.
something made his curiosity peak.
Daybreak now peeked from a place that he swore
Daybreak peeked in from a place where he swore
he'd never noticed a door there before!
he'd never noticed a doorway before!

Faintly a song had emerged from the mist
seeping out underneath... and it is locked.
seeping out under the door... which was locked.
Still in a shock, he looked 'round to enlist
Nearly in shock, he looked 'round to enlist
help to gain entrance to where he had knocked.

No one was there, so he battered and kicked
'til he became so worn out, he sat down
right where he was, heaving hard; he was licked....
Suddenly out of the space came a clown

mocking the man like Uriah the Heep.
mocking the rube like Uriah the Heep.
Thoroughly humbled, he woke up from sleep.
Thoroughly humbled, I woke from my sleep.

© MLee Dickens'son 2013

from a challenge to use the words: daybreak, song, mist and shock... and the phrase: He'd never noticed a door there before.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Daniel,

I came back to take another 'peek' at this one and see that Larry has offered a few items to nibble on, which I feel would improve the imagery and rhythm as well as the tense changes. One area he didn't cover that I shall here is in this bit:

Still in a shock, he looked 'round to enlist
help to gain entrance to where he had knocked.

The is something about 'in a shock' that is bothersome to me. I'm not sure why. I want to read it as: still in shock

Perhaps you'll consider a replacement there?

Cheers,
~Cleo